Monday, August 2, 2010
EEEhhhh
So mark is getting ready to leave bright and early tomorrow. He will be gone for about 6 weeks. There is no one that can tell me 'thats the life style' i hate that.. yes, it is, yes i knew these things would happen, but no matter how many notifications you get about a loved one leaving for any length of time or how well you think you have prepared, you cant tell your feelings and mind to shutup... its like having a baby.. you can read all the books and get all the knick knacks, but your still not ever really ready...
i know for sure if i was near loved ones this would be so much easier to deal with. but then again i just dont feel like i really belong anywhere. we havent had time to settle here all together yet, so i feel like part of me is still scattered. i dont feel like home is RI, maine, or here. if anywhere, florida is where i feel i left a lot behind because thats where we spend the majority of our lives as a family..
im trying to get brody ready for school and soccer and im glad he will be very occupied. i am trying to start school again in january and im not sure how im going to do all of this and if mark will be leaving again for weeks at a time, if the school will be flexible with my schedule... and i doubt it. its a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and im going to have to deal with that when the time comes...all i do know is i have to get my ass in school and finish even if it mentally kills me. its 18 months of hell i had started to do before, and i will and can do it again.
..but for now, i have mark leaving tomorrow. i have to look at things in chunks. this is the 6 week chunk.. so for 6 weeks i have to figure out what im going to do, how im going to deal with it... then when he gets home, thats another chunk, then school in january, thats another chunk...etc... so these 6 weeks....eh...
ive been feeling a little depressed now and then just because im lonely and here by myself without much to do or anywhere to go. and if i do go somewhere, its no fun being alone, or just with the kids.. all the time. so if i do go anywhere or do anything, its because im making myself because i know if i dont ill get even more depressed and the kids need to get out and do things. i dont even know that i really want to meet people around here right now. if i had it my way, i would just hang around the house all day and not get dressed, watch tv, sleep, eat... lol.. but i cant... thats not a good idea.
so instead ive been exercising lately, and trying to get out atleast 3 times a week, even if its just to a store to look around. i enjoy my glass of wine at night, and taking care of the yard as needed, painting my nails, getting dressed, doing my daily routine stuff to keep that habbit going... and when i need to talk to adults, i have FB, my phone, and my good neighbor.
im just going to hope i can get through these next 6 weeks, and actually, the next 7 days... ill start with that. after 7 days, things should start feeling ok again... once the newness of mark being away again wears off. then ill deal with brodys school, soccer... etc...
so my goal is to get through the next 7 days, keeping everyone happy, cooking meals, living as if mark was right here in the other room. playing my music, watching funny tv shows, playing games with the boys, things like that...
im definitely not cut out to be a military wife lol. well, i am, because i dont have a choice but im not. it takes a lot of self discipline for me to do what i do. i hate being alone, sleeping alone, the dark, i like having mark do certain things for me... but along the way i have learned to do a lot more for myself than i had before... like loading that stinking dish washer, putting away the laundry not just folding it, mow the grass even when its hot out, take the trash to the end of the road etc... idk if other wives are like me and they just dont talk about their feelings like i do, i know i cant be the only one to have these things runnign through my mind.
and the kids.. they actually help keep me more sane than insane, because i have them here, i have to do certain things for them to be happy and live 'normal'... they depend on me to get up every day and put a smile on my face and make life happen.
well i guess this i should go do something else. writting is really a good therapy for me. always has been... and i know i will be just fine.. just need to get my feelings out and on 'paper'
<3
Monday, March 8, 2010
Spoiling...family.. moving.. a little of everything...
I remember my opinion of military kids used to be that they were spoiled. Well, my opinion as to why has changed a little bit.. for some... Dealing with brody and having to move has been a little tough for me just because i know that he is a lot like me and family and good friends is very important to him, however, he is really good at making new friends and adjusting, and he is not shy like i remember myself being. but he is a lot like me, so i know he feels pretty bad about leaving his friends. he has made 2 REALLY good friends here, and even though he is only 5, he cries about having to leave them and pretty much everything HE knows.. i can relate. i had to move to maine when i was 13, then to FL 3 years ago, and i know how much it can hurt leaving everything youve ever known. i know he is just a kid, but brody is different...
SO, i look at spoiling now, as a way to overcompensate i guess. Brody would have been graduating preschool with his friends the first week of june. with mark having to do training, and a few other things, we have to leave earlier. this means everyone else in brodys class talks about graduation and many of the kids will go to kindergarten together, and they get to celebrate. brody isnt going to be able to do those things, and he is a little sad about it. ive been feeling lately like i just want to give him stuff to make him feel better...
military is bitter sweet.. a piece of the bitter end of it is for some kids the ones that like having a best friend (like i did) who they do everything with and grow together and then look back and say 'ive known so and so since i was 4' (like i can)isnt going to happen for brody. for me when i was a kid i LOVED that. granted he will only be about 10 by the time were done with the military but still... right now it makes me feel bad. ill feel better later lol.
the other thing is the sense of belonging. Rhode island is where i was raised, New england is my home, specifically maine, i love going back 'home' home has kind of been more like... wherever the majority of my family is in new england, and im ok with that. for brody, he doesnt have a place where he was raised.. hes just here and there and everywhere. when i talk about home to him, im talking about new england where our family is. idk if he feels that is home to him though, like i do because i was born and raised there.
SO i have planned for brody a birthday party at his school if it is approved, so since he cant graduate with his friends, he can have his very own special moment, focused on him, at school, and this way he wont feel too bad about missing the graduation. also, i keep stressing to him that we can go back home to see our family and that makes him happy. i overcompensate with my love too and feel i have to tell my babies every day, multiple times, what good boys they are and how much i love them etc... i want them to feel ok about this life style. it isnt a bad one, im not particularly comfortable with it, but this is the choice mark and i made and there are a lot of other good things about it too... so we have to work with what we have and eventually we will have a place that is OUR home, where we stay, and the kids wont be too old, and then they can start making good long lasting friendships.
Family is extremely important for me, and that is not just including the people living under my roof..and in a way moving away from them has grown me closer to them than they probably understand unless they leave everyone behind like i did. or unless i mean THAT much to them that they feel equally as close to me. I come off as a nut sometimes, i know, and emotional, but that is because i do care so much about them and time and life is precious. i dont want the people i love to ever wonder if i do care about them because im very open about my love for them :) its important if you love someone to tell them because as cliche as it sounds, you never know if something could happen.
SO, i look at spoiling now, as a way to overcompensate i guess. Brody would have been graduating preschool with his friends the first week of june. with mark having to do training, and a few other things, we have to leave earlier. this means everyone else in brodys class talks about graduation and many of the kids will go to kindergarten together, and they get to celebrate. brody isnt going to be able to do those things, and he is a little sad about it. ive been feeling lately like i just want to give him stuff to make him feel better...
military is bitter sweet.. a piece of the bitter end of it is for some kids the ones that like having a best friend (like i did) who they do everything with and grow together and then look back and say 'ive known so and so since i was 4' (like i can)isnt going to happen for brody. for me when i was a kid i LOVED that. granted he will only be about 10 by the time were done with the military but still... right now it makes me feel bad. ill feel better later lol.
the other thing is the sense of belonging. Rhode island is where i was raised, New england is my home, specifically maine, i love going back 'home' home has kind of been more like... wherever the majority of my family is in new england, and im ok with that. for brody, he doesnt have a place where he was raised.. hes just here and there and everywhere. when i talk about home to him, im talking about new england where our family is. idk if he feels that is home to him though, like i do because i was born and raised there.
SO i have planned for brody a birthday party at his school if it is approved, so since he cant graduate with his friends, he can have his very own special moment, focused on him, at school, and this way he wont feel too bad about missing the graduation. also, i keep stressing to him that we can go back home to see our family and that makes him happy. i overcompensate with my love too and feel i have to tell my babies every day, multiple times, what good boys they are and how much i love them etc... i want them to feel ok about this life style. it isnt a bad one, im not particularly comfortable with it, but this is the choice mark and i made and there are a lot of other good things about it too... so we have to work with what we have and eventually we will have a place that is OUR home, where we stay, and the kids wont be too old, and then they can start making good long lasting friendships.
Family is extremely important for me, and that is not just including the people living under my roof..and in a way moving away from them has grown me closer to them than they probably understand unless they leave everyone behind like i did. or unless i mean THAT much to them that they feel equally as close to me. I come off as a nut sometimes, i know, and emotional, but that is because i do care so much about them and time and life is precious. i dont want the people i love to ever wonder if i do care about them because im very open about my love for them :) its important if you love someone to tell them because as cliche as it sounds, you never know if something could happen.
Friday, March 5, 2010
'I suffer'.. really?
i rememebr as a kid and still, hearing my mother say 'i suffer from anxiety and depression.' SUFFER....
Ill never forget the first time i had my first anxiety attack, and then panic attacks later. whata horrible horrible feeling. not ust the physical feeling syou get in the moment, but the fear of having those feelings and consuming your life.
For a while, i allowed myself to suffer from my anxietya nd it held me back from doing quite a bit. unfortunately. i was pretty good at hiding my anxiety though of learning rituals to control my anxiety/panic if i was in public. i learned my triggers and AVOIDED them... by avoid, i mean, taking a cab home from school early to avoid taking the bus and risking having a panic attach adn people knowing, switching classes because of my anxiety when i started to date... i mean i could go on and on about how i 'controlled' this thing.
WELL things have changed over the years and instead of 'suffering' i refused to let that control me and what i do. i have 1 life, and so much i would want to do except i feared that anxiety and it being noticed by others.
To help myself, after highschool i started to really work on fixing this problem and facing my fears. in HS you would NOT get me to talk in front of the class.. oh no.. that was pretty much my number 1 fear and the thought of that made me panic. but i didnt want this to set me back...
to makea long story short... i startd small... volunteering was easier than being picked on in class, so i would volunteer to share my answers. at first it was aweful. id have a bottle of water... it ws cold, so i could use it to hold to distract myself from feeling hot and liek i was going to pass out... 'focus on the cold bottle and say what i have to say' ok.. tht went ok..
where i sat in class was important... i didnt want to see every face in the class, so the very back wasnt too good, adn the middle wasnt either, somewhere on the side... that was comfortable for me...
i cant possibly get into all the things i did, but you get the idea...
eventually, i did have to use medication to help me learn to deal with this. i was on medicine for a few months and used it as a tool, not something to stay on for the rest of my life and that worked really well!
then in 2005 i was in school again and pregnant, and then i had brody etc...
i made myself talk to people in my class, found a few decent people i could be friends with, made myself do presentations... it wasnt too hard becuase it was like i was talking in front of my friends. i discussed topics that were important to me, and educated myself well on the material...
then i had to take a communications class.. i HAD to do it for my MA program.. so i decided to get it out of the way... volunteered lol. this is where i got the most experience and really started to get even better. i cried the first speach i gave. mostly because it was a sad topic about deatha dn the first person i had to care for that died. im emotional and i could deal with my emotions ok, and if i did cry, it released more tention over just being scared to talk to people.. so i was ok with that. didnt think id actully cry until i got up there though... but i did... that connected me to the people in my class though.. much like when you first meet someone and you get into your first dissagreement witht hem or something... it brings you closer.. or when they tell yo something personal for the first time, you step into anothe rlevel in the friendship...
that is how i felt from that day on with those classmates. i heard some really detailed, personal info from them in their speaches also. at first, we could use the podium to hid behind, then we couldnt. i was ok with that as i got more comfotable. i started talking about other things important to me, i brought in my art to show them, and at the time, gardasil came out adn i had strong opinions about that, i was knowledgeable about it, so i felt very comfortable talking about that...
well since then my anxiety has been embraced and its no secret.. which is great!
i use my anxiety as a tool instead of saying i have this poor me... it is i have this and yeah its apart of me but it doesnt consume me.
we all have something literally noone is perfect thats great! lol.. i think as a teenager though it is more difficult to deal with just because the fear we have of others opinions of us once they know... they may think we are a freak or someting. i could care less today, but back then it was unspoken of! the older i get the more open people are to talk to me about their own problems.. people you wouldve thought in highschool who had it together, have problems too... go figure lol. so many people have anxiety of different levels, different triggers etc...
i havent had too many panic attacks since ive acknowledged this and shared it with people.. i dont make it the topic of choice when i first meet anyone lol, but eventually it comes up at some point... i usually have just anxiety and not panic attacks like i used to.
my anxiety has changed over the years where as before it was more social, now its more about my kids.. but its controlabe and im ok. like anything else we learn, it takes practice to become good at controlling it.
it is just anxiety, im not suffering, in pain, i have all my limbs, my health is good..etc.. im NOT suffereing!
Ill never forget the first time i had my first anxiety attack, and then panic attacks later. whata horrible horrible feeling. not ust the physical feeling syou get in the moment, but the fear of having those feelings and consuming your life.
For a while, i allowed myself to suffer from my anxietya nd it held me back from doing quite a bit. unfortunately. i was pretty good at hiding my anxiety though of learning rituals to control my anxiety/panic if i was in public. i learned my triggers and AVOIDED them... by avoid, i mean, taking a cab home from school early to avoid taking the bus and risking having a panic attach adn people knowing, switching classes because of my anxiety when i started to date... i mean i could go on and on about how i 'controlled' this thing.
WELL things have changed over the years and instead of 'suffering' i refused to let that control me and what i do. i have 1 life, and so much i would want to do except i feared that anxiety and it being noticed by others.
To help myself, after highschool i started to really work on fixing this problem and facing my fears. in HS you would NOT get me to talk in front of the class.. oh no.. that was pretty much my number 1 fear and the thought of that made me panic. but i didnt want this to set me back...
to makea long story short... i startd small... volunteering was easier than being picked on in class, so i would volunteer to share my answers. at first it was aweful. id have a bottle of water... it ws cold, so i could use it to hold to distract myself from feeling hot and liek i was going to pass out... 'focus on the cold bottle and say what i have to say' ok.. tht went ok..
where i sat in class was important... i didnt want to see every face in the class, so the very back wasnt too good, adn the middle wasnt either, somewhere on the side... that was comfortable for me...
i cant possibly get into all the things i did, but you get the idea...
eventually, i did have to use medication to help me learn to deal with this. i was on medicine for a few months and used it as a tool, not something to stay on for the rest of my life and that worked really well!
then in 2005 i was in school again and pregnant, and then i had brody etc...
i made myself talk to people in my class, found a few decent people i could be friends with, made myself do presentations... it wasnt too hard becuase it was like i was talking in front of my friends. i discussed topics that were important to me, and educated myself well on the material...
then i had to take a communications class.. i HAD to do it for my MA program.. so i decided to get it out of the way... volunteered lol. this is where i got the most experience and really started to get even better. i cried the first speach i gave. mostly because it was a sad topic about deatha dn the first person i had to care for that died. im emotional and i could deal with my emotions ok, and if i did cry, it released more tention over just being scared to talk to people.. so i was ok with that. didnt think id actully cry until i got up there though... but i did... that connected me to the people in my class though.. much like when you first meet someone and you get into your first dissagreement witht hem or something... it brings you closer.. or when they tell yo something personal for the first time, you step into anothe rlevel in the friendship...
that is how i felt from that day on with those classmates. i heard some really detailed, personal info from them in their speaches also. at first, we could use the podium to hid behind, then we couldnt. i was ok with that as i got more comfotable. i started talking about other things important to me, i brought in my art to show them, and at the time, gardasil came out adn i had strong opinions about that, i was knowledgeable about it, so i felt very comfortable talking about that...
well since then my anxiety has been embraced and its no secret.. which is great!
i use my anxiety as a tool instead of saying i have this poor me... it is i have this and yeah its apart of me but it doesnt consume me.
we all have something literally noone is perfect thats great! lol.. i think as a teenager though it is more difficult to deal with just because the fear we have of others opinions of us once they know... they may think we are a freak or someting. i could care less today, but back then it was unspoken of! the older i get the more open people are to talk to me about their own problems.. people you wouldve thought in highschool who had it together, have problems too... go figure lol. so many people have anxiety of different levels, different triggers etc...
i havent had too many panic attacks since ive acknowledged this and shared it with people.. i dont make it the topic of choice when i first meet anyone lol, but eventually it comes up at some point... i usually have just anxiety and not panic attacks like i used to.
my anxiety has changed over the years where as before it was more social, now its more about my kids.. but its controlabe and im ok. like anything else we learn, it takes practice to become good at controlling it.
it is just anxiety, im not suffering, in pain, i have all my limbs, my health is good..etc.. im NOT suffereing!
what the 1950's has taught me...hehehe
I always feel like i dont belong in this time error. there is too much pain in families and individual people, many men i know unfortunately dont meet the standard of being great fathers and providing for their families, kids are so disrespectfu... people generally make life difficult for themselves these days.
Although i could not see myself conforming to certain ideas in the 1950's, like staying home with the kids for the rest of my life lol, the basic family traditions are what i wish everyone could experience today. To me, i love to cook and sit down together at the table adn eat, adn talk about our day, and everyone cleans up their own plates. my little boys at age 2 and 4 are taught certain things like the importance of earning... discipline, respecting adults, loving and depending on each other, contributing to the house by cleaning and letting the dogs outside etc... these are important things i feel that will set them up for success as adults. our society today is lazy. for our little boys today, what kind of men will they be tomorrow if they are not taught certain things at kids. they are someday going to be fathers most likely. we want great husbands adn fathers for our future some day.
My husband is excellent, not flawless lol, but he is perfect. i couldnt have asked for a better man. maybe this is because his parents are older and taught him from the beginning some of the things i mentioned. his mother is going to be 70 in december. one of the things i find funny is when mark and i first dated adn still toay actually, he always tried to open the door for me. well, i wasnt used to that and i never gave him the chance to get to the door before me.. to make a long story short, his mother taught him to hold the door open for her and it was just natural for mark to do the same for me. simple things like this i feel are worth the extra effort to teach our kids as parents.
brody holds the door open for me. i guess mark rubbed off on me a little bit lol. i dont make him, but now and then he does and he will hold it open for others too. its just a really kind act. it makes me feel happy too, to see a little old lady smile because a young boy held the door open for her. shes not used to that bahavior from the young kids these days.
I teach brody at this little age, how to respect women. i grew up in a home where that wasnt seen too often and it is very important. Brody and ethan used to pick flowers in the front of our house and take them to school for their teachers. when brody liked a little girl he brought her a flower. this is one of the many many things i teach my kids. While they are little and i have control of them i want them to get so used to the idea of being this way to females (elders, family etc..)that is just becomes second nature. i also teach them not to be walked all over too lol. to protect themselves, that just because they are good litlte men, doesnt mean they dont deserve respect also. if they dont like the way someone is treating them, i teach them to voice that and work out their problem instead of running from it.
Something else that i feel is important is the stress of loving your siblings even if you dont like them. it hurt me when i heard brody say to ethan 'your not my brother anymore'. it hurt because i have seen the fights my brothers used to get into, i know THAT is inevitable lol, but as adults, my brothers arent all super close, they probably arent too confident that they could totally rely on the other... some of this is because the way they treated each other in the past. while i can control my boys, like i said earlier, i want to teach them to grow together and love each other... be a support system for each other. there should never be anything that makes them never want to be close or talk to each other when they are adults.. so lets never do anything to hurt each other that badly. its too easy these days, in my own family anyways, for people to just shut off and not talk to months or even years and it is too too bad. but thats another blog topic :)
Although i could not see myself conforming to certain ideas in the 1950's, like staying home with the kids for the rest of my life lol, the basic family traditions are what i wish everyone could experience today. To me, i love to cook and sit down together at the table adn eat, adn talk about our day, and everyone cleans up their own plates. my little boys at age 2 and 4 are taught certain things like the importance of earning... discipline, respecting adults, loving and depending on each other, contributing to the house by cleaning and letting the dogs outside etc... these are important things i feel that will set them up for success as adults. our society today is lazy. for our little boys today, what kind of men will they be tomorrow if they are not taught certain things at kids. they are someday going to be fathers most likely. we want great husbands adn fathers for our future some day.
My husband is excellent, not flawless lol, but he is perfect. i couldnt have asked for a better man. maybe this is because his parents are older and taught him from the beginning some of the things i mentioned. his mother is going to be 70 in december. one of the things i find funny is when mark and i first dated adn still toay actually, he always tried to open the door for me. well, i wasnt used to that and i never gave him the chance to get to the door before me.. to make a long story short, his mother taught him to hold the door open for her and it was just natural for mark to do the same for me. simple things like this i feel are worth the extra effort to teach our kids as parents.
brody holds the door open for me. i guess mark rubbed off on me a little bit lol. i dont make him, but now and then he does and he will hold it open for others too. its just a really kind act. it makes me feel happy too, to see a little old lady smile because a young boy held the door open for her. shes not used to that bahavior from the young kids these days.
I teach brody at this little age, how to respect women. i grew up in a home where that wasnt seen too often and it is very important. Brody and ethan used to pick flowers in the front of our house and take them to school for their teachers. when brody liked a little girl he brought her a flower. this is one of the many many things i teach my kids. While they are little and i have control of them i want them to get so used to the idea of being this way to females (elders, family etc..)that is just becomes second nature. i also teach them not to be walked all over too lol. to protect themselves, that just because they are good litlte men, doesnt mean they dont deserve respect also. if they dont like the way someone is treating them, i teach them to voice that and work out their problem instead of running from it.
Something else that i feel is important is the stress of loving your siblings even if you dont like them. it hurt me when i heard brody say to ethan 'your not my brother anymore'. it hurt because i have seen the fights my brothers used to get into, i know THAT is inevitable lol, but as adults, my brothers arent all super close, they probably arent too confident that they could totally rely on the other... some of this is because the way they treated each other in the past. while i can control my boys, like i said earlier, i want to teach them to grow together and love each other... be a support system for each other. there should never be anything that makes them never want to be close or talk to each other when they are adults.. so lets never do anything to hurt each other that badly. its too easy these days, in my own family anyways, for people to just shut off and not talk to months or even years and it is too too bad. but thats another blog topic :)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Breaking the chain-family (you WILL relate)
Another old post worth sharing:
Monday, June 23, 2008
"an original wounding"
Current mood: calm
I was talking to my friend jenny tonight and religion came up..and lack of also..
and she found this unitarian church in pensacola so i thought i would check out the home page, then i came across somethign i felt like sharing. the title was "Breaking the Chain" and i say that a lot when i talk about my own parents and myself..so i felt like sharing this with everyone who would be interested. its a bit long though, but its interesting.
it does give some light to why i feel the way i do sometimes. especially with this move to FL, and old friends, and myself feeling like people just dont care sometimes. i know its probably not the case, but still.. i get discouraged because every good friend i meet, it is very hard for me to let go when i need to. i hate having relationships end.. its very hard for me, and if its worth it, ill fight 'til the bitter end to save my friendships/relationships. ..and with my mother..this does apply. i get angry with her for some things she couldnt help, others she probably couldve.. and im sure someday my kids will feel the same if theyre like me.
i see so much of brody in me, he needs extra mommy time..extra attention to know that he is loved and cared about... he needs me to TELL him im proud of him and hes a good boy...much like what i feel i needed..and not for any reason at all..just because, and maybe my mom didnt see that? idk... but hopefully i can give my children what they need based on what they need individually (emotionally, physically.mentally..etc..) not every person responds in the same way.
so ...happy reading :)
"Breaking the Chain"
March 9, 2008
Rev. Julie Kain
Unitarian Universalist Church of Pensacola
Every person in this room today and every person outside of this room has experienced early in our lives what I am going to refer to as "an original wounding." This means that somewhere and sometime when we were young, every one of us was presented with one particular situation that caused us to feel deeply hurt. Some particular situation in our early life caused some kind of original wounding in the very heart of our psyche or being.
It could have arisen from a variety of situations, but most often this original wounding happens in the context of our family dynamics. That is, some kind of difficult and challenging habit of interaction into which we were born by destiny of fate. You know some people say –"we don't pick our parents in life." But a few other people say that "even though we don't pick our parents in life, there is something within each of us where our greatest learning in life comes from the challenge we are presented by some part of our relationship with our parents, or whoever was our primary caregiver in,what we can refer to as, our family of origin.
This "original wounding" has such a distinctive impact on the fabric of our personal being, that we often and most unknowingly will frame subsequent difficulties and challenges we encounter in our lives through a perceptual lens that is tainted, you might say, with the original wounding.
For example, perhaps when you were young your mother was compelled by circumstance to be unavailable to you. Perhaps she had to work outside of the home for instance, or maybe it was a relationship in her life that demanded primary attention from her, and left you with a mother who was not involved primarily with you. She was perhaps both physically and emotionally distant from you at a time in your life when she was one of your primary relationships.
And so to continue with this example, if your particular "original wounding" in life came from this kind of being hurt, what you might call a sense of abandonment or even rejection in your relationship with your mother, later in your life whenever you get close to someone, perhaps a good friend or maybe your first love relationship, if something difficult happens in that later relationship, you are likely to experience it in a similar way to this original wounding with your mother. The outside circumstances may be totally different but your internal perception of them will be filtered through the lens of your experience with abandonment or rejection. You will perceive this other person as behaving in a way which is familiar to you because you feel this sense of being hurt. This particular kind of loss. You may even unconsciously anticipate being hurt like this in your next closest relationship and have what we often hear called "trust issues." That is you are hesitant to trust another person for fear of being hurt, like you were hurt before.
This is an example of "original wounding" and somehow until we are able to work through consciously how we came to cope with this original situation, we tend to find it as a repeating pattern in our lives. we will see it occurring in other relationships and situations.
We may see it happening actually even in situations where it may not be warranted. For example, your first best friend disappoints you by choosing to do something with someone else rather than going to a movie with you. You respond by feeling that your best friend is going to leave you or abandon your friendship, or that they are somehow rejecting you. You take it perhaps too personally that they are going to do something with someone else. You make it mean something big about you when your best friend may simply be making a small decision that actually has no bearing on their feelings of affection and appreciation of you.
We naturally and unconsciously tend to re-experience an earlier painful situation, in our attempts to come to terms with it, to understand or figure out why this happened. Was the pain you felt caused by something you did wrong or some bad quality in you that somehow deserves this rejection or abandonment?
It is incredibly common, especially in young people, that we tend to make sense of something that has happened by internalizing the responsibility for it. "It was my fault that this happened", we tell ourselves. Does this sound familiar to you? Can you recall a situation in your life when you were young when you felt you had somehow caused a mishap and it turned out that it didn't even have to do with you really?
And so one of the major ways we have found to overcome the challenges we carry in ourselves as a result of an original wounding, is to bring our conscious awareness to the pattern as it manifests in our lives. At some point along the way, the child whose mother had to work, or whose mother was preoccupied with a daunting and problematic relationship in her life, that child comes to realize that her behavior had more to do with these other circumstances than it had to do with him or her. What we thought and experienced as abandonment and rejection was not intended by the mother. It happened but it was not her intention to abandon or reject.
It's good to find a way to reflect on the original woundings in our lives. We are presented with a painful and difficult situation early in our loves and we find ways to cope with that. These coping mechanisms work in our loves to manage the difficult parts, but when we keep using them even in other kinds of situations that don't warrant them, we fall into a cycle which limits us. We can end up defining ourselves by this original sorrow and overusing the ways we found to cope with it. We can fall into a destructive cycle that repeats itself in different areas of our lives. In our attempts to protect ourselves from being hurt again, we cut ourselves off from other people and even from parts of ourselves. The cycle is a destructive one because it limits who we are and our interactions with other people. We inadvertently set ourselves up to actually be hurt in the same kinds of ways again and again like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Wayne Muller in his book Legacy of the Heart, the Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood writes—
"When we are hurt as children, we can quickly learn to see ourselves as broken, handicapped, or defective in some essential way." Muller brings his background as a therapist and a Harvard Divinity school graduate to his writing. He continues in the introduction of his book by saying "you are not broken; childhood suffering is not a mortal wound, and it did not irrevocably shape your destiny. You need not remove, destroy or tear anything out of yourself in order to build something new. Your challenge is not to keep trying to repair what was damaged; your practice instead is to reawaken what is already wise, strong and whole within you, to cultivate those qualities of heart and spirit that are available to you in this very moment."
Whether the original wounding in our lives left us with invisible patterns such as the inability to easily trust another person, or with the more visible patterns of physical or substance abuse, we are all capable of growing beyond these difficult limitations.
In the same way that our individual sorrow and suffering is a universal human experience, we all have access to tools for healing old wounds. There is a love in our lives that will not let us go.
May we each have the courage to look honestly at our lives and to take the steps that loosen us from the limiting patters we have inherited from the past. May we cultivate compassionate patience with the other people who have touched our lives. May we learn that the scars of our past have the power to teach us great strength and true wisdom. May we maintain our sense of worth and dignity even in the face of thoughtless and pain-provoking behavior on the part of others.
May we break through the chains of our past to embrace the fullness of this moment and the bright possibility of tomorrow.
Amen and Blessed Be.
Monday, June 23, 2008
"an original wounding"
Current mood: calm
I was talking to my friend jenny tonight and religion came up..and lack of also..
and she found this unitarian church in pensacola so i thought i would check out the home page, then i came across somethign i felt like sharing. the title was "Breaking the Chain" and i say that a lot when i talk about my own parents and myself..so i felt like sharing this with everyone who would be interested. its a bit long though, but its interesting.
it does give some light to why i feel the way i do sometimes. especially with this move to FL, and old friends, and myself feeling like people just dont care sometimes. i know its probably not the case, but still.. i get discouraged because every good friend i meet, it is very hard for me to let go when i need to. i hate having relationships end.. its very hard for me, and if its worth it, ill fight 'til the bitter end to save my friendships/relationships. ..and with my mother..this does apply. i get angry with her for some things she couldnt help, others she probably couldve.. and im sure someday my kids will feel the same if theyre like me.
i see so much of brody in me, he needs extra mommy time..extra attention to know that he is loved and cared about... he needs me to TELL him im proud of him and hes a good boy...much like what i feel i needed..and not for any reason at all..just because, and maybe my mom didnt see that? idk... but hopefully i can give my children what they need based on what they need individually (emotionally, physically.mentally..etc..) not every person responds in the same way.
so ...happy reading :)
"Breaking the Chain"
March 9, 2008
Rev. Julie Kain
Unitarian Universalist Church of Pensacola
Every person in this room today and every person outside of this room has experienced early in our lives what I am going to refer to as "an original wounding." This means that somewhere and sometime when we were young, every one of us was presented with one particular situation that caused us to feel deeply hurt. Some particular situation in our early life caused some kind of original wounding in the very heart of our psyche or being.
It could have arisen from a variety of situations, but most often this original wounding happens in the context of our family dynamics. That is, some kind of difficult and challenging habit of interaction into which we were born by destiny of fate. You know some people say –"we don't pick our parents in life." But a few other people say that "even though we don't pick our parents in life, there is something within each of us where our greatest learning in life comes from the challenge we are presented by some part of our relationship with our parents, or whoever was our primary caregiver in,what we can refer to as, our family of origin.
This "original wounding" has such a distinctive impact on the fabric of our personal being, that we often and most unknowingly will frame subsequent difficulties and challenges we encounter in our lives through a perceptual lens that is tainted, you might say, with the original wounding.
For example, perhaps when you were young your mother was compelled by circumstance to be unavailable to you. Perhaps she had to work outside of the home for instance, or maybe it was a relationship in her life that demanded primary attention from her, and left you with a mother who was not involved primarily with you. She was perhaps both physically and emotionally distant from you at a time in your life when she was one of your primary relationships.
And so to continue with this example, if your particular "original wounding" in life came from this kind of being hurt, what you might call a sense of abandonment or even rejection in your relationship with your mother, later in your life whenever you get close to someone, perhaps a good friend or maybe your first love relationship, if something difficult happens in that later relationship, you are likely to experience it in a similar way to this original wounding with your mother. The outside circumstances may be totally different but your internal perception of them will be filtered through the lens of your experience with abandonment or rejection. You will perceive this other person as behaving in a way which is familiar to you because you feel this sense of being hurt. This particular kind of loss. You may even unconsciously anticipate being hurt like this in your next closest relationship and have what we often hear called "trust issues." That is you are hesitant to trust another person for fear of being hurt, like you were hurt before.
This is an example of "original wounding" and somehow until we are able to work through consciously how we came to cope with this original situation, we tend to find it as a repeating pattern in our lives. we will see it occurring in other relationships and situations.
We may see it happening actually even in situations where it may not be warranted. For example, your first best friend disappoints you by choosing to do something with someone else rather than going to a movie with you. You respond by feeling that your best friend is going to leave you or abandon your friendship, or that they are somehow rejecting you. You take it perhaps too personally that they are going to do something with someone else. You make it mean something big about you when your best friend may simply be making a small decision that actually has no bearing on their feelings of affection and appreciation of you.
We naturally and unconsciously tend to re-experience an earlier painful situation, in our attempts to come to terms with it, to understand or figure out why this happened. Was the pain you felt caused by something you did wrong or some bad quality in you that somehow deserves this rejection or abandonment?
It is incredibly common, especially in young people, that we tend to make sense of something that has happened by internalizing the responsibility for it. "It was my fault that this happened", we tell ourselves. Does this sound familiar to you? Can you recall a situation in your life when you were young when you felt you had somehow caused a mishap and it turned out that it didn't even have to do with you really?
And so one of the major ways we have found to overcome the challenges we carry in ourselves as a result of an original wounding, is to bring our conscious awareness to the pattern as it manifests in our lives. At some point along the way, the child whose mother had to work, or whose mother was preoccupied with a daunting and problematic relationship in her life, that child comes to realize that her behavior had more to do with these other circumstances than it had to do with him or her. What we thought and experienced as abandonment and rejection was not intended by the mother. It happened but it was not her intention to abandon or reject.
It's good to find a way to reflect on the original woundings in our lives. We are presented with a painful and difficult situation early in our loves and we find ways to cope with that. These coping mechanisms work in our loves to manage the difficult parts, but when we keep using them even in other kinds of situations that don't warrant them, we fall into a cycle which limits us. We can end up defining ourselves by this original sorrow and overusing the ways we found to cope with it. We can fall into a destructive cycle that repeats itself in different areas of our lives. In our attempts to protect ourselves from being hurt again, we cut ourselves off from other people and even from parts of ourselves. The cycle is a destructive one because it limits who we are and our interactions with other people. We inadvertently set ourselves up to actually be hurt in the same kinds of ways again and again like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Wayne Muller in his book Legacy of the Heart, the Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood writes—
"When we are hurt as children, we can quickly learn to see ourselves as broken, handicapped, or defective in some essential way." Muller brings his background as a therapist and a Harvard Divinity school graduate to his writing. He continues in the introduction of his book by saying "you are not broken; childhood suffering is not a mortal wound, and it did not irrevocably shape your destiny. You need not remove, destroy or tear anything out of yourself in order to build something new. Your challenge is not to keep trying to repair what was damaged; your practice instead is to reawaken what is already wise, strong and whole within you, to cultivate those qualities of heart and spirit that are available to you in this very moment."
Whether the original wounding in our lives left us with invisible patterns such as the inability to easily trust another person, or with the more visible patterns of physical or substance abuse, we are all capable of growing beyond these difficult limitations.
In the same way that our individual sorrow and suffering is a universal human experience, we all have access to tools for healing old wounds. There is a love in our lives that will not let us go.
May we each have the courage to look honestly at our lives and to take the steps that loosen us from the limiting patters we have inherited from the past. May we cultivate compassionate patience with the other people who have touched our lives. May we learn that the scars of our past have the power to teach us great strength and true wisdom. May we maintain our sense of worth and dignity even in the face of thoughtless and pain-provoking behavior on the part of others.
May we break through the chains of our past to embrace the fullness of this moment and the bright possibility of tomorrow.
Amen and Blessed Be.
School, nursing, why choose it?
This is another old post worth sharing on why i chose to go to nursing school. i hope if anyone reading this has any dreams, to follow it, never give up... NEVER...
Monday, February 16, 2009
why choose it?
Current mood: accomplished
i was inspired today in class to write why i decided to get into nursing. and of course i have to include some history! so be patient if you are reading this.
Since i can remember ive always had it in me to care for others. i need to make sure everyone else is ok or i worry. i feel helpless when there is nothing i can do. a great memory i have is taking care of my niece when we were little.... she is 6 years younger than me. id baby sit her, and push her around in her little stroller, she was like my little "baby" lol. one particular time i remember her cutting her knee pretty bad on this gate in the house and i cleaned it up for her and told her it might scar...and it did... so she'll never forget that lol. Ii was always digging around in the first aid kit and playing with those old dot "plastic" thermometers haha. everyone has these roles in the family they take on, i feel like im the caregiver.... im really protective of what/who is "mine". when i was little, and one of my brothers got into some trouble, i remember packing him up some food and clothes so he would be ok. im STILL the same way to him in similar ways.
Ive always been really attached to the older generation in my family (most lol) i LOVED visiting my grandpa tony in the nursing home, my grammy is my strength, my nana helen...i loved visiting her and hearing her old stories..mama... i was so young when she died, but i always had to go upstairs from grammys house to visit with mama (my great grandma). its in me to nurture. I love my nieces and nephews and want to be their rock if they ever need me.
I used to want to be a counselor...still do sometimes. if i can not have a career helping other people i think id bother my children as they age lol.
My first real experience where i discovered nursing is what i needed to do, is when i became a CNA. (i wont get into it, but for me it was a great accomplishment and i proved a whole lot to myself.. its my motivational story for others and myself lol) i worked in a nursing home where i discovered a bit of my family in some of those residents... (MY residents) some did not live close to family, and reminded me so much of one of my elders, i felt in some ways i was able to care for my nana or papa... even though it wasnt my nana or papa.... know what i mean? i loved the personal connection i had. "they" say not to get attached to your patients... theres no way you cant for some of them. ill never forget the day this lady i cared for often, told me when mark came home from deployment she wished she could be a fly on my wall LOL! She had a young soul.
Working in the nursing home, i discovered a real liking for working in geriatrics. i also remember, that same resident who made the fly comment, she was dying and needed assistance... one of the CNA's ignored her calls from the room.... if only she knew that resident the way i did... and i told that CNA the resident needed help. can you imagine the fear in some of those peoples eyes? they know they are dying, she couldnt talk at that point, and she was being treated in a way i thought was wrong. it broke my heart to see that resident that way.. i just went into the room, and held her hand, and let her look at my big pregnant belly. this is when i was pregnant with ethan. many of those people i learned were ok with death, and like this particular resident, she was ready to die. it was sad though hearing her say that when she did, but at the same time, you understand too why they may say that. she couldnt get out of bed anymore, her family rarely came to visit, she lived her life and was tired of us CNA's having to get her out of bed every day just to get back in it 5 hours later. Obviously not everyone feels that way, but she did... so you just try to make their days the best you can. Id do her hair, nails, pick out some nice jewelry for her to wear for the day, her bed had to be made just right... and those things made her happy.
so anyways, i know this is incredibly long, and it is really important to me though to share this with whoever feels like reading it. I was born to care for people, its my job in this world. Its way more than sticking someone with an injection, or filling out a chart, its the caring aspect of it all that makes me feel fullfilled.
In my second job, at the doctors office, that is where i learned more of the tasks that would help me to perform. But also, there were some patients i would see on a regular basis, one particular will never leave my memory. some people have so much strength it amazes me. This 1 woman eventually had lost her voice, she had been through a lot, but every time she came into the office she had a smile on her face and was happy. before i moved to florida, i remember telling her how strong i thought she was and giving her a hug... i wont ever forget her. some people just come into our lives for a reason... for me, people like that instill the need i have in me to go on with this nursing career. I think i will be happier sometimes sticking with nursing vs counseling.
So i think i may do geriatrics in the future. i dont know where this roads gonna take me, but im more than happy to just go with the unexpected, which is something i dont normally like doing, but i think there is a higher power out there that is guiding me in the right direction. years ago i thought i wanted to be a nurse but i didnt persue it...atleast not completely seriously. i think i needed the experience i have now to validate why i needed to choose nursing over everything else. and to be honest, i couldnt be happier right now with my decision!
Monday, February 16, 2009
why choose it?
Current mood: accomplished
i was inspired today in class to write why i decided to get into nursing. and of course i have to include some history! so be patient if you are reading this.
Since i can remember ive always had it in me to care for others. i need to make sure everyone else is ok or i worry. i feel helpless when there is nothing i can do. a great memory i have is taking care of my niece when we were little.... she is 6 years younger than me. id baby sit her, and push her around in her little stroller, she was like my little "baby" lol. one particular time i remember her cutting her knee pretty bad on this gate in the house and i cleaned it up for her and told her it might scar...and it did... so she'll never forget that lol. Ii was always digging around in the first aid kit and playing with those old dot "plastic" thermometers haha. everyone has these roles in the family they take on, i feel like im the caregiver.... im really protective of what/who is "mine". when i was little, and one of my brothers got into some trouble, i remember packing him up some food and clothes so he would be ok. im STILL the same way to him in similar ways.
Ive always been really attached to the older generation in my family (most lol) i LOVED visiting my grandpa tony in the nursing home, my grammy is my strength, my nana helen...i loved visiting her and hearing her old stories..mama... i was so young when she died, but i always had to go upstairs from grammys house to visit with mama (my great grandma). its in me to nurture. I love my nieces and nephews and want to be their rock if they ever need me.
I used to want to be a counselor...still do sometimes. if i can not have a career helping other people i think id bother my children as they age lol.
My first real experience where i discovered nursing is what i needed to do, is when i became a CNA. (i wont get into it, but for me it was a great accomplishment and i proved a whole lot to myself.. its my motivational story for others and myself lol) i worked in a nursing home where i discovered a bit of my family in some of those residents... (MY residents) some did not live close to family, and reminded me so much of one of my elders, i felt in some ways i was able to care for my nana or papa... even though it wasnt my nana or papa.... know what i mean? i loved the personal connection i had. "they" say not to get attached to your patients... theres no way you cant for some of them. ill never forget the day this lady i cared for often, told me when mark came home from deployment she wished she could be a fly on my wall LOL! She had a young soul.
Working in the nursing home, i discovered a real liking for working in geriatrics. i also remember, that same resident who made the fly comment, she was dying and needed assistance... one of the CNA's ignored her calls from the room.... if only she knew that resident the way i did... and i told that CNA the resident needed help. can you imagine the fear in some of those peoples eyes? they know they are dying, she couldnt talk at that point, and she was being treated in a way i thought was wrong. it broke my heart to see that resident that way.. i just went into the room, and held her hand, and let her look at my big pregnant belly. this is when i was pregnant with ethan. many of those people i learned were ok with death, and like this particular resident, she was ready to die. it was sad though hearing her say that when she did, but at the same time, you understand too why they may say that. she couldnt get out of bed anymore, her family rarely came to visit, she lived her life and was tired of us CNA's having to get her out of bed every day just to get back in it 5 hours later. Obviously not everyone feels that way, but she did... so you just try to make their days the best you can. Id do her hair, nails, pick out some nice jewelry for her to wear for the day, her bed had to be made just right... and those things made her happy.
so anyways, i know this is incredibly long, and it is really important to me though to share this with whoever feels like reading it. I was born to care for people, its my job in this world. Its way more than sticking someone with an injection, or filling out a chart, its the caring aspect of it all that makes me feel fullfilled.
In my second job, at the doctors office, that is where i learned more of the tasks that would help me to perform. But also, there were some patients i would see on a regular basis, one particular will never leave my memory. some people have so much strength it amazes me. This 1 woman eventually had lost her voice, she had been through a lot, but every time she came into the office she had a smile on her face and was happy. before i moved to florida, i remember telling her how strong i thought she was and giving her a hug... i wont ever forget her. some people just come into our lives for a reason... for me, people like that instill the need i have in me to go on with this nursing career. I think i will be happier sometimes sticking with nursing vs counseling.
So i think i may do geriatrics in the future. i dont know where this roads gonna take me, but im more than happy to just go with the unexpected, which is something i dont normally like doing, but i think there is a higher power out there that is guiding me in the right direction. years ago i thought i wanted to be a nurse but i didnt persue it...atleast not completely seriously. i think i needed the experience i have now to validate why i needed to choose nursing over everything else. and to be honest, i couldnt be happier right now with my decision!
A mothers emotions about her baby getting older
This is an old post from last year, but worth sharing:
April 11, 2005 Current mood: blessed
i have been so emotional about brody turning 4, not a bad thing, just reminiscing. Having brody marks an incredible turning point in my life that i feel i am still continuing. i felt like sharing some pictures and quotes from a journal i started for my boys around the time i found out i was pregnant with brody. once in a while i still write in it. enjoy! :)
before you were born:" you are going to change my life forever, its scary sometimes because its reality, but ill never regret any of this""In 10 years from now, i will hold this book and rememebr being so young, and so in love with your daddy , and im going to say how time has passed by so fast...it always does!
"December 5, 2004 " hello baby boy! we found out november 18, which was thursday. we were so excited! i knew you were a boy! we got your crib, stroller, and car seat. mom proudly put the stroller together. daddy got us a new house too right next to my mother, you will have your own room! we got our first snow yesterday. youve been kicking like crazy lately. its so nice to feel you move"
February 17, 2005 "Hey brody hunny. just afew ore weeks to go! Now let me share some news with you. my belly button is really polking out, and i have my first tiny stretchmarks. Your always kicking in my ribs now and i jump. Ooh it bothers me. its like your foot is resting on my side, then you push like pushing yourself off the wall of a pool."
"dads leaving in june and i feel like i cant and wont be able to keep myself together. i have to for you and my sanity, but i still feel like i need help. "
"im working at friendlys and the gap 1 daya week each and going to school to be a CNA. me and your father painted your bedroom and ducky bathroom. even though youre not here yet i 'see' so much of your father in you. i imagine what you wil look like, dads cheeks, big eyes, and smile, but my lips, your dads nose, my hairline :) dads ears, and his smarts. "
"i gained 25 pounds and i hear you have a big head"
November 2005 "you are amazing! a perfect baby, a perfect blend of me and your dad. you love to be tickled and i always make time for that! i love to take you shopping with me. we have fun. daddy s on deployment through the navy and will be home december 8th. "
"...i will always believe in you even if you are at your wost point in life. im going to be here for you."
August 3, 2006 " you learned how to kiss! we went to RI and you kised cousin sam. You make the funniest expressions...theres this one face you make you scrunch up your face and make this 'laugh' sound. everyone gets a kick out of it. you have full conversations even though noone knows what you are saying. you love electronics, especially the phone and computer. "
" i love the little boy you are . youre already an awesome goofy kid you blow farts on my arm, and dance, and your feet smell too! Every day i discover something new i love about you."
April 11, 2005 Current mood: blessed
i have been so emotional about brody turning 4, not a bad thing, just reminiscing. Having brody marks an incredible turning point in my life that i feel i am still continuing. i felt like sharing some pictures and quotes from a journal i started for my boys around the time i found out i was pregnant with brody. once in a while i still write in it. enjoy! :)
before you were born:" you are going to change my life forever, its scary sometimes because its reality, but ill never regret any of this""In 10 years from now, i will hold this book and rememebr being so young, and so in love with your daddy , and im going to say how time has passed by so fast...it always does!
"December 5, 2004 " hello baby boy! we found out november 18, which was thursday. we were so excited! i knew you were a boy! we got your crib, stroller, and car seat. mom proudly put the stroller together. daddy got us a new house too right next to my mother, you will have your own room! we got our first snow yesterday. youve been kicking like crazy lately. its so nice to feel you move"
February 17, 2005 "Hey brody hunny. just afew ore weeks to go! Now let me share some news with you. my belly button is really polking out, and i have my first tiny stretchmarks. Your always kicking in my ribs now and i jump. Ooh it bothers me. its like your foot is resting on my side, then you push like pushing yourself off the wall of a pool."
"dads leaving in june and i feel like i cant and wont be able to keep myself together. i have to for you and my sanity, but i still feel like i need help. "
"im working at friendlys and the gap 1 daya week each and going to school to be a CNA. me and your father painted your bedroom and ducky bathroom. even though youre not here yet i 'see' so much of your father in you. i imagine what you wil look like, dads cheeks, big eyes, and smile, but my lips, your dads nose, my hairline :) dads ears, and his smarts. "
"i gained 25 pounds and i hear you have a big head"
November 2005 "you are amazing! a perfect baby, a perfect blend of me and your dad. you love to be tickled and i always make time for that! i love to take you shopping with me. we have fun. daddy s on deployment through the navy and will be home december 8th. "
"...i will always believe in you even if you are at your wost point in life. im going to be here for you."
August 3, 2006 " you learned how to kiss! we went to RI and you kised cousin sam. You make the funniest expressions...theres this one face you make you scrunch up your face and make this 'laugh' sound. everyone gets a kick out of it. you have full conversations even though noone knows what you are saying. you love electronics, especially the phone and computer. "
" i love the little boy you are . youre already an awesome goofy kid you blow farts on my arm, and dance, and your feet smell too! Every day i discover something new i love about you."
Friday, February 19, 2010
Sushi and babies
I have SO much to write about but ill save it for another time.
so were in Chicago visiting marks side of the family. Tonight we decided to take the boys out for sushi... a nice, fairly quiet place. They are usually pretty good when we take them out. this place was not extremely kid friendly, but for my boys i thought we would be ok. HA.
So they put a couple behind us who you can tell have no kids. i see the mans head shaking now and then, his hand go up near his head now and then lol. i can tell he was a little annoyed, BUT if he only knew the adventure we had been on over the last week, and that i was trying my best to keep them happy.. they really werent THAT bad, they were just being kids! and ethans voice is naturally loud at times. they shouldve sat somewhere else and things would be fine. anyways...
so im going to make this kind of short because i need to get to bed!
well you know how you get glasses of water? ethan decided to dip his napkin in the water so he could wash his face... his WHOLE face lol. he left half of his napkin in the glass. so we had to give it to the waitress. no big deal. i brought crayons, and paper, i try to go anywhere prepared. ok, so were all just coloring... ethans fussing.. 'hey i dont want crayons, i want markers' well, i had no markers. eventually he decided he did want to color.
then all of a sudden i hear 'i farted' from ethans mouth... oh ethan shush!! lol. that was the first of about 2 or 3 times he said that. hes 2! were trying to teach him whats acceptable and whats not.. hes usually very polite ut hes not used to eating in a palce where it is so quiet. i guess. lol.
so then he is eating his rice, finally! after some convincing and almost having to take him to the bathroom so he could stop complaining... but we didnt need to. so anyways he drops the spoon and the damn thing breaks! it was the kind of spoon i got with my miso soup... so we sent that back to the kitchen.
then brody is wanting shrimp.. but i think since the museum he has been concerned about certain foods being 'real' or 'alive' so i have to get into a littl discussion about the food... i explain the shrimp was alive once, but its not now. so he tells me to eat it first then he will eat it. so i do. gladly btw... i love seafood! finally he tries it and thats all he eats for dinner.. that was ok by me at that point. he IS a good eater so ah well.. one time is ok.
so brody tries a piece of sushi... he likes the inside, but not the seaweek wrap part... 'thats gross' he says loud ..... uuhhh 'brody...shoosh!' he also made a loud comment about the smell of it lol. 'that stinks!'
so then i order them ice cream so i can enjoy my meal... hey i paid a good penny for this meal and its not often we get to do this ...i will never see these people again and my kids WILL learn to eat in nice restaurants.. they HAVE to learn so we can all go out together. and like i said, this was unexpected, theyre usually not that bad.
so then theyre eating their ice cream, its japanese style so its kind of got a flim on the outside, its kind of thick, and ethan is trying to 'cut' through it and all of a sudden "SMASH!!" the damn bowl falls on the floor beneath us and breaks... UUHHHH ETHHHAAANNNNN! lol. i felt a little stupid. lol. but its not like we caused such a scene, it was in my head though that we were, but most people, aside from that one couple, didnt notice our table. i dont think. lol.
so the staff were SOOOOO nice, and cleaned it up. i felt like more of a jerk because they have no idea who we are and about our traveling and busy schedule, and that my boys are good kids.. they probably thought they were little brats for all i know, but it didnt show if so.. because really they were SO helpful!
so finally moments later we get our check and leave and i had a LONG talk with both boys on the way home about appropriate ways of acting in a restaurant and la-de da-de da... like all you moms have probably told your kids... lol. so they came home and went to bed very well and tomorrow is a new day!!
so were in Chicago visiting marks side of the family. Tonight we decided to take the boys out for sushi... a nice, fairly quiet place. They are usually pretty good when we take them out. this place was not extremely kid friendly, but for my boys i thought we would be ok. HA.
So they put a couple behind us who you can tell have no kids. i see the mans head shaking now and then, his hand go up near his head now and then lol. i can tell he was a little annoyed, BUT if he only knew the adventure we had been on over the last week, and that i was trying my best to keep them happy.. they really werent THAT bad, they were just being kids! and ethans voice is naturally loud at times. they shouldve sat somewhere else and things would be fine. anyways...
so im going to make this kind of short because i need to get to bed!
well you know how you get glasses of water? ethan decided to dip his napkin in the water so he could wash his face... his WHOLE face lol. he left half of his napkin in the glass. so we had to give it to the waitress. no big deal. i brought crayons, and paper, i try to go anywhere prepared. ok, so were all just coloring... ethans fussing.. 'hey i dont want crayons, i want markers' well, i had no markers. eventually he decided he did want to color.
then all of a sudden i hear 'i farted' from ethans mouth... oh ethan shush!! lol. that was the first of about 2 or 3 times he said that. hes 2! were trying to teach him whats acceptable and whats not.. hes usually very polite ut hes not used to eating in a palce where it is so quiet. i guess. lol.
so then he is eating his rice, finally! after some convincing and almost having to take him to the bathroom so he could stop complaining... but we didnt need to. so anyways he drops the spoon and the damn thing breaks! it was the kind of spoon i got with my miso soup... so we sent that back to the kitchen.
then brody is wanting shrimp.. but i think since the museum he has been concerned about certain foods being 'real' or 'alive' so i have to get into a littl discussion about the food... i explain the shrimp was alive once, but its not now. so he tells me to eat it first then he will eat it. so i do. gladly btw... i love seafood! finally he tries it and thats all he eats for dinner.. that was ok by me at that point. he IS a good eater so ah well.. one time is ok.
so brody tries a piece of sushi... he likes the inside, but not the seaweek wrap part... 'thats gross' he says loud ..... uuhhh 'brody...shoosh!' he also made a loud comment about the smell of it lol. 'that stinks!'
so then i order them ice cream so i can enjoy my meal... hey i paid a good penny for this meal and its not often we get to do this ...i will never see these people again and my kids WILL learn to eat in nice restaurants.. they HAVE to learn so we can all go out together. and like i said, this was unexpected, theyre usually not that bad.
so then theyre eating their ice cream, its japanese style so its kind of got a flim on the outside, its kind of thick, and ethan is trying to 'cut' through it and all of a sudden "SMASH!!" the damn bowl falls on the floor beneath us and breaks... UUHHHH ETHHHAAANNNNN! lol. i felt a little stupid. lol. but its not like we caused such a scene, it was in my head though that we were, but most people, aside from that one couple, didnt notice our table. i dont think. lol.
so the staff were SOOOOO nice, and cleaned it up. i felt like more of a jerk because they have no idea who we are and about our traveling and busy schedule, and that my boys are good kids.. they probably thought they were little brats for all i know, but it didnt show if so.. because really they were SO helpful!
so finally moments later we get our check and leave and i had a LONG talk with both boys on the way home about appropriate ways of acting in a restaurant and la-de da-de da... like all you moms have probably told your kids... lol. so they came home and went to bed very well and tomorrow is a new day!!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
'You Lost' ...and a baseball story
To get Brody and Ethan moving their bum-bums in the morning ill have them race to get dressed, but Brody is usually slower than Ethan just because Brody is just not paying attention. so I usually hear ethan say 'oh yeah I won!' and Brody feels sad... so anyways It has helped Brody to get dressed faster, adn pretty much anything I want them to do, if they are not doing it I make a game of it...
SO I did this to get them in the car too (get their belts on and stuff etc... just to get out the door and to school on time!) so anyways, lately i hear Brody saying 'Oh yeah I won, you lose!' Then Ethan would say the same thing...'You lose!' whenever he would win...well i didnt like that... 'you lose'?????
So i explained to my boys, ' you finished first, he finished second....everyone won because you didnt give up. you only lose when you give up' Brody seems to really understand this.
When Brody played baseball we were pretty srtict with him finishing a game. he decided he wanted to play he was going to finish the game even if that meant he just sat on the bench or stood in the outfield, he was going to be there with his team.. he was apart of that team. I dont want him to get used to giving up so easy and it being ok. if he really really hated baseball i wouldnt make him go, but he did like it. he just got side tracked here and there now and then especialyl in the beginning when they were all just learning...(well it was a little boring sometimes!)
i remember hearing one grandmother of another kid say 'that boy doesnt want to be here he should go home' talking about brody, not knowing i was his mom. i ignored it but i really wanted to give her a piece of my mind because hes just a kid.. he was having an off day...
funny thing though is that at next practice, her grandson was fussing, crying, whinning, not wanting to play and well he didnt go home. they had him stick it out... but the grandmother wasnt there that day...unfortunately! kinda wish she got to see that so she could see all kids have bad days!
ok so back to my story...
so i started thinking about that statement in the adult world and how true i feel that really is. we dont lose until we give up. we are not losers unless we giveup. I started thinking about some of the decisions i know others have made and if they are, by my statement well... a loser lol. and the outcome is YES because they gave up on something they could have worked harder on. Like Dr. Phil says (lol) dont give up until you have tried absolutely everything, everything in your power... mostly speaking on marriages and divorce, but i agree with this.
So then i started to think about my schooling, and replacing the word 'loser' with 'failure' i am not a failure until i give up, before all other options were tried. and im certainly not ready to do that. I havent tried everything yet. With everything i do i try to do it with all of me...all that is inside of me. Same goes for my close relationships and trying everything i can to salvage the important ones.. upkeep them, kind of like a spring cleaning...make a phone call if its been a while... send a note..whatever... you get my point...
with relationships they all need a little tweak now and then or a clean up... you part a little, get close again...etc... this is just the way it is and its ok.
I have a best friend who i have known for 22 years and not all of those 22 years did we get along, or were always hanging out, etc... mostly in middle school we kind of drifted a little bit, but we were still friends and friendly. we found other friends too, and then eventually we got closer again and now still she is one of the 3 people i consider my 'best' friend'. she definitely holds the number 1 spot though because weve known eachother SOOOOOOO long.
SO I did this to get them in the car too (get their belts on and stuff etc... just to get out the door and to school on time!) so anyways, lately i hear Brody saying 'Oh yeah I won, you lose!' Then Ethan would say the same thing...'You lose!' whenever he would win...well i didnt like that... 'you lose'?????
So i explained to my boys, ' you finished first, he finished second....everyone won because you didnt give up. you only lose when you give up' Brody seems to really understand this.
When Brody played baseball we were pretty srtict with him finishing a game. he decided he wanted to play he was going to finish the game even if that meant he just sat on the bench or stood in the outfield, he was going to be there with his team.. he was apart of that team. I dont want him to get used to giving up so easy and it being ok. if he really really hated baseball i wouldnt make him go, but he did like it. he just got side tracked here and there now and then especialyl in the beginning when they were all just learning...(well it was a little boring sometimes!)
i remember hearing one grandmother of another kid say 'that boy doesnt want to be here he should go home' talking about brody, not knowing i was his mom. i ignored it but i really wanted to give her a piece of my mind because hes just a kid.. he was having an off day...
funny thing though is that at next practice, her grandson was fussing, crying, whinning, not wanting to play and well he didnt go home. they had him stick it out... but the grandmother wasnt there that day...unfortunately! kinda wish she got to see that so she could see all kids have bad days!
ok so back to my story...
so i started thinking about that statement in the adult world and how true i feel that really is. we dont lose until we give up. we are not losers unless we giveup. I started thinking about some of the decisions i know others have made and if they are, by my statement well... a loser lol. and the outcome is YES because they gave up on something they could have worked harder on. Like Dr. Phil says (lol) dont give up until you have tried absolutely everything, everything in your power... mostly speaking on marriages and divorce, but i agree with this.
So then i started to think about my schooling, and replacing the word 'loser' with 'failure' i am not a failure until i give up, before all other options were tried. and im certainly not ready to do that. I havent tried everything yet. With everything i do i try to do it with all of me...all that is inside of me. Same goes for my close relationships and trying everything i can to salvage the important ones.. upkeep them, kind of like a spring cleaning...make a phone call if its been a while... send a note..whatever... you get my point...
with relationships they all need a little tweak now and then or a clean up... you part a little, get close again...etc... this is just the way it is and its ok.
I have a best friend who i have known for 22 years and not all of those 22 years did we get along, or were always hanging out, etc... mostly in middle school we kind of drifted a little bit, but we were still friends and friendly. we found other friends too, and then eventually we got closer again and now still she is one of the 3 people i consider my 'best' friend'. she definitely holds the number 1 spot though because weve known eachother SOOOOOOO long.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Avoidance
If there is anything i dislike, its avoidance.
I am a fixer... i like to think i can fix people, fix situations, make everything all better, find some kind of balance...etc.... i just want to help!!
If there is problem i want to solve it.
I can also understand how this could be annoying to some people who just dont like confrontation or just need a break and dont wanan talk about it at the time.
I like to repair my relationships with people and talk to people i havent talked to in 5, 10, 20 years. to me IT IS FUN! and yes i realise i run the risk of learning something about them i may not want to know or the possibility of me being hurt by them. im not blind to that, but it is a chance im willing to take in some cases. sometimes, however, things become too much and i just have to pull away from them. I dont just avoid them though usually theres an explanation, i just dont like to leave people hanging. and chances are things will change again, relationships change again because people changes... life changes... i dont give up on people too easily, BUT im also not stupid. i do think about the consequences of inviting someone in my life, i confide in my closest friends and some family... so when things go wrong yeahhhh they may say 'i told you so' or think it, but i also, i always knew i was taking that chance for things to go wrong and i was ok with that choice.
I am a fixer... i like to think i can fix people, fix situations, make everything all better, find some kind of balance...etc.... i just want to help!!
If there is problem i want to solve it.
I can also understand how this could be annoying to some people who just dont like confrontation or just need a break and dont wanan talk about it at the time.
I like to repair my relationships with people and talk to people i havent talked to in 5, 10, 20 years. to me IT IS FUN! and yes i realise i run the risk of learning something about them i may not want to know or the possibility of me being hurt by them. im not blind to that, but it is a chance im willing to take in some cases. sometimes, however, things become too much and i just have to pull away from them. I dont just avoid them though usually theres an explanation, i just dont like to leave people hanging. and chances are things will change again, relationships change again because people changes... life changes... i dont give up on people too easily, BUT im also not stupid. i do think about the consequences of inviting someone in my life, i confide in my closest friends and some family... so when things go wrong yeahhhh they may say 'i told you so' or think it, but i also, i always knew i was taking that chance for things to go wrong and i was ok with that choice.
Morning coffee
Normally my morning coffee routine lasts about 2 hours lol. SERIOUSLY. most of those 2 hours i take for myself... Brody is at school, Ethan is usually peroccupied, and aside from breaks here and there i get y morning to myself which i actually enjoy and so does ethan it seems. Thankfully.
Right now Ethan is reading his tage book. he LOVES them. This time of day is my favorite time because i get to unwind and take in my morning. i spend all day with the boys and cleaning and here and there. so as long as Ethan is ok with this routine, I am happy for it.
im getting to the bottom of my coffee mug just about...
So I am wondering wile im sitting here, why do certain individuals make it so difficult to communicate with one another and be apart of each others lives? it is like a never ending battle it seems. No matter how much you try to get along perfectly with people, it will never happen and that should be ok. noone is going to agree with each other 100% all the time and if they do their lying.
I think a relationship becomes stressed out when people have unrealistic expectations of it. I also think sometimes people need breaks from one another, and others need to be reminded when they are crossing a boundary in the relationship, like my mom for instance. (sorry mom i love ya but your a good example lol) my mom KNOWS she over does it sometimes.. and i have to tell her ok ma, can you please just stop doing what youre doing. id much rather feel i can tell my mom the truth about how i feel about her actions rather than us not talk for months because im avoiding her. that becomes my problem, not hers... she probably didnt know she was being annoying.
then still with others, you tell them how you feel and they just dont seem to get it or give in a little bit... in that case for me, i have to just give myself a break from them. Sometimes people need space to grow or figure out who they are, or to figure out what they want, who is family to them and who they want to invite into their personal lives...etc.
Right now Ethan is reading his tage book. he LOVES them. This time of day is my favorite time because i get to unwind and take in my morning. i spend all day with the boys and cleaning and here and there. so as long as Ethan is ok with this routine, I am happy for it.
im getting to the bottom of my coffee mug just about...
So I am wondering wile im sitting here, why do certain individuals make it so difficult to communicate with one another and be apart of each others lives? it is like a never ending battle it seems. No matter how much you try to get along perfectly with people, it will never happen and that should be ok. noone is going to agree with each other 100% all the time and if they do their lying.
I think a relationship becomes stressed out when people have unrealistic expectations of it. I also think sometimes people need breaks from one another, and others need to be reminded when they are crossing a boundary in the relationship, like my mom for instance. (sorry mom i love ya but your a good example lol) my mom KNOWS she over does it sometimes.. and i have to tell her ok ma, can you please just stop doing what youre doing. id much rather feel i can tell my mom the truth about how i feel about her actions rather than us not talk for months because im avoiding her. that becomes my problem, not hers... she probably didnt know she was being annoying.
then still with others, you tell them how you feel and they just dont seem to get it or give in a little bit... in that case for me, i have to just give myself a break from them. Sometimes people need space to grow or figure out who they are, or to figure out what they want, who is family to them and who they want to invite into their personal lives...etc.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
the power of LOYALTY (and how to become a loyal person)
Some of this i am just going to copy and paste to use from another website, because it is so great. my promise to myself is that i will strive to be a loyal person. At times, i feel as though i give and give myself, especially my heart and ear, to my friends and family, and this can be taken advantage of. I dont want to be mistaken for being a push over, because im not
so as mentioned in the previous post... i discovered loyalty... the word that defines what i have been striving to work towards without putting a word to it until now. I have good days and bad days, and days where i have so much built up inside of me i just want to explode on some people... my way to redirect that explosion is to frankly.. bitch about it to my best friend, or write about it and usually 9 out of 10 times i delete it after ive chilled out...
So anyways here it is:
We live in a world where selfishness seems to be the rule of the day, and personal gain the objective of most relationships and endeavors. One of the most honorable character traits a person can develop is the ability to be loyal, whether to family, friends, an employer, or clubs and organizations to which we may belong.
1. Understand what being loyal means. You must be willing to allow your own interests to take second place to be truly loyal to another person or cause. Loyalty is simply the act of putting someone or something else ahead of one's self.
2. Be willing to sacrifice. Being loyal in a patriot sense, as in loyal to one's country, has placed millions in harm's way in wars throughout history. The people who serve in the modern military are loyal to their nation, its flag, and the purpose they serve for. Being loyal to a friend or your own family can also require sacrifice.
3. Take time to look at the needs of whomever will have your loyalty. To take steps of loyalty, you need to recognize that it is a deliberate effort, and to be truly loyal to someone, you have to be willing to invest yourself, your time and energy in them.
4. Ask yourself if what or who you are offering your loyalty to is worthy of the investment. Is the person or organization who asks for your loyalty worthwhile?
5. Consider the benefits of loyalty. This may be most obvious in the case of employment. Being a loyal employee often creates its own rewards, with increases in pay, job security, and respect from your employer. Being a loyal employer, who is willing to look after your employees, will give them incentive to be more dedicated and productive for you.
6. Weigh the costs of being loyal. You should always structure the hierarchy of your loyalties according to your valuation of their importance. If being loyal to a group or club creates negative influence in your family or other social circumstance, it may not be worthwhile to continue that loyalty.
7. Balance your loyalties with the day-to-day needs of your own life and your family Being loyal to a volunteer group or social organization at the expense of taking time for your family may result in suffering loss in your personal relationships.
8. Look for reward and appreciation in your efforts to be loyal. Being loyal to an unappreciative person or group is not very rewarding, and although this implies a selfish motivation for your loyalty, it is a practical thing to expect the person or group to which you give your loyalty to be loyal to you in return.
IMPORTANT
I write with the intent ((usually)) of not hurting anyone, but just as a way to get my feelings out so sometimes i will write about a situation to vent, then later on delete it because it makes me feel better. Also, i may write about a situation and leave names out just because, at the time, i am venting, and thats one of my main ways to release some of my feelings.
The other day, i had made a post about feeling pretty bad about misunderstandings, and i am very glad to say taht the most mportant relationship within that, has been fixed... it never was really 'broken' as i said before, things were being worked through and so i couldnt be happier.
I am a person that has heavy emotions when it comes to my friends and family i love so much, and with everything in me, that certain things to any other person that may not be a big deal, are huge to me. dont get me wrong though, i am still with a tough outer skin when i need it GRRRRR!!! lol!!
truth is i just want happiness for myself. ive gotten very good at managing my relationships with people and being honest with not only friends and family, but myself. honesty is huge for me and loyalty.
LOYALTY... i was watching Wendy Williams today (how you doiiiiinnn!!!) lol and there was some chit chat about loyalty and family loyalty especially. in the next post, im going to talk more about loyalty. it never really hit me until now, the word and the actual definition adn what it means to a family...and how little loyalty i feel much of my own family has, and how i feel i have been working on this for several years. i plan to continue.
.. actually...i guess i should say there are a good handful of people who are loyal to me in my family (and friends)... theres a small portion who isnt. (of the people i consider important to me) when i refer to feeling much of my whole family has little loyalty to me, im referring to people i usually dont talk to... some i dont talk to anymore at all.
The other day, i had made a post about feeling pretty bad about misunderstandings, and i am very glad to say taht the most mportant relationship within that, has been fixed... it never was really 'broken' as i said before, things were being worked through and so i couldnt be happier.
I am a person that has heavy emotions when it comes to my friends and family i love so much, and with everything in me, that certain things to any other person that may not be a big deal, are huge to me. dont get me wrong though, i am still with a tough outer skin when i need it GRRRRR!!! lol!!
truth is i just want happiness for myself. ive gotten very good at managing my relationships with people and being honest with not only friends and family, but myself. honesty is huge for me and loyalty.
LOYALTY... i was watching Wendy Williams today (how you doiiiiinnn!!!) lol and there was some chit chat about loyalty and family loyalty especially. in the next post, im going to talk more about loyalty. it never really hit me until now, the word and the actual definition adn what it means to a family...and how little loyalty i feel much of my own family has, and how i feel i have been working on this for several years. i plan to continue.
.. actually...i guess i should say there are a good handful of people who are loyal to me in my family (and friends)... theres a small portion who isnt. (of the people i consider important to me) when i refer to feeling much of my whole family has little loyalty to me, im referring to people i usually dont talk to... some i dont talk to anymore at all.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
'Tis a happy day!
i got up feeling good, brody got out of bed after only asking him 2x to do so, and ethan got right up and dressed himself! yay! (hes only 2 dont forget) even went potty and put BRODYS dirty laundry in the laundry room! im totally impressed! AND ethan ate his breakfast... and he didnt have a tantrum at all yet! YESSSS! LOL!! we came home from bringing brody to school and played "hotwheels" (cars) for a bit, then i made my coffee and now 'were' watching "cars" the movie.
I think the reason i am feeling pretty good today is that i did my wii fit for almost 2 total hours yesterday. i worked out for about an hour last night, doing mostly yoga and games... and i woke up feeling really good and ready to go, despite still having this cold.
I think the reason i am feeling pretty good today is that i did my wii fit for almost 2 total hours yesterday. i worked out for about an hour last night, doing mostly yoga and games... and i woke up feeling really good and ready to go, despite still having this cold.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
When one door closes, another one opens...and closes, and opens, and closes, and opens...
This morning, as usual, started off slow. i HAD to take a shower before getting brody to school. my hair was a mess.. i couldnt even get a brush through it.. like i said yesterday i hadnt been feeling good and today so far i wasnt feeling much better so i didnt get dressed other than to grab brody from school .. i barely call what i wore being dressed though.
so anyhow... the morning started off slow.. brody is a little absent minded in the morning. i set out his clothes for him, made sure he was lookign at me before i got in the shower.. "here are your clothes brody. please be dressed before i am out of the shower." so i get out of the shower.. brody is not dressed, and his clothes are missing. he cant find them.... this happens every so many days with him... SOMEhow... the clothes went from my bed where i put them, to the kitchen chair... hmm... and it took brody about 5 minutes to find them.. maybe longer.
anyways.. he gets dressed. he felt bad about losing his clothes and moving so slowly, he did appologize.. what a sweety! he made me feel a little bit better...
so i get the boys food, send brody off to school, get home.. everything is OK.
Ethan comes home and is acting so cute hiding under the blanket. (i was making my bed) then he goes off on his own to play with his trucks and cars from the cars movie. so so cute! i get my coffee made, tv is on something i want to watch, i even called mark just to tell him i love him (hehehe! he was in his cheifs office when i called him. )
so i sit down and ethan is happy. YAAAYYYY! he ate, he got dressed without a problem, no issues with shoes... AAHHHH.
well about 20 minutes after this, all of a sudden, literally, ethan starts to fuss "i want to get out brodys door!" and runs to the front door of our house. HUUH? "ethie, you DID get out of brodys door" ( he likes to get out of the door where brodys seat is in the jeep. idk why, its pretty annoying, but i really have to pick my battles with him or ill go nuts.. so i let him do it. )
so i tell him no a million different ways, that doesnt work... so after many unsucessful tries to get him to calm down.. (hes now crying and fussing) i had to put him in his room with the gate up.. after about 5 minutes if that, i go try to talk to him and ask if he is going to be a good boy. "no" he says... so i tell him when he is ready to be a good boy i will let him out.
a few minutes later i go back to him.. hes now asking if he can PLEASE close the front door... AAWWEE he did say please.. he asked a few times. so i ask him if he is ready to be a good boy. he says yes, so i put the gate down adn let him close the door. it wasnt as fast as im making it seem, but as soon as the door is closed i lock it (im paranoid and never ever have my door unlocked lol) so then he is fussing because ...well i forget at this point HAHHA! so i put him back in his room with the gate up until he can calm down.
a few minutes later, i go back to him, i ask him if he will be a good boy and he says yes... he says he wants a hug too, so i put the gate down and just hug my baby boy and try to get him to think about something else... "want cheese crackers? milk? grapes? raisins? " you get the idea.. he said no the evrything.. but eventually he said he wanted a granola bar so we go get one together.
so he ate the granola bar and is happily playing with his cars again! its been about 30 minutes now and he is my happy little ethie again! AHHHHH!
so anyhow... the morning started off slow.. brody is a little absent minded in the morning. i set out his clothes for him, made sure he was lookign at me before i got in the shower.. "here are your clothes brody. please be dressed before i am out of the shower." so i get out of the shower.. brody is not dressed, and his clothes are missing. he cant find them.... this happens every so many days with him... SOMEhow... the clothes went from my bed where i put them, to the kitchen chair... hmm... and it took brody about 5 minutes to find them.. maybe longer.
anyways.. he gets dressed. he felt bad about losing his clothes and moving so slowly, he did appologize.. what a sweety! he made me feel a little bit better...
so i get the boys food, send brody off to school, get home.. everything is OK.
Ethan comes home and is acting so cute hiding under the blanket. (i was making my bed) then he goes off on his own to play with his trucks and cars from the cars movie. so so cute! i get my coffee made, tv is on something i want to watch, i even called mark just to tell him i love him (hehehe! he was in his cheifs office when i called him. )
so i sit down and ethan is happy. YAAAYYYY! he ate, he got dressed without a problem, no issues with shoes... AAHHHH.
well about 20 minutes after this, all of a sudden, literally, ethan starts to fuss "i want to get out brodys door!" and runs to the front door of our house. HUUH? "ethie, you DID get out of brodys door" ( he likes to get out of the door where brodys seat is in the jeep. idk why, its pretty annoying, but i really have to pick my battles with him or ill go nuts.. so i let him do it. )
so i tell him no a million different ways, that doesnt work... so after many unsucessful tries to get him to calm down.. (hes now crying and fussing) i had to put him in his room with the gate up.. after about 5 minutes if that, i go try to talk to him and ask if he is going to be a good boy. "no" he says... so i tell him when he is ready to be a good boy i will let him out.
a few minutes later i go back to him.. hes now asking if he can PLEASE close the front door... AAWWEE he did say please.. he asked a few times. so i ask him if he is ready to be a good boy. he says yes, so i put the gate down adn let him close the door. it wasnt as fast as im making it seem, but as soon as the door is closed i lock it (im paranoid and never ever have my door unlocked lol) so then he is fussing because ...well i forget at this point HAHHA! so i put him back in his room with the gate up until he can calm down.
a few minutes later, i go back to him, i ask him if he will be a good boy and he says yes... he says he wants a hug too, so i put the gate down and just hug my baby boy and try to get him to think about something else... "want cheese crackers? milk? grapes? raisins? " you get the idea.. he said no the evrything.. but eventually he said he wanted a granola bar so we go get one together.
so he ate the granola bar and is happily playing with his cars again! its been about 30 minutes now and he is my happy little ethie again! AHHHHH!
i like to eat, eat, eat, ORANGES and bananaaaassss!
So this is actually a post for yesterday. but today was just as bad. of COURSE this is going to be about ethie...who else were you thinkng :P oh ethie my love...
SOOOO before i drop brody off at school i offer to let ethan choose something healthy for breakfast. "orange" he says. perfect... i peel him and orange, start to separate it... "i want to do itttt!" he says... ok, so i hand him the orange in a bowl. "nooooo i want new one.. i peel it!" after trying to tell him no, he has to eat the orange i started to peel, i give in. i was really feeling sick yesterday with my sinuses all conjested, and hadnt had any coffee yet, i gave in... ethie gets his orange, BUT im going to have him eat both oranges.
so he tries to peel the orange and cant. so i start it for him... then he finishes it and separates them. he eats one orange wedge and half of another... then asks for a banana. im on the phone with mom... and im not really paying attention to the bowl of oranges.. i ssumed he ate them.. so i let him have a banana.. im just glad hes eating! (he goes through purts of eating really well, then barely eating anything at all.)
so i start to peel it and by the time i get to the last peel hes upset. "i want to do it" oh ok, so i hand him the banana so he can peel it. no, thats not going to work. he wanted to peel the entire banana.. so after several minutes of trying to get him to eat it, he convinced me, (somehow.. cant remember because i was on the phoen with my mom) to give him another banana so he could peel it himself. i was ok with it though i figured fine ill just eat the other banana myself to save us both a headache.
so WOW.. what do you know, ethie cant peel the banana, just like i told him, he wouldnt be able to. so i started it for him... then he starts to peel it... the entire peel is off now. so then he takes one bite. perfect....hes going to eat it.
(mom is laughing at me btw... )
then he says he wants the other banana too. "your going to eat both bananas?" "yep!" ok, so i give him a plate with both bananas on it... hes mad because he wants the peel on banana #1. ok, ill just slap the peel on it and maybe he wont care..or notice... hes too smart not to notice, but its worth a try.
this makes him angry... uuuhh! ok... fine fine, ethie, just take the one banana you peeled. well ethie doesnt want either banana now and throws them on the floor. of course!
so i put the bananas on a plate, on the table, and its time to get brody to school. ethie can eat when he gets home.
so when we get home from bringing brody to school, i notice the bananas are gone from the table... the dog ate them while i was gone. (my boxer, blue.) she didnt touch the oranges. those i put on the counter and they are STILL there. theyre kind of gross now though so they most likely wont get eaten.
a similar scenario went down for lunch. all he wanted was this raisin bread i have. ok well thats kind of healthy. so i give him a piece. nothing on it, not toated, thats how he likes it. he wants 2. i hesitate, knowing he probably wont eat 2, but he didnt have much for breakfast so maybe.. worse case, ill put the second one back if he doesnt eat it.. i just want him to EAT!
so what does ethan do? takes 1 bite out of 1 bread, and eats half way around the edge of another piece. i saved the toast. its on the counter this morning...
he did eat pretty good for dinner though. guess i shouldve attempted the toast for dinner, but he had fish sticks and fries.. so i guess the fish is a little better for him.. so i was happy.
he had NO unhealthy snacks yesterday.. since he couldnt eat, i didnt think he deserved anything.
SOOOO before i drop brody off at school i offer to let ethan choose something healthy for breakfast. "orange" he says. perfect... i peel him and orange, start to separate it... "i want to do itttt!" he says... ok, so i hand him the orange in a bowl. "nooooo i want new one.. i peel it!" after trying to tell him no, he has to eat the orange i started to peel, i give in. i was really feeling sick yesterday with my sinuses all conjested, and hadnt had any coffee yet, i gave in... ethie gets his orange, BUT im going to have him eat both oranges.
so he tries to peel the orange and cant. so i start it for him... then he finishes it and separates them. he eats one orange wedge and half of another... then asks for a banana. im on the phone with mom... and im not really paying attention to the bowl of oranges.. i ssumed he ate them.. so i let him have a banana.. im just glad hes eating! (he goes through purts of eating really well, then barely eating anything at all.)
so i start to peel it and by the time i get to the last peel hes upset. "i want to do it" oh ok, so i hand him the banana so he can peel it. no, thats not going to work. he wanted to peel the entire banana.. so after several minutes of trying to get him to eat it, he convinced me, (somehow.. cant remember because i was on the phoen with my mom) to give him another banana so he could peel it himself. i was ok with it though i figured fine ill just eat the other banana myself to save us both a headache.
so WOW.. what do you know, ethie cant peel the banana, just like i told him, he wouldnt be able to. so i started it for him... then he starts to peel it... the entire peel is off now. so then he takes one bite. perfect....hes going to eat it.
(mom is laughing at me btw... )
then he says he wants the other banana too. "your going to eat both bananas?" "yep!" ok, so i give him a plate with both bananas on it... hes mad because he wants the peel on banana #1. ok, ill just slap the peel on it and maybe he wont care..or notice... hes too smart not to notice, but its worth a try.
this makes him angry... uuuhh! ok... fine fine, ethie, just take the one banana you peeled. well ethie doesnt want either banana now and throws them on the floor. of course!
so i put the bananas on a plate, on the table, and its time to get brody to school. ethie can eat when he gets home.
so when we get home from bringing brody to school, i notice the bananas are gone from the table... the dog ate them while i was gone. (my boxer, blue.) she didnt touch the oranges. those i put on the counter and they are STILL there. theyre kind of gross now though so they most likely wont get eaten.
a similar scenario went down for lunch. all he wanted was this raisin bread i have. ok well thats kind of healthy. so i give him a piece. nothing on it, not toated, thats how he likes it. he wants 2. i hesitate, knowing he probably wont eat 2, but he didnt have much for breakfast so maybe.. worse case, ill put the second one back if he doesnt eat it.. i just want him to EAT!
so what does ethan do? takes 1 bite out of 1 bread, and eats half way around the edge of another piece. i saved the toast. its on the counter this morning...
he did eat pretty good for dinner though. guess i shouldve attempted the toast for dinner, but he had fish sticks and fries.. so i guess the fish is a little better for him.. so i was happy.
he had NO unhealthy snacks yesterday.. since he couldnt eat, i didnt think he deserved anything.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
dunkin donuts AAAAHHHH.. not so aaahhhh today...
We JUST got a dunkin donuts here. i am SO happy. up north, they are on every other corner. so when we moved down south i was pretty sad there was no dunkin donuts ithin miles...hours...
so there is 1 dunkin donuts that opened up this week and i found out about 4 days before they opened. i was SOOOOO happy!
so the other day after waiting in line FORever... i took my youngest son with me to dunkin donuts at 8:30m after dropping my oldest son at daycare. i got my coffee and donuts. they didnt give me napkins, and the coffee was GREAT but not JUST like back home, but i was happy because its been a while! they also gave me chocolate glazed donuts, not frosted like i asked lol. ok, so whatever... thats fine. i go there again today, wait in line forever again, got my coffee (toasted almond) it smelled burned, but it was a fast line, so idk, maybe it was my imagination. they forgot my flavoring, and gave me the wrong size, but it was bigger so HEY whose complaining! i got the boys donuts... when i worked there, we separated the donuts with the little "paper" thingys so they wouldnt stick to eachother.. well, all my chocolate donuts were melted and stuck together, AND i had no napkins again....are they just not giving out napkins anymore??? idk, i was a little dissapointed today though. i know its just D&D but still... its my love and im sad :( theres a whole art to it and im not impressed lol. hopefully next week will be better... maybe i should tell them how its really done lol...
so there is 1 dunkin donuts that opened up this week and i found out about 4 days before they opened. i was SOOOOO happy!
so the other day after waiting in line FORever... i took my youngest son with me to dunkin donuts at 8:30m after dropping my oldest son at daycare. i got my coffee and donuts. they didnt give me napkins, and the coffee was GREAT but not JUST like back home, but i was happy because its been a while! they also gave me chocolate glazed donuts, not frosted like i asked lol. ok, so whatever... thats fine. i go there again today, wait in line forever again, got my coffee (toasted almond) it smelled burned, but it was a fast line, so idk, maybe it was my imagination. they forgot my flavoring, and gave me the wrong size, but it was bigger so HEY whose complaining! i got the boys donuts... when i worked there, we separated the donuts with the little "paper" thingys so they wouldnt stick to eachother.. well, all my chocolate donuts were melted and stuck together, AND i had no napkins again....are they just not giving out napkins anymore??? idk, i was a little dissapointed today though. i know its just D&D but still... its my love and im sad :( theres a whole art to it and im not impressed lol. hopefully next week will be better... maybe i should tell them how its really done lol...
Friday, January 15, 2010
Introduction
Im going to keep this as short as possible.
My name is Jacquie and i LOVE to write and share certain bits of my personal life lol. im quiet, usually, well, ok, not all the time, i do love to talk. i act like a psychologist im told and its true, but i love to try to help people and i love psychology. i honestly think taking these psych classes has helped me understand quite a bit about myself and other people.
i make a LOT of typos. so sorry... i probably will have words spelled wrong here and there, typos, my I's are rarely capitolized.... w/e this isnt english class. i also tend to write how i speak too... and these little ... i use ofen lol.
SO im 25 years old, im a mom of 2 boys, married for 5 years to a navy man and im a very happy person. i started nursing school last year, but my school sucked horribly and i will be moving soon to another state where i will finish nursing school so in the meantime im a stay at home mother and my oldest son brody, who is 4, is in preschool. So i stay home with my youngest son ethan (aka ethie) while he is at school. we have 2 dogs, a boxer i usually dont like but she is growing on me lately, and harley... my shih tzu who has several nick names like ahr bar, barley, bar bar...etc... my kids also have nick names... several... lol.
Im a northern girl, originally from RI, moved to maine for a few years, and now were in FL. i dont care much for the south, where im at anyways, BUT this weather is growing on me and the people here are definitely different from RI people.
OH look, theres a spell check here. i may or may not use that depending on how lazy i feel.
My mother is italian german and english, i have her italian mouth when i need it, and my dad is cape verdean... most peopel do not know what that is, but i have a lot of pride in my nationality.
i have 4 brothers, a ton of nieces and nephews, a bunch of great friends, and a lot of time on my hands right now! ha!
My name is Jacquie and i LOVE to write and share certain bits of my personal life lol. im quiet, usually, well, ok, not all the time, i do love to talk. i act like a psychologist im told and its true, but i love to try to help people and i love psychology. i honestly think taking these psych classes has helped me understand quite a bit about myself and other people.
i make a LOT of typos. so sorry... i probably will have words spelled wrong here and there, typos, my I's are rarely capitolized.... w/e this isnt english class. i also tend to write how i speak too... and these little ... i use ofen lol.
SO im 25 years old, im a mom of 2 boys, married for 5 years to a navy man and im a very happy person. i started nursing school last year, but my school sucked horribly and i will be moving soon to another state where i will finish nursing school so in the meantime im a stay at home mother and my oldest son brody, who is 4, is in preschool. So i stay home with my youngest son ethan (aka ethie) while he is at school. we have 2 dogs, a boxer i usually dont like but she is growing on me lately, and harley... my shih tzu who has several nick names like ahr bar, barley, bar bar...etc... my kids also have nick names... several... lol.
Im a northern girl, originally from RI, moved to maine for a few years, and now were in FL. i dont care much for the south, where im at anyways, BUT this weather is growing on me and the people here are definitely different from RI people.
OH look, theres a spell check here. i may or may not use that depending on how lazy i feel.
My mother is italian german and english, i have her italian mouth when i need it, and my dad is cape verdean... most peopel do not know what that is, but i have a lot of pride in my nationality.
i have 4 brothers, a ton of nieces and nephews, a bunch of great friends, and a lot of time on my hands right now! ha!
Ethie... We have a problem
I know normally, i should give an introduction first, but right now i have to get my morning tantrum (uh, ethies mornign tantrum) out to the world i guess. Ethan (aka ethie) is my 2 1/2 year old son.
SO the mornign starts off well, sort of. My 2 little boys are snuggling with me in bed, i wake them up to snuggles and tickles, my kids are happy and laughing, and suprizingly, were going to get my older son to school on time. I have to get Brody, my oldest, to school by 8am. so we head on out, get to school adn that is where the trouble starts with ethie.
ohhhh ethie...
i have to put in a code on a screen to get brody into his school...and usually the kids like to push the right buttons to make the door open. ethie likes to push the stop light button for the door to open...well, brody got to it first, so of course ethie flips out. once i get the door open and ethie behind it though, i can atleast drop brody off to class and let ethie flip out for just a second in the hallway at the door. im about 100 feet from him, hes fine.
so off brody goes to class and i grab ethie, now theres probably about 10 people there who hear my child cries and fusses, and i try to explain to ethie when we go to get brody, he then can push the button...
that wasnt going to fly with ethie..
so i get ethie in the car asap, dont even buckle him in yet. i sit there for a minute because i know whats to come next.... hes going to have a bad tantrum.. well, it technically already started, but it wasnt that bad yet. so he refuses to get in his seat. so i turn around in my chair to try to help my wild 2 year old get in his seat...yeah right... so i get out the car, hop in the bac seat to get ethie down in his chair, finally after successfully managing to do that i try to open the door to get out of the car but we have the child protection lock on, so i have to climb in the front seat. so i feel a little silly because now ive been climbing all around the car liek an animal, and im parked right in front of the building. ah well..
so we drive home.. all the way home, the 10 minute drive, ethie is crying and fussing about this button. i try to convince him to get out of the car when we get home, tellign him he can puh the lock button.. ok, so that worked. then i have to try to get him in the house. he loves to close the front door, so i make it sound really exciting "ethie you want to close the door? you can close the door! yay! lets go!" ok, so he starts walking up the drive way as if he is going to walk to daycare so he can push that button.. uuuhh!!!! ethie....
so finally, he starts walking to the door, but doesnt step inside the house...so i close the door on him and peek out the window and tell him" bye bye" and then he gets upset after a few seconds, so i let him in... then he comes in..
after a while of playing do you want to close the door, him saying yes, then not doing it, i gave up. i closed the door and started to clean. ive learned how to dealw ith ethies tantrums. he is nothing liek his older brother, who really was a lot easier lol.... so instead of me getting frustrated, i really do laugh in my head to myself, and i just clean... as long as im up usually its a distractor for both of us.
so i start vaccuming... when i walked in the door one of th dogs got ahold of ethies pull up so there was stuffing all over the place. (clean pullup thankfully. they must have gotten it from my bag!) so im vaccuming. ethie is so upset ... probably because the vaccum is louder than him.. so he comes over to the vaccum adn hits it.. i tell him we do not hit.. and continue to vaccum.. then he practically climbs on the vaccum, trying to turn it off, adn i figure, ok, if hes going to do this, ill make it more difficult for him,.... so i start vaccuming a little out of control lol. i get a laugh out of it in my head as ethie is barely hanging onto the vaccuma dn trying with all his might to turn it off. eventually he goes away. so i throw in a load of laundry, make a bed, get him juice that he threw on the floor.. he also told me not to make brodys bed.. while all of these tasks are bing done of mine, im askign ethie if he wants to help me to distract him but he didnt want to. he just cried at the door.
so ok, 45 minutes later, since the tantrum began, ethie says he wants to close the door, so i tell him ill allow him to do it and he has to be a good boy.. so i did it...and he was just fine... he grabbed his juice, and is now watching sesame street lol.
OHHH ethie.... ethie...ethie....
total tantrum time: 45 minutes.
total stress level from 1-10 on average: 3
total level of patience tested on a 1-10 scale: 10
SO the mornign starts off well, sort of. My 2 little boys are snuggling with me in bed, i wake them up to snuggles and tickles, my kids are happy and laughing, and suprizingly, were going to get my older son to school on time. I have to get Brody, my oldest, to school by 8am. so we head on out, get to school adn that is where the trouble starts with ethie.
ohhhh ethie...
i have to put in a code on a screen to get brody into his school...and usually the kids like to push the right buttons to make the door open. ethie likes to push the stop light button for the door to open...well, brody got to it first, so of course ethie flips out. once i get the door open and ethie behind it though, i can atleast drop brody off to class and let ethie flip out for just a second in the hallway at the door. im about 100 feet from him, hes fine.
so off brody goes to class and i grab ethie, now theres probably about 10 people there who hear my child cries and fusses, and i try to explain to ethie when we go to get brody, he then can push the button...
that wasnt going to fly with ethie..
so i get ethie in the car asap, dont even buckle him in yet. i sit there for a minute because i know whats to come next.... hes going to have a bad tantrum.. well, it technically already started, but it wasnt that bad yet. so he refuses to get in his seat. so i turn around in my chair to try to help my wild 2 year old get in his seat...yeah right... so i get out the car, hop in the bac seat to get ethie down in his chair, finally after successfully managing to do that i try to open the door to get out of the car but we have the child protection lock on, so i have to climb in the front seat. so i feel a little silly because now ive been climbing all around the car liek an animal, and im parked right in front of the building. ah well..
so we drive home.. all the way home, the 10 minute drive, ethie is crying and fussing about this button. i try to convince him to get out of the car when we get home, tellign him he can puh the lock button.. ok, so that worked. then i have to try to get him in the house. he loves to close the front door, so i make it sound really exciting "ethie you want to close the door? you can close the door! yay! lets go!" ok, so he starts walking up the drive way as if he is going to walk to daycare so he can push that button.. uuuhh!!!! ethie....
so finally, he starts walking to the door, but doesnt step inside the house...so i close the door on him and peek out the window and tell him" bye bye" and then he gets upset after a few seconds, so i let him in... then he comes in..
after a while of playing do you want to close the door, him saying yes, then not doing it, i gave up. i closed the door and started to clean. ive learned how to dealw ith ethies tantrums. he is nothing liek his older brother, who really was a lot easier lol.... so instead of me getting frustrated, i really do laugh in my head to myself, and i just clean... as long as im up usually its a distractor for both of us.
so i start vaccuming... when i walked in the door one of th dogs got ahold of ethies pull up so there was stuffing all over the place. (clean pullup thankfully. they must have gotten it from my bag!) so im vaccuming. ethie is so upset ... probably because the vaccum is louder than him.. so he comes over to the vaccum adn hits it.. i tell him we do not hit.. and continue to vaccum.. then he practically climbs on the vaccum, trying to turn it off, adn i figure, ok, if hes going to do this, ill make it more difficult for him,.... so i start vaccuming a little out of control lol. i get a laugh out of it in my head as ethie is barely hanging onto the vaccuma dn trying with all his might to turn it off. eventually he goes away. so i throw in a load of laundry, make a bed, get him juice that he threw on the floor.. he also told me not to make brodys bed.. while all of these tasks are bing done of mine, im askign ethie if he wants to help me to distract him but he didnt want to. he just cried at the door.
so ok, 45 minutes later, since the tantrum began, ethie says he wants to close the door, so i tell him ill allow him to do it and he has to be a good boy.. so i did it...and he was just fine... he grabbed his juice, and is now watching sesame street lol.
OHHH ethie.... ethie...ethie....
total tantrum time: 45 minutes.
total stress level from 1-10 on average: 3
total level of patience tested on a 1-10 scale: 10
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