Parenting

I would like to start this blog with a quote from the web: "To the present parent, the child appears as the original parent... Role reversal is defined as a reversal of the dependency role, in which parents turn to their infants and small children for nurturing and protection. These parents seem to have perceived and experienced their own parents as unloving, cruel, and brutal. Therefore, their egos have not matured and, consequently, social and parental role development has been retarded. When natural infant-child dependency is experienced by these parents as a series of assaultive acts upon themselves, they retaliate with actual assaultive behaviour. This retaliation may be phrased passively, in neglect, or actively, by battering.." Parenting and parenting styles have been heavily on my mind lately. I opened my eyes this morning, and it is as if I had a dream about parenting... instantly I felt I had to write and what started as a post to facebook...became very long and needed to be in blog form. :) Here is what I have learned. When a parent did not supposedly get the love and attention from their own mother/father... they have these children that they expect to love them and care for them because they were deprived of that from their own parents, especially the mother. "MOM" is a very important and powerful person. For the purpose of this blog, I am focusing on mom and the impact she has on her children. So mom is deprived, has high expectations of her children. expectations that maybe for a little while the child can full-fill because they are young and naive, but one day those children grow into difficult teenagers who NEED their parents and mom... and mom feels angry about this new independence their child is trying to get...maybe even jealous. and what will mom do now? now her child is growing up and having a social life, and they need a little less of mom, who up until she had her children, had "no one" to love her the way her children did when they were young. It is not fair, the children end up paying the price for what mom lacked from her own mother. In some cases, mom can recover from this and become and excellent mother. it si what you make of it, but at other times, for whatever the reason, mom doesn't get the big picture, and it is as if mom will do anything to keep her children her children because they are all she has to love and care for her. The children grow up and get married, have children of their own. Then what? one of two things... the children are angry for being deprived of having a mother they deserved because she was wrapped up in her own pain of not having the mother she needed, so they have children to love them and the cycle continues... OR the children are afraid of screwing up their own children so they go above and beyond to make sure they don't fall into the cycle of roll reversal. They understand the unfairness and pain it caused for them, and do not want that relationship with their own offspring. Those are my observations and quite frankly I would go on. Here is my style of parenting, and everyone is different, but here is mine and why i choose to parent the way I do; I planned to have my son Brody. I was ready to be a mother despite me only being 20, I had goals I had set for myself that by age 25 I would have/do and very proudly I am telling you I have met my expectations. To me, I wanted to have children to show them a good life, to love them, nurture them, and set them up to be good people (fathers, workers, husbands etc) one day. My theory is that to the age of 18, minimum, (legally really) I am responsible for them. It is my responsibility to prepare them for the real world, and if I don't have the answers, find someone who does. I am responsible for getting them from the starting line to the first few steps into the "race"... they are responsible to continue the race and make it to the finish line. If they turn out to really make a mess of their lives, I will be proud that I truly did do my best as a mother to get them on the track. Also, if they screw up, they will hopefully, by me helping them, know how to dig themselves out of a mess they get themselves into. They ARE going to make mistakes, that is a part of growing up and learning, but you will nto find me in their ear telling them they are no good and belittling them. that's not my job. my job is to be there for them and if I can help, help them. Now, in my home, I make a big deal about accomplishments. My own also. When I finished school and had my graduation last week, it was important for me to have them there. They saw their mother start a program and complete it. How special is that? we celebrated with a dinner. For a few weeks before the graduation I made a big deal about it because I wanted them to be excited and when they were it made me happy. 1. because it showed my kids are understanding success to a certain level 2. because I am their mother and I made them proud and 3. because if mom can do it, they can and should too. When they do something really awesome at school we celebrate in the same way... candy.. McDonalds.. a new book..encouraging words...something. it keeps them interested and wanting to continue to do well. I will forever be proud of my kids and not be too wound up in my own life to tell them, and genuinely mean it! They do not HAVE to express being proud of me for completing my goals, although it is nice, but it is not their job. It is my job to be their cheerleader. I am so proud of my kids at their little ages. I can not imagine my relationship with them being any different than it is. I have seen them evolve and I like who they are becoming. I tell them often enough so they do not ever have to question my sincerity in that. It is because of my children that I am actually inspired to be a better person and really go after my goals. they have always been my motivation. always. when i was pregnant with Brody, (wont go into detail because i've written blogs about it) I began my schooling. I remember being pregnant, and going to this gathering at the nursing home, where there were many other applicants for the CNA program. they had about 6 open positions for the class. when I was pulled into the office to meet with the director and teacher, I was asked why they should choose me. I told them the basics (i love helping people, this is what i want to do etc) but then I also told them that if I did not get chosen here, I would go somewhere else because this is what I wanted to do. I was chosen.. pregnant and all, they picked me. I was proud. Since then, i have been in school just trying to become a nurse. Between schooling and moving with the military, being young... I had these two babies ad there was just no option for me other than to make something of myself because one day they would need things, and get more expensive. school was never on the top of my priorities, but when i because pregnant, it shot up. It isn't for everyone, that is ok, but it was for me. Now, I am still not an RN yet, I will be an LPN after i pass more boards.. do you think i am going to stop here? hell no ;) It is all because of my children. (and of course an amazing husband helps!!) Being a mother is a privilege and I love it. I am taking advantage of it. when my kids were babies, I specifically remember rocking them and even though they were asleep, just looking at them, touching their hair, their little hands etc.. and saying to myself that I was going to take in every moment right there because as everyone told me, they grow up fast, and they REALLY did! god, so fast! I am glad I was fortunate enough to balance work and being a mother to them. I am glad i took int hose moments. I have no regrets... no "I wish I spent more time" nothing. because I lived in the moment and did it. I promise, if you let them, your children have an amazing power over you... i feel like I have superpowers just being around them lol! sounds a little crazy but really... With my children, and my husband who is my best friend, and of course god, I CAN do anything, and I have. I encourage any other mother out there... if you haven't taken advantage of the "now" do it. hopefully some of my theories and way of parenting, and how I feel about my kids have made you think.. it is never too late to change your relationship with your children with some work.. I am no perfect mother, but I am a damn good one. I am open to constructive criticism as well as comments, suggestions. It really does take a village to raise kids... I take advantage of my resources. Children are all different. I know my kids, I learned what they need from a mother...and construct my parenting around that. I love to write, (and talk!) and sometimes I write these things on a whim. Sometimes there is no one in my immediate path to discuss these things with, so I blog. I am no professional, just a mom with experience :) still learning as I go!