Cleaning.. and as usual with cleaning things pop into my mind that I have to stop what I am doing to blog about it. (as usual, forgive the bad punctuation with my contractions, lowercase "I" etc.. I just dont feel like bothering with fixing them lol)
What is now my blog, was once my journal. however, my journals are MUCH more private for the most part. I was putting some books away today when i came across the last journal i started back when i lived in Florida. I remember the day too. It was a night after school, I went to the local barnes and noble and saw this nice journal with a ring binder (i love by the way) and it has the serenity prayer on it. I had only written a few pages. I didnt get too far because then I was starting nursing school and got very busy. Soon after (or maybe around the same time) I started blogging to release some of this extra energy I had.
So today I read my entry from that journal. about 5 pages. It made me start to think about all my other journals i have.. a box full of them.. made me think about whipping those out and start reading. there are some really good times in those journals... my first "love", stories about what i did with my friends, other crushes, my pets lol.. then as i became a teenager.. typical stuff a teenager would write about. some of it you WISH you could forget! and then there is the pages that are just downright sad and as you are reading, it comes back to you.. whatever that it may be. and you sort of relive those feelings again, or you think to your 28 year old self "what the f*ck?" it is almost as if that is a time that was so long ago you cant believe you had gone through that experience. Sometimes I wish my 28 year old self could have been a friend to me when I was that young. For the most part, I did very well. people would often tell me I acted mature for my age. and I did. I didnt have much of a choice either being exposed to certain things as a younger kid, worrying about things a kid shouldnt have to. The problem was is my ears were big and where adults were talking, I was listening! :)
As a teenager, those were some years where as most teenagers, I went through some struggles and the people I learned I coudl lean on were miles and miles away, so i turned to my friends, also as most teenagers do. So reading these journals around my teenage years, yes some of those events feel dramatic the way i wrote about them but as an adult now, at that time they were very real.
What i really disliked about that time in life is that as a teenager, we go through these emotions that adults dont really consider to be anything more than a phase or whatever label you want to put on it, but at the time, they are very real feelings and experiences to us. I hope I am sensitive to that when my boys are older.
A lot of people i talk to, eventually, you end up talking about something that leads to "when i was in high school" or "when i was a teenager"... because that was a time when we were learning about our world, forming relationships, faced with our first real disappointments, trying to find our identity etc.. a lot of things stem back to those dreadful teenage years :)
So as I was saying, I am thinking about these old journals I have. all the way from about 3rd grade to now. from the early years some entries are funny like "I love my dog" lol. Others remind me of times me and my best friend would fight "I will never be Amanda Pattersons friend again!" then here we are age 28 as best of friends as 2 people could be lol. then teenage years... the years I most like to read. A few reasons for this. One it really helps me see how much I have changed and grown. I can read the process. two it shows me what a smart kid i was at times. for not really having support at times when i needed it, how did i know at that age to do what i did and make it out ok? it is pretty nice. I used to read a LOT of psychology stuff back then (still do) I didnt understand some people, I wanted even then to train myself to be a good parent and grown up. I took many classes in high school that to this day I still have some sacred information I saved from that time. I have a folder of stuff.
Another reason I saved those things is because I have a niece who i loved so much! seriously. i prayed for a sister and god took away whatever child my mother was pregnant at the time with, but i gained a niece who i treated like my sister, my daughter, my friend, my everything. i was protective of her. I knew what she was in for and wanted to make sure i could help her and had resources to do so. So, like a little psychologist and nurse that i felt i was lol, i saved everything important so i could share with her and help her. I was born to look out after other people.
So On this Sunday morning I am thinking about pulling that shoebox full of old journals down to read through them a bit but also there comes the consequence of feeling bad or sad again over something old. Usually i do read parts of those journals around moving time as im packing up my old shoe box to another box...ready for moving. I mean, reading those less than desirable sections of the journals doesnt make me feel down right awful, but, sometimes those entries show you that some people or things never change, and it puts an impression in your memory bank that maybe had i not written down that entry, i would have forgotten and i would have been for the better. We should be remembering the good times. but coming across those "bummer" entries is unavoidable. maybe i should put a warning label on those ones lol!
Anyhow.. off to finish my cleaning. maybe I will write a new entry in this old dusty journal that has been sitting on my shelf once I am done. I also have a journal I started for my boys when i became pregnant with brody. a very good idea! takes me back to a place i LOVED! remembering my pregnancy, and how i felt, my feelings about being a mother, how ecxcited i was etc.. about once a year i update it. Again, it is a part of that "i have to take care of people" in me. I have their baby books i wrote in extensively.. i wanted to live every moment and not forget anything i went through. One day if they ask me a question, i want it to be documented incase i forget or if something were to happen to me, they would have the information and now at that time how much i absolutely loved them and all that they did even if it was just the first time they held a bottle lol!
I have also gathered a lot of family history for them. I have a folder, print outs, pictures etc of some really good documentation about their family. my side and marks side. such interesting material! To me, it is so important to know where not only you came from, but where your family came fronm. it gives a real appreciation to life.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Parenting
I would like to start this blog with a quote from the web:
"To the present parent, the child appears as the original parent...
Role reversal is defined as a reversal of the dependency role, in which parents turn to their infants and small children for nurturing and protection. These parents seem to have perceived and experienced their own parents as unloving, cruel, and brutal. Therefore, their egos have not matured and, consequently, social and parental role development has been retarded. When natural infant-child dependency is experienced by these parents as a series of assaultive acts upon themselves, they retaliate with actual assaultive behaviour. This retaliation may be phrased passively, in neglect, or actively, by battering.."
Parenting and parenting styles have been heavily on my mind lately. I opened my eyes this morning, and it is as if I had a dream about parenting... instantly I felt I had to write and what started as a post to facebook...became very long and needed to be in blog form. :)
Here is what I have learned. When a parent did not supposedly get the love and attention from their own mother/father... they have these children that they expect to love them and care for them because they were deprived of that from their own parents, especially the mother. "MOM" is a very important and powerful person. For the purpose of this blog, I am focusing on mom and the impact she has on her children. So mom is deprived, has high expectations of her children. expectations that maybe for a little while the child can full-fill because they are young and naive, but one day those children grow into difficult teenagers who NEED their parents and mom... and mom feels angry about this new independence their child is trying to get...maybe even jealous. and what will mom do now? now her child is growing up and having a social life, and they need a little less of mom, who up until she had her children, had "no one" to love her the way her children did when they were young. It is not fair, the children end up paying the price for what mom lacked from her own mother. In some cases, mom can recover from this and become and excellent mother. it si what you make of it, but at other times, for whatever the reason, mom doesn't get the big picture, and it is as if mom will do anything to keep her children her children because they are all she has to love and care for her.
The children grow up and get married, have children of their own. Then what? one of two things... the children are angry for being deprived of having a mother they deserved because she was wrapped up in her own pain of not having the mother she needed, so they have children to love them and the cycle continues... OR the children are afraid of screwing up their own children so they go above and beyond to make sure they don't fall into the cycle of roll reversal. They understand the unfairness and pain it caused for them, and do not want that relationship with their own offspring.
Those are my observations and quite frankly I would go on.
Here is my style of parenting, and everyone is different, but here is mine and why i choose to parent the way I do;
I planned to have my son Brody. I was ready to be a mother despite me only being 20, I had goals I had set for myself that by age 25 I would have/do and very proudly I am telling you I have met my expectations. To me, I wanted to have children to show them a good life, to love them, nurture them, and set them up to be good people (fathers, workers, husbands etc) one day. My theory is that to the age of 18, minimum, (legally really) I am responsible for them. It is my responsibility to prepare them for the real world, and if I don't have the answers, find someone who does. I am responsible for getting them from the starting line to the first few steps into the "race"... they are responsible to continue the race and make it to the finish line. If they turn out to really make a mess of their lives, I will be proud that I truly did do my best as a mother to get them on the track. Also, if they screw up, they will hopefully, by me helping them, know how to dig themselves out of a mess they get themselves into. They ARE going to make mistakes, that is a part of growing up and learning, but you will nto find me in their ear telling them they are no good and belittling them. that's not my job. my job is to be there for them and if I can help, help them.
Now, in my home, I make a big deal about accomplishments. My own also. When I finished school and had my graduation last week, it was important for me to have them there. They saw their mother start a program and complete it. How special is that? we celebrated with a dinner. For a few weeks before the graduation I made a big deal about it because I wanted them to be excited and when they were it made me happy. 1. because it showed my kids are understanding success to a certain level 2. because I am their mother and I made them proud and 3. because if mom can do it, they can and should too. When they do something really awesome at school we celebrate in the same way... candy.. McDonalds.. a new book..encouraging words...something. it keeps them interested and wanting to continue to do well.
I will forever be proud of my kids and not be too wound up in my own life to tell them, and genuinely mean it! They do not HAVE to express being proud of me for completing my goals, although it is nice, but it is not their job. It is my job to be their cheerleader. I am so proud of my kids at their little ages. I can not imagine my relationship with them being any different than it is. I have seen them evolve and I like who they are becoming. I tell them often enough so they do not ever have to question my sincerity in that.
It is because of my children that I am actually inspired to be a better person and really go after my goals. they have always been my motivation. always. when i was pregnant with Brody, (wont go into detail because i've written blogs about it) I began my schooling. I remember being pregnant, and going to this gathering at the nursing home, where there were many other applicants for the CNA program. they had about 6 open positions for the class. when I was pulled into the office to meet with the director and teacher, I was asked why they should choose me. I told them the basics (i love helping people, this is what i want to do etc) but then I also told them that if I did not get chosen here, I would go somewhere else because this is what I wanted to do. I was chosen.. pregnant and all, they picked me. I was proud.
Since then, i have been in school just trying to become a nurse. Between schooling and moving with the military, being young... I had these two babies ad there was just no option for me other than to make something of myself because one day they would need things, and get more expensive. school was never on the top of my priorities, but when i because pregnant, it shot up. It isn't for everyone, that is ok, but it was for me. Now, I am still not an RN yet, I will be an LPN after i pass more boards.. do you think i am going to stop here? hell no ;)
It is all because of my children. (and of course an amazing husband helps!!)
Being a mother is a privilege and I love it. I am taking advantage of it. when my kids were babies, I specifically remember rocking them and even though they were asleep, just looking at them, touching their hair, their little hands etc.. and saying to myself that I was going to take in every moment right there because as everyone told me, they grow up fast, and they REALLY did! god, so fast! I am glad I was fortunate enough to balance work and being a mother to them. I am glad i took int hose moments. I have no regrets... no "I wish I spent more time" nothing. because I lived in the moment and did it.
I promise, if you let them, your children have an amazing power over you... i feel like I have superpowers just being around them lol! sounds a little crazy but really...
With my children, and my husband who is my best friend, and of course god, I CAN do anything, and I have. I encourage any other mother out there... if you haven't taken advantage of the "now" do it. hopefully some of my theories and way of parenting, and how I feel about my kids have made you think.. it is never too late to change your relationship with your children with some work..
I am no perfect mother, but I am a damn good one. I am open to constructive criticism as well as comments, suggestions. It really does take a village to raise kids... I take advantage of my resources. Children are all different. I know my kids, I learned what they need from a mother...and construct my parenting around that.
I love to write, (and talk!) and sometimes I write these things on a whim. Sometimes there is no one in my immediate path to discuss these things with, so I blog. I am no professional, just a mom with experience :) still learning as I go!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Military and college, motherhood, etc...
The beginning of this blog will be dedicated to the issue I have been having for the last 2 years, with focus on the last year. so skip ahead to the paragraph beginning "As a navy wife, I have learned to be my own advocate." if you get bored :)and as always, i apologize in advance for the typos (i corrected some then got bored HA!) ..as well as the poor punctuation etc..This is a blog..imperfect..not to be handed in and graded..so im being a lazy pants ;P
Here is the cut down version, but with as much important detail as possible. I've been trying to complete nursing school for what i consider to be a very long time once you figure pre-requisites and such. The first school i went to in FL not so great.. but i do believe it could have been great...ive seen that school work out for others. i believe had we had a better teacher it would've been a better experience! the second school was in SC and this is really where the story begins...I will mention no names here. I am a go getter. i have so many classes under my belt i lost track of how many credit hours i have. its a bit depressing actually lol!! and trying to apply them to a degree.
Anyhow.. I did a ton of research on schools in the area we would be moving to and of course i was extremely limited! (pretty much one school ha!) so i took the chance and went for it. before we moved i drove 3 hours just to take a test to get into this school, then 3 hours home again. mind you, my kids were just babies then. this was so important to me though. So, fast forward to our moving to SC. school starts and i fill out all my paper work and im ready to go. i lasted about a week.. maybe a day or so more before i found myself withdrawing yet AGAIN! it was one of the heart breaking days of my life i dont think ill forget. i felt like such a failure. well, turns out i did not gt an important updated email about my clinical site. these days technology is the number one way to communicate with people. previously, my teacher told me my clinical site would be at place "A" most likely.. i never heard an update so i figured ok.. im good to go. well, the following day or so im asked why i was not at clinical. she had sent out an email blah blah blah. well, a day or so later i had to withdraw because i missed that clinical day. it SUCKED! i went to class like any normal day, then i was pulled out and told the bad news. i told them i never received an email and maybe they should check their old emails they sent because this also happened where they emailed out a hand out for class that i also never had gotten.
so anyways, i was told if i withdrew that day, id be within the allotted add/drop time and not owe the school any money. through my tears and pretty much begging for another chance, i signed the paper to withdraw. the next day or maybe even that day, i was online busting my ass looking for other nursing schools. we found out we would be moving to California so i looked up schools,made phone calls, and had a huge folder full of info for schools. i applied to about 3 local colleges, sent transcripts etc.. then found gurnick academy for LPN. not my first choice but because we would only be in CA for 2 years, it may be my only option that would pretty much guarantee id be done in time. so i took that and ran with it and now im graduated YAY!
ok, back to the story.. so last year i get a letter saying some debt has gone to collections. long story short, the school in SC charged me for a class i never attended. apparently they had sent notices to me but unfortunately, it was being sent to an old address in FL despite me updating it in the office. you have to update your address in the nurses office and the front office, which i did after i found out something was never sent to me by mail.. stupid. anyways... so by the time the bill got to me, i was long gone in California. also, come to find out, my address is still listed in their system as my FL address. when will they learn? i was considered a resident.. you'd of thought something would have gone off in their minds looking at my FL address but yet being a SC resident.. which you had to have in order to get priority to go to their school.
So, i tried calling, emailing, leaving voice messages. so difficult to get a hold of these people. no one gets back to you, and instead of calling you back, they send emails. frustrating when youre trying to deal with something so serious. so here i am today, still fighting this bill. not because we can not pay it, but because i do not owe it. mark has told me "lets just pay the damn thing"...but no. i refuse. enough money is taken out of our hands that we shouldn't have to pay why give in to another business. So, most of you know im a little investigator. i am done with school now so i had a lot of time to look into this matter even more.t urns out i learned several things. finally got a hold of my withdrawal agreement, the syllabus from the year i attend that college, a transcript sent to me from the college last year, a screen shot of a transcript from the colleges website, and several other bits of info like a very important detail... my pharmacology class that im told i have to pay for, DID NOT start until MARCH. i withdrew in JANUARY. i was being charged for this class, however, not the nursing class i had attended for for the few days? hmm. interesting. so despite me going back and forth with the dean, and telling her "i sat down with you and my teacher and was told id have no payment...this would not show up as a withdrawn class on my transcript, it would be as if i never existed at the school" i was told her hands were tied. this was before i got all my paper work together. i sent her an email, called the collecting agency, and their looking into it now :)
As a navy wife, I have learned to be my own advocate. any woman really, but heres why military. We hold so many titles, we are dragged around moving here and there, having to uproot ourselves and our kids, we learn to adjust, sacrifice, have plans A,B,C down to Z... we have to network and learn to play well with others, step out of our comfort zone.. we are really a special breed of people. unless you lived the life, you just really dont know. its nice to know that people try to understand, but you've got to really experience it and several years of it to fully understand. I started this navy life when i was 19 years old and have been going to school since. ive been to so many schools, had to fight to get classes approved, found ways to pay for school because either we made too much money or not enough..etc.. many women have this issue it seems. now, were in a good place. my husbands a chief and im about finished with a few A.A. degrees and my LPN certification...which is GREAT! its a step closer to what ive worked hard for.
IDK how to put it any better other than when shit hits the fan, we become really good advocates for ourselves and our families. we get things done! after years of just having to deal with our husbands changes in work schedules, deployments, etc... we don't have a choice. at first, it can be a bit uncomfortable, for some of us its out of our comfort zone.. but eventually we get there! the successful ones do. this doesn't mean we don't break down now and then... were human, not machines.. so this happens. but we also know how to pick ourselves back up again.
my schooling has been an uphill battle and i refuse to just settle because someone told me this is how it is going to be.
The other thing we learn to be is accepting. this also comes with practice and reassurance. ive seen many many people pass me in my schooling and think "why not me? when will it be my turn? i deserve that too!" not jealousy, but envious, because dammit, i deserve it. friends and classmates... this happens. so happy for them, but i want a piece of the time also. my grammy as ive said in other posts... told me a very important saying that i remind myself of quite a bit. "let go and let god" once you do things fall into place. this has been my motto ever since moving to California. my grammy is such a blessing to me because she reminds me, by these words, that god has a plan for me and it will come when it comes. a long as i help myself, god will help me. it may take me 10 years to get where i want to be, and 3 years for another person to attain that same position, doesn't make either of us better... just means it wasn't what was in my plan for that time. looking back now i can see why nursing didn't work the first time. the second time i tried, that was a blessing because i would've had to stay behind to finish while mark came to CA or left yet another program and tried to transfer and blah blah blah its giving em a headache just thinking about it!!
so.. be your own advocate, have a voice! be accepting of what comes... another motto i have is that i give myself one day to be pissed about something that's it. then i have to be logical and try to find a solution. some days are better than others. practice practice practice!
Here is the cut down version, but with as much important detail as possible. I've been trying to complete nursing school for what i consider to be a very long time once you figure pre-requisites and such. The first school i went to in FL not so great.. but i do believe it could have been great...ive seen that school work out for others. i believe had we had a better teacher it would've been a better experience! the second school was in SC and this is really where the story begins...I will mention no names here. I am a go getter. i have so many classes under my belt i lost track of how many credit hours i have. its a bit depressing actually lol!! and trying to apply them to a degree.
Anyhow.. I did a ton of research on schools in the area we would be moving to and of course i was extremely limited! (pretty much one school ha!) so i took the chance and went for it. before we moved i drove 3 hours just to take a test to get into this school, then 3 hours home again. mind you, my kids were just babies then. this was so important to me though. So, fast forward to our moving to SC. school starts and i fill out all my paper work and im ready to go. i lasted about a week.. maybe a day or so more before i found myself withdrawing yet AGAIN! it was one of the heart breaking days of my life i dont think ill forget. i felt like such a failure. well, turns out i did not gt an important updated email about my clinical site. these days technology is the number one way to communicate with people. previously, my teacher told me my clinical site would be at place "A" most likely.. i never heard an update so i figured ok.. im good to go. well, the following day or so im asked why i was not at clinical. she had sent out an email blah blah blah. well, a day or so later i had to withdraw because i missed that clinical day. it SUCKED! i went to class like any normal day, then i was pulled out and told the bad news. i told them i never received an email and maybe they should check their old emails they sent because this also happened where they emailed out a hand out for class that i also never had gotten.
so anyways, i was told if i withdrew that day, id be within the allotted add/drop time and not owe the school any money. through my tears and pretty much begging for another chance, i signed the paper to withdraw. the next day or maybe even that day, i was online busting my ass looking for other nursing schools. we found out we would be moving to California so i looked up schools,made phone calls, and had a huge folder full of info for schools. i applied to about 3 local colleges, sent transcripts etc.. then found gurnick academy for LPN. not my first choice but because we would only be in CA for 2 years, it may be my only option that would pretty much guarantee id be done in time. so i took that and ran with it and now im graduated YAY!
ok, back to the story.. so last year i get a letter saying some debt has gone to collections. long story short, the school in SC charged me for a class i never attended. apparently they had sent notices to me but unfortunately, it was being sent to an old address in FL despite me updating it in the office. you have to update your address in the nurses office and the front office, which i did after i found out something was never sent to me by mail.. stupid. anyways... so by the time the bill got to me, i was long gone in California. also, come to find out, my address is still listed in their system as my FL address. when will they learn? i was considered a resident.. you'd of thought something would have gone off in their minds looking at my FL address but yet being a SC resident.. which you had to have in order to get priority to go to their school.
So, i tried calling, emailing, leaving voice messages. so difficult to get a hold of these people. no one gets back to you, and instead of calling you back, they send emails. frustrating when youre trying to deal with something so serious. so here i am today, still fighting this bill. not because we can not pay it, but because i do not owe it. mark has told me "lets just pay the damn thing"...but no. i refuse. enough money is taken out of our hands that we shouldn't have to pay why give in to another business. So, most of you know im a little investigator. i am done with school now so i had a lot of time to look into this matter even more.t urns out i learned several things. finally got a hold of my withdrawal agreement, the syllabus from the year i attend that college, a transcript sent to me from the college last year, a screen shot of a transcript from the colleges website, and several other bits of info like a very important detail... my pharmacology class that im told i have to pay for, DID NOT start until MARCH. i withdrew in JANUARY. i was being charged for this class, however, not the nursing class i had attended for for the few days? hmm. interesting. so despite me going back and forth with the dean, and telling her "i sat down with you and my teacher and was told id have no payment...this would not show up as a withdrawn class on my transcript, it would be as if i never existed at the school" i was told her hands were tied. this was before i got all my paper work together. i sent her an email, called the collecting agency, and their looking into it now :)
As a navy wife, I have learned to be my own advocate. any woman really, but heres why military. We hold so many titles, we are dragged around moving here and there, having to uproot ourselves and our kids, we learn to adjust, sacrifice, have plans A,B,C down to Z... we have to network and learn to play well with others, step out of our comfort zone.. we are really a special breed of people. unless you lived the life, you just really dont know. its nice to know that people try to understand, but you've got to really experience it and several years of it to fully understand. I started this navy life when i was 19 years old and have been going to school since. ive been to so many schools, had to fight to get classes approved, found ways to pay for school because either we made too much money or not enough..etc.. many women have this issue it seems. now, were in a good place. my husbands a chief and im about finished with a few A.A. degrees and my LPN certification...which is GREAT! its a step closer to what ive worked hard for.
IDK how to put it any better other than when shit hits the fan, we become really good advocates for ourselves and our families. we get things done! after years of just having to deal with our husbands changes in work schedules, deployments, etc... we don't have a choice. at first, it can be a bit uncomfortable, for some of us its out of our comfort zone.. but eventually we get there! the successful ones do. this doesn't mean we don't break down now and then... were human, not machines.. so this happens. but we also know how to pick ourselves back up again.
my schooling has been an uphill battle and i refuse to just settle because someone told me this is how it is going to be.
The other thing we learn to be is accepting. this also comes with practice and reassurance. ive seen many many people pass me in my schooling and think "why not me? when will it be my turn? i deserve that too!" not jealousy, but envious, because dammit, i deserve it. friends and classmates... this happens. so happy for them, but i want a piece of the time also. my grammy as ive said in other posts... told me a very important saying that i remind myself of quite a bit. "let go and let god" once you do things fall into place. this has been my motto ever since moving to California. my grammy is such a blessing to me because she reminds me, by these words, that god has a plan for me and it will come when it comes. a long as i help myself, god will help me. it may take me 10 years to get where i want to be, and 3 years for another person to attain that same position, doesn't make either of us better... just means it wasn't what was in my plan for that time. looking back now i can see why nursing didn't work the first time. the second time i tried, that was a blessing because i would've had to stay behind to finish while mark came to CA or left yet another program and tried to transfer and blah blah blah its giving em a headache just thinking about it!!
so.. be your own advocate, have a voice! be accepting of what comes... another motto i have is that i give myself one day to be pissed about something that's it. then i have to be logical and try to find a solution. some days are better than others. practice practice practice!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)