I have had a connection to them since i was about 9 when my nanibob passed away. nani bob was my step-grandmother. this is when i really remember loving them. she had pins with butterflies and necklaces..she loved them too. she wasnt supposed to die, and when she did it really effected me. i was just a young kid and its not easy to explain suicide to someone. that was the explanation of the way she went out.
now i remember nanibob as a woman with a lot of presence. she worked with her church, loved god, read her bible (which i now have) loved us kids as her own family, she did sign language and worked with children who were deaf...i remember she had a book about learning sign language and i used it to help me learn a few words...and also the alphabet. i guess i kind of looked up to her. so her passing really broke my heart. i still have a note she wrote to me when i first started 4th grade. it was on a paper pad in my trapper keeper (remember those? lol) its the last paper i have on that pad... i just always saved it. she meant a lot to me and that note that someone really took the time to write to me and it be a suprise for when i got to school really meant a lot to me (a little side conversation here...kinda sad, but you know how you see in movies moms putting notes in kids lunches? well, i thought they really did that. i got a hot lunch usually and on a field trip i had to bring a cold lunch so i made my own lunch and wrote a note to myself as if it came from my mom. it said something like "i love you" on it ...something short lol.) a little over a month after i started school that year is when she passed. i had her bedroom set, her little end table, her bible as i said, a necklace of hers with a "B" on it, and i still have one of her butterfly pins thats on my dresser now. guess you can say a few people have walked in and out of my life...and i get attached and she was certainly one ive attached myself to. im an emotional person as it is and sometimes people dont even realize their "walking out" on me im sure.... i cant even really define it as them walking out....its just natural that people part ways but im not always ready for that. but there were a few that really did walk out, pop in, etc... and it hurt me. so her dying really hurt.
so anyways... the butterfly became my thing. they also remind me of my great gradmother helen. she liked to garden and was the perfect little nana you could think of...cooking, baking, feeding you when you come to visit, sharing her recipes with me, she was very very good to me. her and i had a connection whenever my mom and i went to her house, there was 4 generations of women sitting there...me, my mom, my grandmother ginny, and my great grandmother helen. my mom and nana ginny could TAAAAAAALLLLLKKK and it could get loud! its just the way they are. my grandmothers thought i was just so quiet...which i kind of was...but...not really! i think they were just so loud i just ...stayed quiet lol. me and my great grandmother were the quiet ones. after hearing the other two go on for a while, she would offer me a diet coke and some cookies from her little cabinet next to her little kitchen that no more than 2 people could fit in.
nana helens favorite color was yellow. so when i see a yellow butterfly, it makes me think of her.
now my boys... my love for butterflies really developed over the years and i got 2 tattoos of them on my back. if it were up to me, id have about 15 more butterflies somehow, in different ways tattooed on me. (in trees...realistic ones, black shadow looking ones... flying up my side...) i just absolutely love them. so the tattoos i got are for my boys. i chose them on my back/shoulder blade because my boys will always have my back. (i hope) so i thought it was an appropriate place. i have a blue and pink one for brody, and a green and purple one for ethan. (blue and green the color of their eyes, and pink and purple are my favorite colors) i just didnt want to put names all over my body. thought the butterflies was more me.
so.. im sad to say i didnt get to go, but wouldnt you know it that there was a butterfly house in FL close to where we moved?? im not sure why i never went... did they have weird hours or something? i cant remember. i know it was a little bit of a drive. but i wish i went!! then we moved to sc and down town they had a butterfly shop. i was in heaven! the owner was super nice and i would take the kids in there now and then even if it was just to say hello and gain some knowledge from the guy. he once showed us a really fat caterpillar that someone brought into him. he kept it in hopes it would turn to a butterfly. then he also showed us a few other caterpillars.... one in particular that i remember is this one that was hairy and when you pet it, it let out this awful stink! it was its defense mechanism against prey. pretty neat! unfortunately, that place closed and i think turned into a clothing store or something. bummer! that was such a neat little place.
now i have butterflies on the walls in my room and a painting i did of butterflies, i put a few on garden pots outside. have a few pieces of jewelry.... i just love them :) (and now lady bugs also!!! so cute!!)
so anyhow.. thats where it all started and led to. not even sure what led me to decide to blog about this, but i was looking at some things on pin terest with butterflies on them and kind of got lost in it.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
rant about LEMOORE OOooOOo :) Its not THAT bad!! Just read it!
because i want to vent.. or piss someone off.. whichever way you wanna take it.. heres my outlook on the "LEMOORE CA SUX" case... (and if you're tired of reading or annoyed with me, or think im a depressing fool, skip to the 2nd to last paragraph for some much nicer commentary... although, if you read the garbage in between here and there, you maaaaayyyy consider something that maybe you haven't before. idk. maybe not! :) )
I really admire anyone that can adapt to change well and handle being away from family and friends they've known forever, and go through their every day life being completely content with the situation they are in. but that is certainly not me.. or it wasn't anyways... ive come a long long way with adapting to this.
most people i have met in the military, haven't traveled too far from where they consider home. That, or they don't mind moving around, or they are not close to their family, or some other excuse. i wasn't like that at all and to some extent im still not. im just really really good at convincing myself that this is what it is and to find the positive in where im at in life.
At first, this was so hard to do. you can go back and read my earlier blogs if you want to. i was only 19 when i married mark and a little immature and it took some time for me to realize i was going to move away from my family and it could be really far away, and i didn't realize just how little control we actually had over picking orders. i met mark and once i discovered i actually really liked him lol, i fell in love with the idea of having a family with him and being married.
i was just starting to figure out life at 19... like most 19 year olds do.
so anyways... florida was our first big move. i tried to keep the family and married life in with the military life which is actually pretty challenging. ive met spouses who either choose one or the other, fail at combining both, or end up having to be away from their husbands for sometimes years at a time... i do NOT know how they keep that working, but man i admire that they can do it!!
for me, i didn't grow up in a house with a picket white fence and even a clue as to how i was going to go to school and raise my family and etc..etc... i can go on... my parents were divorced, each married a few times (lol) etc..etc... so after high school i pretty much just jumped into everything, with advice from people who didn't have a clue themselves as to how to keep a family together, how the military life worked...how to get ready for college and be successful. most people i know only accomplish one of those things or try to do multiple and one thing just not working out...
i was determined to do it all.. and i did and am still doing it. (going to college since 2002 with hardly any time off, raising 2 boys who are only 2 years apart, having my dogs, keeping life as normal as possible, but also moving with the military and dealing with that side of life too) i want it all and im so determined to have it all.. my life just the way i want it. despite the bumps in the road and no matter how long it takes.
so anyways... like most things, we didn't get to choose to come to lemoore. not even close. the exact opposite.t he entire squadron moved here.. mind you, we have a house we own in Florida, and chose orders to SC...which we thought we would be there for 3 years. nope. just a few months after getting to SC we were told we had to move to lemoore. LEMOORE? WHERE the frig is that??? WELL... ya see, its this little place on the west coast that i was told no one likes to go to.. and after moving here i CAN see why. this place is very different from anything ive ever seen. yes we wives try to make the best of it, and try not to complain but were human and sometimes we confide in people we think are our friends.. that we can complaint o..and other times, we just have a really bad day and bitch and moan about this "hell hole" until everyone and their grannies have heard us... and other days were like.."ya know.. this place isn't too bad.. its safe, the weathers good" etc...
believe me, i have days like this all the time.
surprisingly, one thing i have NOT done since being here, was CRIED about being here. i thought i would fall apart. i felt physically ill at the thought of being away from the east coast or the gulf. i tend to be somewhat dramatic sometimes. im not oblivious to this. i try to be tough but truth is, i miss my family and if i could be anywhere in the world it'd be Italy. I mean.. with my family in new england :D seriously.. it'd be with my family.
SO next time if you're tired of hearing about someone complain about lemoore... look at the big picture.. maybe its not even that its lemoroe..maybe that its that the person has no connection to this place or anything like it.. maybe its that their home sick, maybe their having a bad day.. maybe they could use a girl friend who doesn't mind being here to show them some cool things around here... maybe they need a drink or some xanax..idk.. but its perfectly normal to complain about a place you don't want to be in.
now i get that there are people who just bitch n bitch n bitch about being in a place like this... but i really haven't seen that. i haven't met anyone that is not tolerable to be around.. someone that constantly brings up hating living here and cant hold a conversation about anything else.
and i highly doubt that anyone is dogging your home town if you are from here...just to be a jerk. for me, when im annoyed with this place (and the flies! the cow poop smell! the heat! the terrible air quality! the bad school systems...you get my point!) im not saying people from here are bastards and this place should fall off into the ocean.. im saying this place is NOT for me.
so..what do we want to spouses that are here to do? leave their husbands? go back home? people say "make the best of it' which is just not that easy for some people to do. and for others, it takes time.
I guess my suggestions to the people who say "stop complaining and make the best of it" is that consider who you're talking to, where they came from, what their life was like before, if this is their first major move, if maybe they're depressed, and if you cant help them out then just don't bother with them. there's nothing wrong with not being friends with someone especially if their bringing you down and the truth is..maybe that person doesn't even know their complaining too much to you ..
i could go on and on :) but you don't want me to now do you? you have probably actually stopped reading this especially if you were just wanting to see what i was going to blog about but got tired of reading the complaints and suggestions...
now after all that has been said, i don't mind here here TOO much... for 2 years, its do able for me. i mean aside from all the shit i mentioned earlier that i could care less for about being here, its not THAT bad... will i miss being here after i leave? HELLLLLL no.. but i will miss being close to cool places like san fran and LA and las vegas and stuff.
some places we move to we fight tooth and nail not to go, then we get there and love it and wish we didn't have to leave so soon (this was pensacola for me) other places we cant wait to leave.. ya know we just gotta roll with it. i believe that a good military spouse will have anothers back and suggest things to do and places to go. ive been really lucky to have met a person or two like that. if it wasn't for the few ladies ive met here that have helped me out a little, ill tell ya i think id cry a lot more and feel really stuck here. im so thankful for the cool chicks ive met that have really made this place more tolerable. im excited to go to LA for the first time here soon, and im excited to try out new wines and head to the wineries! my gardening skills have REALLY improved since being in a place like this...and i have learned more ways to kill flies than i ever knew of before ;P im a pretty positive person, but even the most positive people need to lean on someone else once in a while...
and on that corny note.. THE END! <3
I really admire anyone that can adapt to change well and handle being away from family and friends they've known forever, and go through their every day life being completely content with the situation they are in. but that is certainly not me.. or it wasn't anyways... ive come a long long way with adapting to this.
most people i have met in the military, haven't traveled too far from where they consider home. That, or they don't mind moving around, or they are not close to their family, or some other excuse. i wasn't like that at all and to some extent im still not. im just really really good at convincing myself that this is what it is and to find the positive in where im at in life.
At first, this was so hard to do. you can go back and read my earlier blogs if you want to. i was only 19 when i married mark and a little immature and it took some time for me to realize i was going to move away from my family and it could be really far away, and i didn't realize just how little control we actually had over picking orders. i met mark and once i discovered i actually really liked him lol, i fell in love with the idea of having a family with him and being married.
i was just starting to figure out life at 19... like most 19 year olds do.
so anyways... florida was our first big move. i tried to keep the family and married life in with the military life which is actually pretty challenging. ive met spouses who either choose one or the other, fail at combining both, or end up having to be away from their husbands for sometimes years at a time... i do NOT know how they keep that working, but man i admire that they can do it!!
for me, i didn't grow up in a house with a picket white fence and even a clue as to how i was going to go to school and raise my family and etc..etc... i can go on... my parents were divorced, each married a few times (lol) etc..etc... so after high school i pretty much just jumped into everything, with advice from people who didn't have a clue themselves as to how to keep a family together, how the military life worked...how to get ready for college and be successful. most people i know only accomplish one of those things or try to do multiple and one thing just not working out...
i was determined to do it all.. and i did and am still doing it. (going to college since 2002 with hardly any time off, raising 2 boys who are only 2 years apart, having my dogs, keeping life as normal as possible, but also moving with the military and dealing with that side of life too) i want it all and im so determined to have it all.. my life just the way i want it. despite the bumps in the road and no matter how long it takes.
so anyways... like most things, we didn't get to choose to come to lemoore. not even close. the exact opposite.t he entire squadron moved here.. mind you, we have a house we own in Florida, and chose orders to SC...which we thought we would be there for 3 years. nope. just a few months after getting to SC we were told we had to move to lemoore. LEMOORE? WHERE the frig is that??? WELL... ya see, its this little place on the west coast that i was told no one likes to go to.. and after moving here i CAN see why. this place is very different from anything ive ever seen. yes we wives try to make the best of it, and try not to complain but were human and sometimes we confide in people we think are our friends.. that we can complaint o..and other times, we just have a really bad day and bitch and moan about this "hell hole" until everyone and their grannies have heard us... and other days were like.."ya know.. this place isn't too bad.. its safe, the weathers good" etc...
believe me, i have days like this all the time.
surprisingly, one thing i have NOT done since being here, was CRIED about being here. i thought i would fall apart. i felt physically ill at the thought of being away from the east coast or the gulf. i tend to be somewhat dramatic sometimes. im not oblivious to this. i try to be tough but truth is, i miss my family and if i could be anywhere in the world it'd be Italy. I mean.. with my family in new england :D seriously.. it'd be with my family.
SO next time if you're tired of hearing about someone complain about lemoore... look at the big picture.. maybe its not even that its lemoroe..maybe that its that the person has no connection to this place or anything like it.. maybe its that their home sick, maybe their having a bad day.. maybe they could use a girl friend who doesn't mind being here to show them some cool things around here... maybe they need a drink or some xanax..idk.. but its perfectly normal to complain about a place you don't want to be in.
now i get that there are people who just bitch n bitch n bitch about being in a place like this... but i really haven't seen that. i haven't met anyone that is not tolerable to be around.. someone that constantly brings up hating living here and cant hold a conversation about anything else.
and i highly doubt that anyone is dogging your home town if you are from here...just to be a jerk. for me, when im annoyed with this place (and the flies! the cow poop smell! the heat! the terrible air quality! the bad school systems...you get my point!) im not saying people from here are bastards and this place should fall off into the ocean.. im saying this place is NOT for me.
so..what do we want to spouses that are here to do? leave their husbands? go back home? people say "make the best of it' which is just not that easy for some people to do. and for others, it takes time.
I guess my suggestions to the people who say "stop complaining and make the best of it" is that consider who you're talking to, where they came from, what their life was like before, if this is their first major move, if maybe they're depressed, and if you cant help them out then just don't bother with them. there's nothing wrong with not being friends with someone especially if their bringing you down and the truth is..maybe that person doesn't even know their complaining too much to you ..
i could go on and on :) but you don't want me to now do you? you have probably actually stopped reading this especially if you were just wanting to see what i was going to blog about but got tired of reading the complaints and suggestions...
now after all that has been said, i don't mind here here TOO much... for 2 years, its do able for me. i mean aside from all the shit i mentioned earlier that i could care less for about being here, its not THAT bad... will i miss being here after i leave? HELLLLLL no.. but i will miss being close to cool places like san fran and LA and las vegas and stuff.
some places we move to we fight tooth and nail not to go, then we get there and love it and wish we didn't have to leave so soon (this was pensacola for me) other places we cant wait to leave.. ya know we just gotta roll with it. i believe that a good military spouse will have anothers back and suggest things to do and places to go. ive been really lucky to have met a person or two like that. if it wasn't for the few ladies ive met here that have helped me out a little, ill tell ya i think id cry a lot more and feel really stuck here. im so thankful for the cool chicks ive met that have really made this place more tolerable. im excited to go to LA for the first time here soon, and im excited to try out new wines and head to the wineries! my gardening skills have REALLY improved since being in a place like this...and i have learned more ways to kill flies than i ever knew of before ;P im a pretty positive person, but even the most positive people need to lean on someone else once in a while...
and on that corny note.. THE END! <3
Friday, March 9, 2012
You know you're a couponing junkie when...
not all of these apply to me, however, just noticing some friends are starting to really take off with the couponing and with all these tv shows, thought it'd be funk to do a finish the sentence kind of thing...
You know youre a couponing junkie when:
1. you're excited about someone elses savings
2. ..if the kids are starving youll tell them to wait a minute so you can finish watching Dr phil or whatever is on, but if you get an email notification on your cell phone for new printable coupons your ass is flying off that couch to go print off your coupons!
3. you wake up at 7:30am and start your computer to search for the latest coupon deals... before getting your coffee, before getting your kids ready for school...
4. a trip alone to the grocery store so you can 'focus' has become more appealing to you than a date night out with your spouse.
5. you have a stock pile of 50 bottles of K.Y. jelly but you're not having sex because you're too busy looking for coupons.
6. you'll drive 20 minutes to get the latest deals at cvs but a 5 minute drive to get your husbands dry cleaning is a hassle.
7. you're thinking right now, about looking for a coupon as soon as you're done reading this.
8. you'll let a call go to voice mail if its your mother but if a friend calls about a coupon she just found that you HAVE to get, you'll answer it.
9. You've spent time convincing your child, in the grocery store, that they don't want a particular cereal, that they should get this other brand because you have a coupon for it.
10. You've managed to convince your husband to switch brands of body wash/deoderant that hes been using since before you met each other, because you dont have a coupon for that brand.
11. you'll spend 2 hours looking for a good coupon but complain when you have to fold the laundry because it takes too long.
12. The house is stocked with food from all the purchases you made with your coupons, but you go to mcdonalds for dinner because you're too exhausted to cook after the major shopping trip you just did.
13. you get mad at your husband for buying shaving cream after he ran out so you tell him he should have consulted with you first to see if you had a coupon for it! which you did!
You know youre a couponing junkie when:
1. you're excited about someone elses savings
2. ..if the kids are starving youll tell them to wait a minute so you can finish watching Dr phil or whatever is on, but if you get an email notification on your cell phone for new printable coupons your ass is flying off that couch to go print off your coupons!
3. you wake up at 7:30am and start your computer to search for the latest coupon deals... before getting your coffee, before getting your kids ready for school...
4. a trip alone to the grocery store so you can 'focus' has become more appealing to you than a date night out with your spouse.
5. you have a stock pile of 50 bottles of K.Y. jelly but you're not having sex because you're too busy looking for coupons.
6. you'll drive 20 minutes to get the latest deals at cvs but a 5 minute drive to get your husbands dry cleaning is a hassle.
7. you're thinking right now, about looking for a coupon as soon as you're done reading this.
8. you'll let a call go to voice mail if its your mother but if a friend calls about a coupon she just found that you HAVE to get, you'll answer it.
9. You've spent time convincing your child, in the grocery store, that they don't want a particular cereal, that they should get this other brand because you have a coupon for it.
10. You've managed to convince your husband to switch brands of body wash/deoderant that hes been using since before you met each other, because you dont have a coupon for that brand.
11. you'll spend 2 hours looking for a good coupon but complain when you have to fold the laundry because it takes too long.
12. The house is stocked with food from all the purchases you made with your coupons, but you go to mcdonalds for dinner because you're too exhausted to cook after the major shopping trip you just did.
13. you get mad at your husband for buying shaving cream after he ran out so you tell him he should have consulted with you first to see if you had a coupon for it! which you did!
Friday, March 2, 2012
the simplest things
For the last maybe 4 days ive been really kind of obsessing about life and my appreciation for mine and what i have and who i have in it. As some know, ive been following the journal of a family whose son had a horrible car accident back in November. I knew him from church when i was a teenager. Once in a while a situation comes along unexpectedly and kind of knocks me off my feet and makes me think ya know.. it could be me.. it could be my brother, it could be my kid.. my husband, my best friend etc...
Along with this, I have been going to church more often, and i feel it has been a realyl great move for me and my family, AND my relationship with Mark. We dont have too many times in a day when it is just he and I, and his work schedule hours are random as far as when he comes home sometimes. i usually dont even ask when he will be home. i just know if hes not home by 8, i should call to check that he is ok. brody is in school, so its just me and ethan together a lot. and even then, i had gotten so wrapped up in my own stuff, including spending way too much time bumming around. in previous blogs, i wrote some about that... this place has just taken away some of that drive to do anything that i had in me. but im getting it back :)
So over the last maybe 2 months weve been going to church and life's been moving forward in a direction im liking, so ive really been enjoying it, however, not to the fullest, adn i want that full cup. then 4 days ago things started coming full circle for me and im liking it. life really is wonderful. for some, maybe not so much but you gotta figure out a way to get back onto that path and sometimes, it takes someone elses story to make you realize this. sometimes even a total stranger.
ive been in these situations before where ive been so moved by another story its helped me get back on my own track of where i want to be in life. i thank god for those opportunities. I woke up this morning, and as soon as i sent Brody off to school (hes been riding his bike again because the weathers been nice and he is SOOOOO excited about that btw!) before i even got my cup of coffee, something came over me to write on my little pink wipe board top 10 reasons why my husband rocks lol. so i did, and i ran out of room. hes amazing! see thsi chain reaction happens when someone elses story touches your heart... and it extends to the world around you... its like a smile.. its contagious. so hopefully that made marks night.. which i believe it did, because in return, we spent some much needed time just snuggling on the couch, watching alton brown with the kids. we also decided not to go out tonight, just stay in and enjoy the night together. i made us each a nice drink and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. it was a great night. tomorrow is going to be another great day. were taking the boys to the movies which we havent all done together in a while.
anyhow... i just felt the need to blog because ive had so much on my mind and ive been feeling really good. we have a great life here. i may not where physically where i want to be, some days are tough being out here 'alone', my schooling has extended way beyond what i ever though it wouldve been.. in addition my upbringing, some of it, wasnt a fairy tale although far from being down right awful... but all of this is trivial compared to other possibilities. eventually i will complete school and i will be home with my family and who knows..maybe i wont like it being back home after all lol!! my personal life with my family members is in a good place, for everyone i want to be close to and im happy about that. even long distance i feel loved :) I have one life, thats it, and I am really enjoying it despite the obstacles.
Along with this, I have been going to church more often, and i feel it has been a realyl great move for me and my family, AND my relationship with Mark. We dont have too many times in a day when it is just he and I, and his work schedule hours are random as far as when he comes home sometimes. i usually dont even ask when he will be home. i just know if hes not home by 8, i should call to check that he is ok. brody is in school, so its just me and ethan together a lot. and even then, i had gotten so wrapped up in my own stuff, including spending way too much time bumming around. in previous blogs, i wrote some about that... this place has just taken away some of that drive to do anything that i had in me. but im getting it back :)
So over the last maybe 2 months weve been going to church and life's been moving forward in a direction im liking, so ive really been enjoying it, however, not to the fullest, adn i want that full cup. then 4 days ago things started coming full circle for me and im liking it. life really is wonderful. for some, maybe not so much but you gotta figure out a way to get back onto that path and sometimes, it takes someone elses story to make you realize this. sometimes even a total stranger.
ive been in these situations before where ive been so moved by another story its helped me get back on my own track of where i want to be in life. i thank god for those opportunities. I woke up this morning, and as soon as i sent Brody off to school (hes been riding his bike again because the weathers been nice and he is SOOOOO excited about that btw!) before i even got my cup of coffee, something came over me to write on my little pink wipe board top 10 reasons why my husband rocks lol. so i did, and i ran out of room. hes amazing! see thsi chain reaction happens when someone elses story touches your heart... and it extends to the world around you... its like a smile.. its contagious. so hopefully that made marks night.. which i believe it did, because in return, we spent some much needed time just snuggling on the couch, watching alton brown with the kids. we also decided not to go out tonight, just stay in and enjoy the night together. i made us each a nice drink and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. it was a great night. tomorrow is going to be another great day. were taking the boys to the movies which we havent all done together in a while.
anyhow... i just felt the need to blog because ive had so much on my mind and ive been feeling really good. we have a great life here. i may not where physically where i want to be, some days are tough being out here 'alone', my schooling has extended way beyond what i ever though it wouldve been.. in addition my upbringing, some of it, wasnt a fairy tale although far from being down right awful... but all of this is trivial compared to other possibilities. eventually i will complete school and i will be home with my family and who knows..maybe i wont like it being back home after all lol!! my personal life with my family members is in a good place, for everyone i want to be close to and im happy about that. even long distance i feel loved :) I have one life, thats it, and I am really enjoying it despite the obstacles.
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