I remember my opinion of military kids used to be that they were spoiled. Well, my opinion as to why has changed a little bit.. for some... Dealing with brody and having to move has been a little tough for me just because i know that he is a lot like me and family and good friends is very important to him, however, he is really good at making new friends and adjusting, and he is not shy like i remember myself being. but he is a lot like me, so i know he feels pretty bad about leaving his friends. he has made 2 REALLY good friends here, and even though he is only 5, he cries about having to leave them and pretty much everything HE knows.. i can relate. i had to move to maine when i was 13, then to FL 3 years ago, and i know how much it can hurt leaving everything youve ever known. i know he is just a kid, but brody is different...
SO, i look at spoiling now, as a way to overcompensate i guess. Brody would have been graduating preschool with his friends the first week of june. with mark having to do training, and a few other things, we have to leave earlier. this means everyone else in brodys class talks about graduation and many of the kids will go to kindergarten together, and they get to celebrate. brody isnt going to be able to do those things, and he is a little sad about it. ive been feeling lately like i just want to give him stuff to make him feel better...
military is bitter sweet.. a piece of the bitter end of it is for some kids the ones that like having a best friend (like i did) who they do everything with and grow together and then look back and say 'ive known so and so since i was 4' (like i can)isnt going to happen for brody. for me when i was a kid i LOVED that. granted he will only be about 10 by the time were done with the military but still... right now it makes me feel bad. ill feel better later lol.
the other thing is the sense of belonging. Rhode island is where i was raised, New england is my home, specifically maine, i love going back 'home' home has kind of been more like... wherever the majority of my family is in new england, and im ok with that. for brody, he doesnt have a place where he was raised.. hes just here and there and everywhere. when i talk about home to him, im talking about new england where our family is. idk if he feels that is home to him though, like i do because i was born and raised there.
SO i have planned for brody a birthday party at his school if it is approved, so since he cant graduate with his friends, he can have his very own special moment, focused on him, at school, and this way he wont feel too bad about missing the graduation. also, i keep stressing to him that we can go back home to see our family and that makes him happy. i overcompensate with my love too and feel i have to tell my babies every day, multiple times, what good boys they are and how much i love them etc... i want them to feel ok about this life style. it isnt a bad one, im not particularly comfortable with it, but this is the choice mark and i made and there are a lot of other good things about it too... so we have to work with what we have and eventually we will have a place that is OUR home, where we stay, and the kids wont be too old, and then they can start making good long lasting friendships.
Family is extremely important for me, and that is not just including the people living under my roof..and in a way moving away from them has grown me closer to them than they probably understand unless they leave everyone behind like i did. or unless i mean THAT much to them that they feel equally as close to me. I come off as a nut sometimes, i know, and emotional, but that is because i do care so much about them and time and life is precious. i dont want the people i love to ever wonder if i do care about them because im very open about my love for them :) its important if you love someone to tell them because as cliche as it sounds, you never know if something could happen.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
'I suffer'.. really?
i rememebr as a kid and still, hearing my mother say 'i suffer from anxiety and depression.' SUFFER....
Ill never forget the first time i had my first anxiety attack, and then panic attacks later. whata horrible horrible feeling. not ust the physical feeling syou get in the moment, but the fear of having those feelings and consuming your life.
For a while, i allowed myself to suffer from my anxietya nd it held me back from doing quite a bit. unfortunately. i was pretty good at hiding my anxiety though of learning rituals to control my anxiety/panic if i was in public. i learned my triggers and AVOIDED them... by avoid, i mean, taking a cab home from school early to avoid taking the bus and risking having a panic attach adn people knowing, switching classes because of my anxiety when i started to date... i mean i could go on and on about how i 'controlled' this thing.
WELL things have changed over the years and instead of 'suffering' i refused to let that control me and what i do. i have 1 life, and so much i would want to do except i feared that anxiety and it being noticed by others.
To help myself, after highschool i started to really work on fixing this problem and facing my fears. in HS you would NOT get me to talk in front of the class.. oh no.. that was pretty much my number 1 fear and the thought of that made me panic. but i didnt want this to set me back...
to makea long story short... i startd small... volunteering was easier than being picked on in class, so i would volunteer to share my answers. at first it was aweful. id have a bottle of water... it ws cold, so i could use it to hold to distract myself from feeling hot and liek i was going to pass out... 'focus on the cold bottle and say what i have to say' ok.. tht went ok..
where i sat in class was important... i didnt want to see every face in the class, so the very back wasnt too good, adn the middle wasnt either, somewhere on the side... that was comfortable for me...
i cant possibly get into all the things i did, but you get the idea...
eventually, i did have to use medication to help me learn to deal with this. i was on medicine for a few months and used it as a tool, not something to stay on for the rest of my life and that worked really well!
then in 2005 i was in school again and pregnant, and then i had brody etc...
i made myself talk to people in my class, found a few decent people i could be friends with, made myself do presentations... it wasnt too hard becuase it was like i was talking in front of my friends. i discussed topics that were important to me, and educated myself well on the material...
then i had to take a communications class.. i HAD to do it for my MA program.. so i decided to get it out of the way... volunteered lol. this is where i got the most experience and really started to get even better. i cried the first speach i gave. mostly because it was a sad topic about deatha dn the first person i had to care for that died. im emotional and i could deal with my emotions ok, and if i did cry, it released more tention over just being scared to talk to people.. so i was ok with that. didnt think id actully cry until i got up there though... but i did... that connected me to the people in my class though.. much like when you first meet someone and you get into your first dissagreement witht hem or something... it brings you closer.. or when they tell yo something personal for the first time, you step into anothe rlevel in the friendship...
that is how i felt from that day on with those classmates. i heard some really detailed, personal info from them in their speaches also. at first, we could use the podium to hid behind, then we couldnt. i was ok with that as i got more comfotable. i started talking about other things important to me, i brought in my art to show them, and at the time, gardasil came out adn i had strong opinions about that, i was knowledgeable about it, so i felt very comfortable talking about that...
well since then my anxiety has been embraced and its no secret.. which is great!
i use my anxiety as a tool instead of saying i have this poor me... it is i have this and yeah its apart of me but it doesnt consume me.
we all have something literally noone is perfect thats great! lol.. i think as a teenager though it is more difficult to deal with just because the fear we have of others opinions of us once they know... they may think we are a freak or someting. i could care less today, but back then it was unspoken of! the older i get the more open people are to talk to me about their own problems.. people you wouldve thought in highschool who had it together, have problems too... go figure lol. so many people have anxiety of different levels, different triggers etc...
i havent had too many panic attacks since ive acknowledged this and shared it with people.. i dont make it the topic of choice when i first meet anyone lol, but eventually it comes up at some point... i usually have just anxiety and not panic attacks like i used to.
my anxiety has changed over the years where as before it was more social, now its more about my kids.. but its controlabe and im ok. like anything else we learn, it takes practice to become good at controlling it.
it is just anxiety, im not suffering, in pain, i have all my limbs, my health is good..etc.. im NOT suffereing!
Ill never forget the first time i had my first anxiety attack, and then panic attacks later. whata horrible horrible feeling. not ust the physical feeling syou get in the moment, but the fear of having those feelings and consuming your life.
For a while, i allowed myself to suffer from my anxietya nd it held me back from doing quite a bit. unfortunately. i was pretty good at hiding my anxiety though of learning rituals to control my anxiety/panic if i was in public. i learned my triggers and AVOIDED them... by avoid, i mean, taking a cab home from school early to avoid taking the bus and risking having a panic attach adn people knowing, switching classes because of my anxiety when i started to date... i mean i could go on and on about how i 'controlled' this thing.
WELL things have changed over the years and instead of 'suffering' i refused to let that control me and what i do. i have 1 life, and so much i would want to do except i feared that anxiety and it being noticed by others.
To help myself, after highschool i started to really work on fixing this problem and facing my fears. in HS you would NOT get me to talk in front of the class.. oh no.. that was pretty much my number 1 fear and the thought of that made me panic. but i didnt want this to set me back...
to makea long story short... i startd small... volunteering was easier than being picked on in class, so i would volunteer to share my answers. at first it was aweful. id have a bottle of water... it ws cold, so i could use it to hold to distract myself from feeling hot and liek i was going to pass out... 'focus on the cold bottle and say what i have to say' ok.. tht went ok..
where i sat in class was important... i didnt want to see every face in the class, so the very back wasnt too good, adn the middle wasnt either, somewhere on the side... that was comfortable for me...
i cant possibly get into all the things i did, but you get the idea...
eventually, i did have to use medication to help me learn to deal with this. i was on medicine for a few months and used it as a tool, not something to stay on for the rest of my life and that worked really well!
then in 2005 i was in school again and pregnant, and then i had brody etc...
i made myself talk to people in my class, found a few decent people i could be friends with, made myself do presentations... it wasnt too hard becuase it was like i was talking in front of my friends. i discussed topics that were important to me, and educated myself well on the material...
then i had to take a communications class.. i HAD to do it for my MA program.. so i decided to get it out of the way... volunteered lol. this is where i got the most experience and really started to get even better. i cried the first speach i gave. mostly because it was a sad topic about deatha dn the first person i had to care for that died. im emotional and i could deal with my emotions ok, and if i did cry, it released more tention over just being scared to talk to people.. so i was ok with that. didnt think id actully cry until i got up there though... but i did... that connected me to the people in my class though.. much like when you first meet someone and you get into your first dissagreement witht hem or something... it brings you closer.. or when they tell yo something personal for the first time, you step into anothe rlevel in the friendship...
that is how i felt from that day on with those classmates. i heard some really detailed, personal info from them in their speaches also. at first, we could use the podium to hid behind, then we couldnt. i was ok with that as i got more comfotable. i started talking about other things important to me, i brought in my art to show them, and at the time, gardasil came out adn i had strong opinions about that, i was knowledgeable about it, so i felt very comfortable talking about that...
well since then my anxiety has been embraced and its no secret.. which is great!
i use my anxiety as a tool instead of saying i have this poor me... it is i have this and yeah its apart of me but it doesnt consume me.
we all have something literally noone is perfect thats great! lol.. i think as a teenager though it is more difficult to deal with just because the fear we have of others opinions of us once they know... they may think we are a freak or someting. i could care less today, but back then it was unspoken of! the older i get the more open people are to talk to me about their own problems.. people you wouldve thought in highschool who had it together, have problems too... go figure lol. so many people have anxiety of different levels, different triggers etc...
i havent had too many panic attacks since ive acknowledged this and shared it with people.. i dont make it the topic of choice when i first meet anyone lol, but eventually it comes up at some point... i usually have just anxiety and not panic attacks like i used to.
my anxiety has changed over the years where as before it was more social, now its more about my kids.. but its controlabe and im ok. like anything else we learn, it takes practice to become good at controlling it.
it is just anxiety, im not suffering, in pain, i have all my limbs, my health is good..etc.. im NOT suffereing!
what the 1950's has taught me...hehehe
I always feel like i dont belong in this time error. there is too much pain in families and individual people, many men i know unfortunately dont meet the standard of being great fathers and providing for their families, kids are so disrespectfu... people generally make life difficult for themselves these days.
Although i could not see myself conforming to certain ideas in the 1950's, like staying home with the kids for the rest of my life lol, the basic family traditions are what i wish everyone could experience today. To me, i love to cook and sit down together at the table adn eat, adn talk about our day, and everyone cleans up their own plates. my little boys at age 2 and 4 are taught certain things like the importance of earning... discipline, respecting adults, loving and depending on each other, contributing to the house by cleaning and letting the dogs outside etc... these are important things i feel that will set them up for success as adults. our society today is lazy. for our little boys today, what kind of men will they be tomorrow if they are not taught certain things at kids. they are someday going to be fathers most likely. we want great husbands adn fathers for our future some day.
My husband is excellent, not flawless lol, but he is perfect. i couldnt have asked for a better man. maybe this is because his parents are older and taught him from the beginning some of the things i mentioned. his mother is going to be 70 in december. one of the things i find funny is when mark and i first dated adn still toay actually, he always tried to open the door for me. well, i wasnt used to that and i never gave him the chance to get to the door before me.. to make a long story short, his mother taught him to hold the door open for her and it was just natural for mark to do the same for me. simple things like this i feel are worth the extra effort to teach our kids as parents.
brody holds the door open for me. i guess mark rubbed off on me a little bit lol. i dont make him, but now and then he does and he will hold it open for others too. its just a really kind act. it makes me feel happy too, to see a little old lady smile because a young boy held the door open for her. shes not used to that bahavior from the young kids these days.
I teach brody at this little age, how to respect women. i grew up in a home where that wasnt seen too often and it is very important. Brody and ethan used to pick flowers in the front of our house and take them to school for their teachers. when brody liked a little girl he brought her a flower. this is one of the many many things i teach my kids. While they are little and i have control of them i want them to get so used to the idea of being this way to females (elders, family etc..)that is just becomes second nature. i also teach them not to be walked all over too lol. to protect themselves, that just because they are good litlte men, doesnt mean they dont deserve respect also. if they dont like the way someone is treating them, i teach them to voice that and work out their problem instead of running from it.
Something else that i feel is important is the stress of loving your siblings even if you dont like them. it hurt me when i heard brody say to ethan 'your not my brother anymore'. it hurt because i have seen the fights my brothers used to get into, i know THAT is inevitable lol, but as adults, my brothers arent all super close, they probably arent too confident that they could totally rely on the other... some of this is because the way they treated each other in the past. while i can control my boys, like i said earlier, i want to teach them to grow together and love each other... be a support system for each other. there should never be anything that makes them never want to be close or talk to each other when they are adults.. so lets never do anything to hurt each other that badly. its too easy these days, in my own family anyways, for people to just shut off and not talk to months or even years and it is too too bad. but thats another blog topic :)
Although i could not see myself conforming to certain ideas in the 1950's, like staying home with the kids for the rest of my life lol, the basic family traditions are what i wish everyone could experience today. To me, i love to cook and sit down together at the table adn eat, adn talk about our day, and everyone cleans up their own plates. my little boys at age 2 and 4 are taught certain things like the importance of earning... discipline, respecting adults, loving and depending on each other, contributing to the house by cleaning and letting the dogs outside etc... these are important things i feel that will set them up for success as adults. our society today is lazy. for our little boys today, what kind of men will they be tomorrow if they are not taught certain things at kids. they are someday going to be fathers most likely. we want great husbands adn fathers for our future some day.
My husband is excellent, not flawless lol, but he is perfect. i couldnt have asked for a better man. maybe this is because his parents are older and taught him from the beginning some of the things i mentioned. his mother is going to be 70 in december. one of the things i find funny is when mark and i first dated adn still toay actually, he always tried to open the door for me. well, i wasnt used to that and i never gave him the chance to get to the door before me.. to make a long story short, his mother taught him to hold the door open for her and it was just natural for mark to do the same for me. simple things like this i feel are worth the extra effort to teach our kids as parents.
brody holds the door open for me. i guess mark rubbed off on me a little bit lol. i dont make him, but now and then he does and he will hold it open for others too. its just a really kind act. it makes me feel happy too, to see a little old lady smile because a young boy held the door open for her. shes not used to that bahavior from the young kids these days.
I teach brody at this little age, how to respect women. i grew up in a home where that wasnt seen too often and it is very important. Brody and ethan used to pick flowers in the front of our house and take them to school for their teachers. when brody liked a little girl he brought her a flower. this is one of the many many things i teach my kids. While they are little and i have control of them i want them to get so used to the idea of being this way to females (elders, family etc..)that is just becomes second nature. i also teach them not to be walked all over too lol. to protect themselves, that just because they are good litlte men, doesnt mean they dont deserve respect also. if they dont like the way someone is treating them, i teach them to voice that and work out their problem instead of running from it.
Something else that i feel is important is the stress of loving your siblings even if you dont like them. it hurt me when i heard brody say to ethan 'your not my brother anymore'. it hurt because i have seen the fights my brothers used to get into, i know THAT is inevitable lol, but as adults, my brothers arent all super close, they probably arent too confident that they could totally rely on the other... some of this is because the way they treated each other in the past. while i can control my boys, like i said earlier, i want to teach them to grow together and love each other... be a support system for each other. there should never be anything that makes them never want to be close or talk to each other when they are adults.. so lets never do anything to hurt each other that badly. its too easy these days, in my own family anyways, for people to just shut off and not talk to months or even years and it is too too bad. but thats another blog topic :)
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