Getting Back on Track

I want to do an experiment, so play along if you can. Things you'll need; a pen/pencil and a piece of paper.
I want you to draw a long "S" like shape on a piece of paper. Make as many "S" curves as you want. Now, in a different color pen/pencil, I want you to close your eyes, and try your best to trace the shape you just drew.




This is mine

The purpose of this exercise? To show you that in life, our relationships, marriages, careers etc we have this path we envision for ourselves (mine is the black line) then, we have reality (mine is the red line) throughout our lives, sometimes we are RIGHT on track, and other times we are close, but not on the path, and other times we are just WAY off, but we do come back again. We are basically going through life with an idea of what we want, but really, we can not see where we are going. Do not be discouraged if life takes you somewhere you didn't imagine you would be. Just go with the flow, get yourself back on track, and move forward!


My inspiration for this blog comes from a recent time in my marriage. I never imagined I would be married to a military man, live 3,000 miles away from family, STILL be in college after not wanting to really go anyways and it lasting for 10 years give or take a few semesters... but this is my marriage, and Mark is who I fell in love with. What can I say? the guy has charm!


We have been married for 9 years. In the beginning, it is really not that difficult to be pleased in the marriage and have your needs met. It is new and fresh and you are so in love and happy. For us it was this way anyways. Eventually, you learn that marriage takes more investing into as time goes on than maybe it did in the beginning. If you don't give it nourishment, it will die.

photo credit: bobfranklin via photopin cc

These last 2 years we have been pretty busy. First, Mark made chief and went through some pretty intense training. The first year of being a chief is said to be the toughest. He was getting used to a new role amongst his peers and also a new roll in general. This was his dream and he was finally living it. Soon after, I started nursing school. It was now my turn to move on with my dream. I was doing some intense studying some nights, and really needed to focus on my school work. Any little slip up could be disastrous in the nursing school world, and I am a bit of a perfectionist. School is now complete, Mark has now been a chief for over a year, and we look around and it has come to both of our conclusions that we really haven't been investing as much into each other as we both needed to be. It happened by mistake, we just got so used to our hectic schedules, taking care of the kids, the house, spending time with friends (awesome ones btw) that alone time just got less and less. I missed my friend. Since being out of nursing school, his schedule has changed a few times. Usually he works an odd shift and doesn't come home until early morning and sleeps a good part of the day away.


Sure we would spend time "together" with friends on the weekend sometimes, or "together" with the kids, we had an occasional dinner out in town for an hour or so, but we really needed to spend time TOGETHER, one on one, having fun, talking, playing, laughing etc. We had fallen off our path without even realizing it for a little while. Mark is just as serious and committed to his work as I am about mine. As the wife of a chief, I learned very early on when he was going through induction not to rely too heavy on a set schedule. He could leave a 2pm and not be home until 4am and this actually does happen sometimes. I learned to go with the flow and not really expect him to be home at a certain time. They are also pulled away when you least expect it, like ON the day of my graduation. That day I was heart broken because I didn't think he would make it and that was SO important to me, but he worked it out and made it!



Once we did realize We had been off track for a bit, we made a plan. Well actually, I told Mark about an event in Pismo beach and we decided it would be cool to go to together if we could get a sitter, and then Mark made the plans. I have to say it felt incredible for him to plan the entire day, and it really gave us that refreshing feeling to our relationship. It was exactly what we needed. I feel like I have my friend back.

photo credit: digitaldefection via photopin cc

Surviving the Military

I was straightening my hair in the mirror, thinking about my husband who is currently waiting to come home.. he is a few hours late and has been gone just over 2 weeks. I made a FB post that triggered my thoughts for writing this blog. Th post was something like i am "patiently" waiting for my husband to get home.. hes hours late, im not a patient person. something like that. got me to think of a person who used to make snide remarks about a person like me.. who is excited to see her husband whether it be 20 days or 20 months... doesn't matter. We miss our guys. and while the break is nice, there's nothing like having him here.

So basically some things many people may say is "well be thankful hes only been gone 2 weeks." "imagine how people feel whose husbands have been gone 2 years." or my favorite... "just two weeks? that's not bad. my husband was gone for 8 months and..." don't get me wrong, it is pretty different when your hubs is gone 2 weeks compared to 2 years, however, its just not nice to minimize someone elses feelings for their spouse to be returning home no matter the length of time.At times, that's what happens in the real military world.

So i thought of some other things floating around in my head related to being a military spouse and my experiences and things I wish I did more of... and this i would say is for the newer military spouses. Here are my pieces of advice in no special order;

10. You don't have to be friends with everyone. Its nice to be friendly, but there's no reason to try to be friends with every single person. Sometimes ti doesn't work out, and that's ok. keep a few good girls by your side that you click with and keep the rest acquaintances.

9. It is ok to not join every group, go to every meeting etc... its encouraged to take part in these things of course! but sometimes there's just groups and meetings falling out your ears you don't know what ones are important and what ones aren't any more. Its ok to be choosey. Quite honestly, some of us have other things to do outside of the military life. (school, work, other commitments) You are not a bad spouse for not being an active member of more than 1 group. At times, unless you know the people involved, you never know what you are going to get either. its ok to go a few times then decide this is not for you, or what the group has to offer you don't need.

8. network. Know a few spouses in the command as well as a few out of the command. you'll always have someone to fill you in on whats going on in the command, someone to go to functions with, complain about long deployments with, laugh cry etc... its a good feeling. having some good chicks outside of the command is good too. you'll have someone who you can swap sittings with (if you have kids) when there are functions, you don't know their people, they dont know your people...

7. Don't talk about your husbands rank unless asked.. IF you want to disclose that information (or have to). Unless there is a gathering at your home and you are wanting to invite her husband, its not really important. Us wives (or husbands married to females serving) can be friends with whoever we want despite ranks. We are not our spouses rank.

6. Know what you need to know and leave the rest alone. I admit, I know the basics. I know enough about my husbands job, whats going on in the command that could affect our family, who is important to know, etc. earlier in the game of being a military wife, i would hear these wives talk about things that i had NO clue about... and to be honest, it was all irrelevant.

5. Know your resources and what services are available to you and if you don't know, ask. there's the ombudsmen, the few groups you may have joined, the couple of friends you have made... chances are whoever you ask, they have either used those resources before too or knew someone who did, or are happy to share what they know but maybe haven't used before. If you feel "stupid" whip out the phone book or google search your base and see what they offer on their website.

4. leave politics, parenting, and religion at the door unless you feel you're in a group of people who, even if you may disagree, you will still be friends in the end. We all come from different walks of life. Don't assume every person in the military is the same or has the same views.

3. Its ok not to love the place your stationed at. It never fails, someone will always say "if you think this place is bad, you should of seen ..." or "This place isn't bad at all!" everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but then you have some people that just wont let you feel the way you feel and try to convince you that where you are is great. It's ok.. think the place you're at sucks... its not home, its not what you're used to, you haven't adjusted to the place.. whatever the reason it is ok to feel that way. just make the best of it :) after 3-4 years you get new orders and start all over!

2. Take advantage of being able to travel and seeing new places that had you not been involved in the military, you would not ever had gotten to see or experience. That choice could end up changing you life forever.

1. Make non-military friends. They keep you grounded, know all the best local places to go, and sometimes just not being a part of the military hoopla is relieving. Someone who doesnt know anything about the military.. you can just be yourself around.

Mental health

Its no secret that i love mental health. Ive taken so many classes for mental health/psychology and it never gets old to me. I have to say my absolute favorite part of nursing school (ok my top 3) is mental health. several reasons for this. number one being that i come from an interesting family and as i explain it, thanks to them they helped me pass pretty much any psych class ive ever taken especially my psychiatric mental health nursing class.

Heres the thing...i have anxiety. ive had it since i was about 12 that i knew of, before i even knew what it was. i remember the first experience i really had was when i was in the car with one of my best friends and remember describing to her that i felt fake. now if youve never experienced this feeling it can be pretty scary and it can put you into a fight or flight mode and escalate to panic sometimes.

I talk pretty openly about my anxiety. infact, i welcome anyone to talk to me about it. to me, it is what it is, it is a part of who i am and im ok with it. ive also noticed since moving to cali people seem to not talk about issues like this openly. not sure if it is the area im in or if i am misreading this.. who knows. but i know back home and among the people i met east coast.. people are pretty open about it.

when i was in middle school i was pretty embarrassed about it. i felt like i was the only one with this weird thing..why the hell couldn't i do a presentation without feeling ill, or worrying about what anyone thinks.. ugh...so frustrating.

this blog can get pretty lengthy but ill keep it to a minimum :) ill try...

so back to middle school. now that was just an awkward time in life anyways and just everyones eyes on me...gah! i wanted to run. but i went through with my presentations anyways. praying to god for it to end quickly. my best friend also had anxiety so we kind of bonded that way and joked about our anxiety even though it was very real, it helped make us feel better.

then in high school it was at its absolute WORSE. when i say worse i mean i would pay 10 bucks sometimes just so i didn't have to ride the bus. i avoided presenting at all cost, i wanted to cry trying to explain to the teacher that i just couldn't do it. i would skip class because of this sometimes. not because i didn't want to be there (not always anyways) but sometimes. i always thought this was just not normal. no one else seemed to act like this or felt like i did. what the hell was wrong with me?

i mean, i had moved from rhode island to maine and i was PISSED for...well, for ever it seemed lol. until i became an adult and realized what a good move it actually was for me. so that made my problem worse. i was the new kid, with a weird accent, had no time to prepare myself for the move (if you know me you know i like notice so i can mentally and physically prepare)i was a teenager and felt like my world as i knew it was crashing down on me. at the time i had a lot of issues with my parents and i was going through that weird teenage stuff like when you feel like your feet are too big or your arms are too long..your face breaks out lol... so i was just pissed at the world for a while. a good...looooonnng while.

ok i was digressing a bit.. back to the anxiety...

so i avoided really making friends then the friends i did eventually make, some of them were into some bad habits but we got along and i felt accepted and looking back it was what it was and i wouldn't have changed it. but i just flat out didn't give a shit in 9th grade.

10th grade is when i started to care more, and made friends and knew i was there in maine there was not much i could do about it. i started wanting to make better grades. i attended school more often and skipped classes less. now really my biggest problem was the presenting still.

one other story i will share with you is that in 10th grade i met my high school sweet heart and we were in the same english class. well, he was more outgoing and actually added to my anxiety. after about a month of dating i just had to get out of that class. i think because he was a distraction and people knew we dated...something about that atmosphere and attention being drawn to us.. i just had to get out of there. so i did. it was really hard to try to explain to my teacher why i had to switch my class. i really liked that teacher a lot too but my anxiety had won. i lied to her.. my reasoning for leaving that class because i thought it was pretty stupid that a boyfriend could honestly bring this much anxiety out in me...during class. what the hell. well, i didnt really lie, but sort of.

so 11th and 12 grade were pretty similar, im going to digress a bit here again so skip to the next paragraph if you are so over with my digressing...although i started to show my sweeter side of who i was and dropped some of my bitchy "city girl" attitude....i wasnt a bitch, i just had an attitude and actually most people would disagree with me but i felt bitchy. lol. probably in part to being a teenager and life was kind of competitive especially at work. me and a friend of mine at work were always pissing each other off. we had a love hate relationship, trying to be top dog, but really, we just weren't. but we did try! i mean, we could slap the hell out of pizza dough and multitask like no other but it was just pizza. we were both good workers...teenagers trying to gain control. ahhh those were the good old days :) If i was one of the elders working there i probably would've stuffed he and i in the freezer during shift :) and also, being called a bitch by the people who were supposed to help build my self esteem, amongst other names.. but thats a whole other story.

OK.. heres where we pick up the anxiety story again lol. :) so.. i started college and im pretty sure somewhere within this blog site theres a post about this, so i wont get much into it, but i wanted control of it, i had enough of the BS with anxiety taking over who i was and who i wanted to be. funny thing is out of school i was different. in school i was kind of quiet and just hung with my friends at lunch and stuff... i mean i had friends in classes too but i just kind of stayed quiet i think not to draw attention to myself so i wouldn't panic. in high school.. it was panic attacks i was dealing with. out of my classrooms is where i could be myself. in the lunch room.. during break time. etc. in class forget it. hide me. my best defense against drawing attention was hiding in my hoodie.

i went through a thing where i used to like to wear my jackets and hoodies because i guess maybe it was almost like a security blanket. i could hide. problem was... that hoodie would get hot thus resulting in panicking sometimes when attention was drawn on me. you see how this cycle works? it is so vicious when it is out of control.

now if you are reading this and have anxiety, maybe you are sitting there shaking your head in agree-ance with some of these things ive mentioned. if you haven't experienced it, you may think knowing all this now about me that maybe you didnt, that i was tapped lol! and i cant say i blame anyone for feelign like that because a person who hasn't dealt with it just doesn't know the feeling... just doesn't understand how this could happen. i know.. i know. and i especially know because my mother has/had anxiety bad...waaay back when it was kind of thought to be "crazy" and us kids made fun of her horribly. we did. then i got this and thought oh shit.. im turning into my crazy mother.

...the good thing about that though is i've seen how my mom dealt with her problem which really made me consider my own issues and how i would deal with them. i had a few options at this point in life. i could drop out of college and give into this anxiety.. i could get medication... go to counseling... read books to self educate about this... hide in my hoodie for the rest of my life... i mean the possibilities were really endless lol.

i decided to do a combination of things which again i know somewhere around here i've mentioned in detail before.. (i think!) so ill keep it brief but basically what i did was everything i could. counseling, medicine, self educate, talking openly about my problem etc... and it all worked! it took a little time but it worked.

my main thing is i didn't want to be like a particular person, on medication for the rest of my life. the good news was I didn't have to. the bad news for me was that sometimes people really need medication and i could have been one of them but my view was already tainted about meds. i wanted to avoid them like the plague. over the years my view has changed about that and no one should be ashamed for needing to take medicine for a mental health issue.

for me though, i had really wanted to try to stay off the medicine. long story short.. i decided my little rituals weren't working any more, i was getting older and needed to get over my fears. so what did i do? i took the meds LOL!! BUT...i used themt o help me and only used them as long as i felt i needed to.

what i did was my second year of college i remember sitting in a class and i had to speak from my chair. i knew my turn was coming to speak.. now im going to walk you though my feelings... "im sitting here in my chair... theres about 10 people that have to speak before i do.. i know my turn is coming up, my hands are sweating, im swallowing about 20 times, my throat is dry.. i need water... but now after if taken a few sips i have too much fluid in my mouth what if i spit... ok ok.. theres just 4 people left now.. i feel like im getting hot, im gonna pass out. let me take my jacket off. i need to touch something cool so i can put it on the back of my neck because im gonna pass out if i dont. ok theres 1 person in front of me now.. omg.. ok ok how am i gonna start this.. ok jacquie i just gotta do this and not think about feeling like a freak.. deep breath, another swallow, another palm check yup still clammy.. ok my turn.." then i speak and while im speaking i feel like everyone can see im having anxiety but really, they probably didnt at all. i dont think anyone ever noticed. i mean i didnt get to say all i wanted to saya dn i wasnt too confident but i did it and before i know it my fight or flight response has chilled out and things are ok.

SO soon after that episode (it was in an english class btw...another freakin english class lol) i decided to try the zoloft. nothing too high, just 50mg.. something to help me out so i could help myself.

i felt like things were getting better. i used it for maybe under a year, learned how to deal with this, then got off the medicine.

now my next challenge was interesting. now i went through the cna schooling ok i was pregnant with brody.. did fine. used all the skills i taught myself while i was on my medicine. enrolled into my medical assisting program an found out OH i HAVE to take a speach class! unfreaking believable. an entire semester dedicated to my anxiety trigger. you kidding me??

well, instead of freaking out and stamping my feet, i decided now was a perfect time to take advantage of this class, volunteer to take it sooner rather than wait until the last possible moment when i wouldn't have a choice (having a choice really helped me manage my anxiety) so i took the class, got an A in it, did great and that really opened some amazing doors for me!

the only way to get over a fear is to face it head on. now i know for some people, this can be debilitating and really hard to do, you have to do it when you're ready, and if you ever feel you are ready to do it. if you are never ready then to each his own. only we know our own bodies and what we are capable of trying.

for years i stayed off any medicine. about 4 years? and i did really well off of it. i started RN school and like they say in nursing school if you weren't on medication when you started, you will be LOL! so true!


so the goal is to manage anxiety. it is never ever going to go away. i no longer take the zoloft. im starting to go swimming now that the weather is nice. yoga helps, my gardening, and remembering to let loose everyone now and then. go to dinner with mark and live in that moment and worry about school when i get home and have to study. its important to take care of ourselves mentally as well as physically.




honestly, i could go on forever with this however i have to be at clinical tomorrow morning so i suppose now is a good time to stop. That and if you actually are still reading this...holy crap!:D have a good night.

You know you're a couponing junkie when...

not all of these apply to me, however, just noticing some friends are starting to really take off with the couponing and with all these tv shows, thought it'd be funk to do a finish the sentence kind of thing...

You know youre a couponing junkie when:

1. you're excited about someone elses savings

2. ..if the kids are starving youll tell them to wait a minute so you can finish watching Dr phil or whatever is on, but if you get an email notification on your cell phone for new printable coupons your ass is flying off that couch to go print off your coupons!

3. you wake up at 7:30am and start your computer to search for the latest coupon deals... before getting your coffee, before getting your kids ready for school...

4. a trip alone to the grocery store so you can 'focus' has become more appealing to you than a date night out with your spouse.

5. you have a stock pile of 50 bottles of K.Y. jelly but you're not having sex because you're too busy looking for coupons.

6. you'll drive 20 minutes to get the latest deals at cvs but a 5 minute drive to get your husbands dry cleaning is a hassle.

7. you're thinking right now, about looking for a coupon as soon as you're done reading this.

8. you'll let a call go to voice mail if its your mother but if a friend calls about a coupon she just found that you HAVE to get, you'll answer it.

9. You've spent time convincing your child, in the grocery store, that they don't want a particular cereal, that they should get this other brand because you have a coupon for it.

10. You've managed to convince your husband to switch brands of body wash/deoderant that hes been using since before you met each other, because you dont have a coupon for that brand.

11. you'll spend 2 hours looking for a good coupon but complain when you have to fold the laundry because it takes too long.

12. The house is stocked with food from all the purchases you made with your coupons, but you go to mcdonalds for dinner because you're too exhausted to cook after the major shopping trip you just did.

13. you get mad at your husband for buying shaving cream after he ran out so you tell him he should have consulted with you first to see if you had a coupon for it! which you did!

the simplest things

For the last maybe 4 days ive been really kind of obsessing about life and my appreciation for mine and what i have and who i have in it. As some know, ive been following the journal of a family whose son had a horrible car accident back in November. I knew him from church when i was a teenager. Once in a while a situation comes along unexpectedly and kind of knocks me off my feet and makes me think ya know.. it could be me.. it could be my brother, it could be my kid.. my husband, my best friend etc...

Along with this, I have been going to church more often, and i feel it has been a realyl great move for me and my family, AND my relationship with Mark. We dont have too many times in a day when it is just he and I, and his work schedule hours are random as far as when he comes home sometimes. i usually dont even ask when he will be home. i just know if hes not home by 8, i should call to check that he is ok. brody is in school, so its just me and ethan together a lot. and even then, i had gotten so wrapped up in my own stuff, including spending way too much time bumming around. in previous blogs, i wrote some about that... this place has just taken away some of that drive to do anything that i had in me. but im getting it back :)

So over the last maybe 2 months weve been going to church and life's been moving forward in a direction im liking, so ive really been enjoying it, however, not to the fullest, adn i want that full cup. then 4 days ago things started coming full circle for me and im liking it. life really is wonderful. for some, maybe not so much but you gotta figure out a way to get back onto that path and sometimes, it takes someone elses story to make you realize this. sometimes even a total stranger.

ive been in these situations before where ive been so moved by another story its helped me get back on my own track of where i want to be in life. i thank god for those opportunities. I woke up this morning, and as soon as i sent Brody off to school (hes been riding his bike again because the weathers been nice and he is SOOOOO excited about that btw!) before i even got my cup of coffee, something came over me to write on my little pink wipe board top 10 reasons why my husband rocks lol. so i did, and i ran out of room. hes amazing! see thsi chain reaction happens when someone elses story touches your heart... and it extends to the world around you... its like a smile.. its contagious. so hopefully that made marks night.. which i believe it did, because in return, we spent some much needed time just snuggling on the couch, watching alton brown with the kids. we also decided not to go out tonight, just stay in and enjoy the night together. i made us each a nice drink and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. it was a great night. tomorrow is going to be another great day. were taking the boys to the movies which we havent all done together in a while.

anyhow... i just felt the need to blog because ive had so much on my mind and ive been feeling really good. we have a great life here. i may not where physically where i want to be, some days are tough being out here 'alone', my schooling has extended way beyond what i ever though it wouldve been.. in addition my upbringing, some of it, wasnt a fairy tale although far from being down right awful... but all of this is trivial compared to other possibilities. eventually i will complete school and i will be home with my family and who knows..maybe i wont like it being back home after all lol!! my personal life with my family members is in a good place, for everyone i want to be close to and im happy about that. even long distance i feel loved :) I have one life, thats it, and I am really enjoying it despite the obstacles.

Random thoughts about friends and whatever else my brain comes up with while typing this.

I was cleaning the bathrooms this morning and the house is just about silent. When it is silent, my brain usually is not. My brain is always thinking. So as im cleaning behind our filthy toilet (i thought the boys bathroom was discusting until i took a closer look at my own... yuck...) and thinking about military, marriages and familes. Ethan walks in after he is done cleaning off his sink, asking me for a snack for about the 6th time this morning. (uugh!) Mark just left. he came in to take shower after working out, and by the way, walked all over the clean floor with his boots on dispite me yelling back to him AND ethan that i was washing the floor and not to walk on it.

Anyways.... enough side tracking...

So im cleaning behind the toilet and thinking of the people i know, the friends ive met over the years, what made those friendships successful, when i felt my best and worse etc. I am big on believing that it does take a village to raise a child, family is important, and strength comes in numbers. This has been tested even more so since being Military and having kids and having to be so far from my family. I have kind of adopted friends as family, and even if i was not too close to my kids friends parents, my kids were able to have close friendships and i atleast knew the parent and we were friendly to eachother, look out for eachothers kids etc.

In florida, i had an amazing network of other military spouses and mothers. it was a perfect experience for me. south carolina i didnt really have much of that with the military folks. it was a small command and communication i felt was poor. but i did meet some amazing people through brodys school a few months before we had to leave. south carolina i would say was where the biggest toll was put on my family. we made the best of it though. we thought that would have been a good move for us, and in a way, it was, because it made our family stronger i believe. Here in CA, this move seems to be good for our entire family. I never would have thought this but so far i really love it here.

i like knowing that i have atleast 1-3 people i can depend on to joke with, vent to, or ask for a favor and i can be the same kind of friend for them. we need that. its a part of being human.


and Sometimes we have to weed out the people who seem to have a pattern of trouble. even if the person is not intentionally doing things to make things difficult, there comes a time when either there is going to be a change or its time to move on from the friendship, and there is nothing wrong with that. ready for a corny quote? "weeds stunt the growth of what could be a beautiful garden." its true though :)


and now i am going to enjoy this gloomy day with ethie Bee :)

Preschool Education in CA

I am sharing a few emails i have sent back and forth between 2 people. The first email is with the superintendant which i forward to the assemblymans secretary. i have a slew more, trying to get things to change, but i wont bore you all with them. its kind of repetitive anyways. i really am livid the way california is doing things. if theyre gonna have a preschool, then they need to do it right, and theyre not, and im annoyed. as a mother of a 4 year old who was denied preschool, for a 3 year old to be accepted... its b.s. i dont care what their parents income level is. YOUR KIDS 3.. THEY DONT NEED PRESCHOOL.. THEYRE NOT GOING TO KINDERGARTEN NEXT YEAR... anyways.. tell me.. am i the only one who sees a problem here?!?!?



On Jul 6, 2011, at 5:48 PM, Jacqueline Antepenko wrote:
Hi there. My name is Jacqueline Antepenko. We are new to the area. My husband is in the navy and we have just settled in our home on base. I have two children. My oldest will start first grade. My youngest, unfortunately, will not be going to preschool this year because of our INCOME status which outrages me. As many military families, we have lived in several states and I was hugely disappointed to find out my son cannot go to preschool based on the amount of money his father earned for his service in the military. I would have felt better if it was based on something such as an academic test and he tested too high to be considered for preschool.
What is the reasoning for basing entry into preschool on income alone? Does this mean that a child who is behind academically misses out on preschool if their parents make too much money? We have never had this problem before. This is a problem that several of us here in base housing are wanting more information on. It just seems very unfair.
A response would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely, Jacqueline Antepenko


From: rseaver@central.k12.ca.us
Subject: Re: Please respond
Date: Sat, 9 Jul 2011 09:50:45 -0700
To: pinky7284@msn.com

Jacqueline,
Central Union School District operates a "State Preschool" at three of our school sites. "State Preschool" is funded by the state and has specific requirements for both operation and enrollment. One of the criteria for enrollment is income eligibility. Over the last several years the state has also lowered the income level making it even harder for our military families to qualify. In fact if it goes any lower Central Union School District will have to cancel the preschool classes on the base.
If you're inclined to write letters or emails to political representatives, I might suggest you write and complain about the income level regarding "State Preschool" to either Assemblyman Valadao or Senator Rubio. I would really push the military service issue and deployment issues. If you would like more specific information on the income levels I would be happy to provide that information to you.
My personal belief is that the "State Preschool" should be available for all military dependents. Unfortunately, the state doesn't feel that way.
On another note, you have access to two great schools out at the base. Both Neutra and Akers have great reputation and history. I'm sure you'll enjoy either school.
Respectfully,
Ron Seaver
Superintendent
Central Union Elementary School District



SO, I forward this letter to this lady here Jane, who has been very very helpful and actually called me and is trying to settle this issue with me. Herers her reply:

From: Jane.Chakhlasyan@asm.ca.gov
To: pinky7284@msn.com
Date: Tue, 30 Aug 2011 11:15:57 -0700
Subject: RE: from the superintendant
Hi Mrs. Antepenko,
I do apologize for my delayed response, but I did get more information back from our contact within the CA Department of Education. Apparently, there are several allowances that can be considered exempt from being considered as part of your total income, with regards to the income eligbility. For example a housing allowance, or a uniform allowance that is provided for in each paycheck can be considered exempt from counting towards the total income that determines whether your child is eligible to attend the preschool on base. I have the link below to the latest bulletin regarding the fee schedule, and the name and contact number of the person who handles the Kings County schools. If you call Lupe Lopez, at 916-332-4275, and have the above information ready, then she can determine whether your income is within the eligibility or not. If that does not end up being the case, then we definitely want to look at this for potential legislation in the fall. Please keep me updated with the outcome, to let me know how else the Assemblyman can be of service. Thank you.
Here is the Web link to Management Bulletin 11-26 : http://www.cde.ca.gov/sp/cd/ci/mb1126.asp
Contact info:
Lupe Lopez 916-322-4275 llopez@cde.ca.gov

Jane Metcalf
Office Manager
Assemblyman David G. Valadao
559.585.7170 w
559.585.7175 f


From: Jacquie Santos-Antepenko [mailto:pinky7284@msn.com]
Sent: Tuesday, August 30, 2011 11:51 AM
To: Chakhlasyan, Jane
Subject: RE: from the superintendant
you are saying housing allowance should not be considered as a part of total income? because when i went to sign my child up for school back in june they did consider it as income.
Jacqueline Antepenko


From: Jane.Chakhlasyan@asm.ca.gov
To: pinky7284@msn.com
Date: Tue, 30 Aug 2011 11:56:19 -0700
Subject: RE: from the superintendant
That may be the case, when I spoke with our contact in the legislative division, he said that it was recent federal policy that had passed indicating there are exemptions, and he mentioned housing as an example. He said not all child care centers know about it, but double check with Lupe and let me know if you have any trouble, I can always follow up with our legislative liaison to confirm the information.
Jane Metcalf
Office Manager
Assemblyman David G. Valadao
559.585.7170 w
559.585.7175 f




After getting off the phone with Lupe, she had called Linda here who is the person I registered my boys with for school. I wasn’t too happy after I talked with Linda. I sent Jane another email. I didn’t get the answer I was hoping for from Linda…so this matter is still being looked into…thank you JANE!


I talked with someone named Tina at our school district about this. thats who Lupe referred me to talk with. I am so angry with this entire school system. apparently, you have to make $3,908 to qualify and i make $3,441 a month. add BAH and that is about a thousand more. Until the school district gets a letter stating the change has been made in July, they are running things the old way, and we are not even considered anyways because of the BAH. They are allowing 3 year olds, who will not be even going to kindergarten next year attend preschool just because their parent made less money than my husband did, and this is so frustrating it makes absolutely no sense why they would do this. This is about the kids education as I said before, not how much money someone has or does not have. My son is 4, he is going to kindergarten next year, but a 3 year old is getting a better education than he is and it is not fair. you guys are failing the kids who deserve to be in this program just because their parent makes too much money. Why wouldnt the state give priority to all 4 year olds first, then the 3 year olds if there is room, and why wouldnt they do this BEFORE the school year starts? we are already into our 3rd week of school and they still dont have all the kids enrolled into school. This also means that the 3 year olds, based on income, will have 2 years of preschool since they wont be in kindergarten for another 2 years IF their parent doesnt get a pay raise. Then, if the parent does get a pay raise to an E6, what happens? That child wont be able to go to preschool and it is basically like throwing away a years worth of learning that could have gone to a child who is now in kindergarten, and behind, because a seat in preschool was not given to them when they were 4. . do you see the problem here or am I missing something with the way the state is run?

Jacqueline Antepenko

values and other stuff some people may or may not care about.

Be prepared for some typos and such because i probably wont review this to correct them. :)

So, we have been in california for over a month now and so far we are really loving it here. i was vaccuming the couch a few minutes ago and thought i should probably blog because i was thinking about something. actually, the last several days i have been really thinking about several things. One of them is what i value, and what other people value, and how sometimes it can be perceived in a way its not meant to be.

anyhow, when we moved into base housing i didnt realyl know too much of what to expect. i thought ok this could be a really positive thing or really bad, but its for 2 years and it will be a good experience. we moved into this house, i bawled my eyes out because i didnt think our king size bed would fit in our room, and honestly, it wasnt about the bed... i had just been overwhelmed. even though our road trip here was AMAZING and almost perfect, it is still stressful and i guess that day my stress came out emotionally. after a good cry, i was better. later that night, i realized how ridiculus it was that i had cried...thats when i realized it wasnt over just the bed...

so with every move i try my best to make our house our home... with my things, decorated the way i like it within our means. when mark and i first got together he had practically nothing after going through a breakup with someone else, he just left that situation and started fresh. he had a bed, 2 tvs, a cooler, a table with no chairs, a fouton, and a dresser made out of cynder blocks and wood... and a tv stand made of cynder blocks and wood. honestly, thats about it! but we were happy. :) then we were very lucky to get some pieces of furniture we purchased from another coworker of marks when he was moving, and then my brother helped us get some things, and we purchased a couch together. brand new. that was exciting!

we always made the best out of what we had and we still do. we finally stepped into the current times with technology about a year 1/2 ago. we felt we deserved it, we went a long time doing things the right way, paying down our bills and not worrying about having new things. it wasnt a big deal! we worked on getting our credit better and things like that.

so in south carolina we made our house our home updating some of our things and it felt really good to be able to put a little more effor tinto making our home a bit nicer. not expensive, just better... i am pretty thrifty if you didnt know that about me :)

when we were kids we got tons of hand me downs. actually, im not sure when there was a time we got something brand new. i know we did i just cant rememebr a time. i had the same bed from the time i was 4 until i moved out and met mark. it wasnt important and honestly that damn bed was comfy even if it did sag in the middle ha! I was really proud the day i purchased a brand new desk for my room as a teenager. i remember my moms husband helping me put that thing together. but i worked my butt off to get that thing and it cost about 80 bucks. i had been working at dominos and we had gotten a bit of extra cash... it was around the holidays. i thought at the time 80 bucks was a lot for me. i used that desk until we moved from maine to florida when it finally start falling apart. it was the story behind the desk that made it important to me. its the story behind some of my things that make them important to me. i am so appreciative of what i have. i always have been. i value a nice home with things in it that have a story, or were given to me by someone special, or my art i put on my walls, my pictures of my friends, the lamp on my desk that belonged to my grandmother, i look around my own house and i see things that remind me of good times in my life and struggling times and saving, and things like that.

so when i go into someone elses home, i feel the same. i like to look around and see what their house looks like, you can gain a lot from looking around someones home and seeing what they value, what is important to them.. i learn a bit of who they are and what they like. do they have pictures of friends and family around everywhere? do they have a giant cook book full of old recipes? plants in every corner of the room? toys all over the floor? whatever it is... clean or messy, a room full of junk or an almost bare house... theres a story behind it.

living in military housing and picking up moving every 1-3 years (for us anyhow) its a chore somtimes... but i want to make my home feel like it is my own and not someone elses. this is where my kids will grow up and memories they will have. for me, i want them to have good memories and as normal as i can make it for them. with a comfortable, normal feeling home, with pets, and pictures on our walls, and stains on the rug if they make them, and toys in the bath tub that never get out, and a mess in their room from having kids come over and playing, and i want to deal with foot prints on my floor from them walking around with their dirty wet/muddy feet from playing in the water outside... you get my point. this is our life. everyone makes what they want of their lives, and for military families, it really is different than civilian life at times. everyone will choose something different for their family and this is my choice :) ive been very accepting over the last 6 months especially that this is our life, that i may not go home for 2 years, that my kids may not be around their cousins and uncles for a while... but we make the best of it, do video chats, write letters, make phone calls, hang pictures so we dont forget them adn when we do get to go home, we take advantage of seeing everyone we can and making good memories. i feel were on the right track and making this military life work for us instead of against us (me) and everything i ever wanted for my family and my kids especially :)

so i guess theres a bit of a moral to the story... dont look down on someone who doesnt appear to have as much as you do, and dont look down on someone who has more than you do. just be thankful with what you have. our spouses work every work day, long hours. some of us come from fortunate families and some of us do not. some of us value nice things, some of us do not. to some of us its important to have the trendiest things, adn to others it is not. wherever these things are on your scale of value and importance, it is ok and dont be ashamed of that. people will probably judge.. and maybe thats because they value things a bit different than you do! :)

EEEhhhh

So mark is getting ready to leave bright and early tomorrow. He will be gone for about 6 weeks. There is no one that can tell me 'thats the life style' i hate that.. yes, it is, yes i knew these things would happen, but no matter how many notifications you get about a loved one leaving for any length of time or how well you think you have prepared, you cant tell your feelings and mind to shutup... its like having a baby.. you can read all the books and get all the knick knacks, but your still not ever really ready...

i know for sure if i was near loved ones this would be so much easier to deal with. but then again i just dont feel like i really belong anywhere. we havent had time to settle here all together yet, so i feel like part of me is still scattered. i dont feel like home is RI, maine, or here. if anywhere, florida is where i feel i left a lot behind because thats where we spend the majority of our lives as a family..

im trying to get brody ready for school and soccer and im glad he will be very occupied. i am trying to start school again in january and im not sure how im going to do all of this and if mark will be leaving again for weeks at a time, if the school will be flexible with my schedule... and i doubt it. its a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and im going to have to deal with that when the time comes...all i do know is i have to get my ass in school and finish even if it mentally kills me. its 18 months of hell i had started to do before, and i will and can do it again.

..but for now, i have mark leaving tomorrow. i have to look at things in chunks. this is the 6 week chunk.. so for 6 weeks i have to figure out what im going to do, how im going to deal with it... then when he gets home, thats another chunk, then school in january, thats another chunk...etc... so these 6 weeks....eh...

ive been feeling a little depressed now and then just because im lonely and here by myself without much to do or anywhere to go. and if i do go somewhere, its no fun being alone, or just with the kids.. all the time. so if i do go anywhere or do anything, its because im making myself because i know if i dont ill get even more depressed and the kids need to get out and do things. i dont even know that i really want to meet people around here right now. if i had it my way, i would just hang around the house all day and not get dressed, watch tv, sleep, eat... lol.. but i cant... thats not a good idea.

so instead ive been exercising lately, and trying to get out atleast 3 times a week, even if its just to a store to look around. i enjoy my glass of wine at night, and taking care of the yard as needed, painting my nails, getting dressed, doing my daily routine stuff to keep that habbit going... and when i need to talk to adults, i have FB, my phone, and my good neighbor.

im just going to hope i can get through these next 6 weeks, and actually, the next 7 days... ill start with that. after 7 days, things should start feeling ok again... once the newness of mark being away again wears off. then ill deal with brodys school, soccer... etc...

so my goal is to get through the next 7 days, keeping everyone happy, cooking meals, living as if mark was right here in the other room. playing my music, watching funny tv shows, playing games with the boys, things like that...

im definitely not cut out to be a military wife lol. well, i am, because i dont have a choice but im not. it takes a lot of self discipline for me to do what i do. i hate being alone, sleeping alone, the dark, i like having mark do certain things for me... but along the way i have learned to do a lot more for myself than i had before... like loading that stinking dish washer, putting away the laundry not just folding it, mow the grass even when its hot out, take the trash to the end of the road etc... idk if other wives are like me and they just dont talk about their feelings like i do, i know i cant be the only one to have these things runnign through my mind.

and the kids.. they actually help keep me more sane than insane, because i have them here, i have to do certain things for them to be happy and live 'normal'... they depend on me to get up every day and put a smile on my face and make life happen.

well i guess this i should go do something else. writting is really a good therapy for me. always has been... and i know i will be just fine.. just need to get my feelings out and on 'paper'

<3

Spoiling...family.. moving.. a little of everything...

I remember my opinion of military kids used to be that they were spoiled. Well, my opinion as to why has changed a little bit.. for some... Dealing with brody and having to move has been a little tough for me just because i know that he is a lot like me and family and good friends is very important to him, however, he is really good at making new friends and adjusting, and he is not shy like i remember myself being. but he is a lot like me, so i know he feels pretty bad about leaving his friends. he has made 2 REALLY good friends here, and even though he is only 5, he cries about having to leave them and pretty much everything HE knows.. i can relate. i had to move to maine when i was 13, then to FL 3 years ago, and i know how much it can hurt leaving everything youve ever known. i know he is just a kid, but brody is different...

SO, i look at spoiling now, as a way to overcompensate i guess. Brody would have been graduating preschool with his friends the first week of june. with mark having to do training, and a few other things, we have to leave earlier. this means everyone else in brodys class talks about graduation and many of the kids will go to kindergarten together, and they get to celebrate. brody isnt going to be able to do those things, and he is a little sad about it. ive been feeling lately like i just want to give him stuff to make him feel better...

military is bitter sweet.. a piece of the bitter end of it is for some kids the ones that like having a best friend (like i did) who they do everything with and grow together and then look back and say 'ive known so and so since i was 4' (like i can)isnt going to happen for brody. for me when i was a kid i LOVED that. granted he will only be about 10 by the time were done with the military but still... right now it makes me feel bad. ill feel better later lol.

the other thing is the sense of belonging. Rhode island is where i was raised, New england is my home, specifically maine, i love going back 'home' home has kind of been more like... wherever the majority of my family is in new england, and im ok with that. for brody, he doesnt have a place where he was raised.. hes just here and there and everywhere. when i talk about home to him, im talking about new england where our family is. idk if he feels that is home to him though, like i do because i was born and raised there.

SO i have planned for brody a birthday party at his school if it is approved, so since he cant graduate with his friends, he can have his very own special moment, focused on him, at school, and this way he wont feel too bad about missing the graduation. also, i keep stressing to him that we can go back home to see our family and that makes him happy. i overcompensate with my love too and feel i have to tell my babies every day, multiple times, what good boys they are and how much i love them etc... i want them to feel ok about this life style. it isnt a bad one, im not particularly comfortable with it, but this is the choice mark and i made and there are a lot of other good things about it too... so we have to work with what we have and eventually we will have a place that is OUR home, where we stay, and the kids wont be too old, and then they can start making good long lasting friendships.

Family is extremely important for me, and that is not just including the people living under my roof..and in a way moving away from them has grown me closer to them than they probably understand unless they leave everyone behind like i did. or unless i mean THAT much to them that they feel equally as close to me. I come off as a nut sometimes, i know, and emotional, but that is because i do care so much about them and time and life is precious. i dont want the people i love to ever wonder if i do care about them because im very open about my love for them :) its important if you love someone to tell them because as cliche as it sounds, you never know if something could happen.

'I suffer'.. really?

i rememebr as a kid and still, hearing my mother say 'i suffer from anxiety and depression.' SUFFER....

Ill never forget the first time i had my first anxiety attack, and then panic attacks later. whata horrible horrible feeling. not ust the physical feeling syou get in the moment, but the fear of having those feelings and consuming your life.

For a while, i allowed myself to suffer from my anxietya nd it held me back from doing quite a bit. unfortunately. i was pretty good at hiding my anxiety though of learning rituals to control my anxiety/panic if i was in public. i learned my triggers and AVOIDED them... by avoid, i mean, taking a cab home from school early to avoid taking the bus and risking having a panic attach adn people knowing, switching classes because of my anxiety when i started to date... i mean i could go on and on about how i 'controlled' this thing.

WELL things have changed over the years and instead of 'suffering' i refused to let that control me and what i do. i have 1 life, and so much i would want to do except i feared that anxiety and it being noticed by others.

To help myself, after highschool i started to really work on fixing this problem and facing my fears. in HS you would NOT get me to talk in front of the class.. oh no.. that was pretty much my number 1 fear and the thought of that made me panic. but i didnt want this to set me back...

to makea long story short... i startd small... volunteering was easier than being picked on in class, so i would volunteer to share my answers. at first it was aweful. id have a bottle of water... it ws cold, so i could use it to hold to distract myself from feeling hot and liek i was going to pass out... 'focus on the cold bottle and say what i have to say' ok.. tht went ok..

where i sat in class was important... i didnt want to see every face in the class, so the very back wasnt too good, adn the middle wasnt either, somewhere on the side... that was comfortable for me...

i cant possibly get into all the things i did, but you get the idea...

eventually, i did have to use medication to help me learn to deal with this. i was on medicine for a few months and used it as a tool, not something to stay on for the rest of my life and that worked really well!

then in 2005 i was in school again and pregnant, and then i had brody etc...

i made myself talk to people in my class, found a few decent people i could be friends with, made myself do presentations... it wasnt too hard becuase it was like i was talking in front of my friends. i discussed topics that were important to me, and educated myself well on the material...

then i had to take a communications class.. i HAD to do it for my MA program.. so i decided to get it out of the way... volunteered lol. this is where i got the most experience and really started to get even better. i cried the first speach i gave. mostly because it was a sad topic about deatha dn the first person i had to care for that died. im emotional and i could deal with my emotions ok, and if i did cry, it released more tention over just being scared to talk to people.. so i was ok with that. didnt think id actully cry until i got up there though... but i did... that connected me to the people in my class though.. much like when you first meet someone and you get into your first dissagreement witht hem or something... it brings you closer.. or when they tell yo something personal for the first time, you step into anothe rlevel in the friendship...

that is how i felt from that day on with those classmates. i heard some really detailed, personal info from them in their speaches also. at first, we could use the podium to hid behind, then we couldnt. i was ok with that as i got more comfotable. i started talking about other things important to me, i brought in my art to show them, and at the time, gardasil came out adn i had strong opinions about that, i was knowledgeable about it, so i felt very comfortable talking about that...

well since then my anxiety has been embraced and its no secret.. which is great!

i use my anxiety as a tool instead of saying i have this poor me... it is i have this and yeah its apart of me but it doesnt consume me.

we all have something literally noone is perfect thats great! lol.. i think as a teenager though it is more difficult to deal with just because the fear we have of others opinions of us once they know... they may think we are a freak or someting. i could care less today, but back then it was unspoken of! the older i get the more open people are to talk to me about their own problems.. people you wouldve thought in highschool who had it together, have problems too... go figure lol. so many people have anxiety of different levels, different triggers etc...

i havent had too many panic attacks since ive acknowledged this and shared it with people.. i dont make it the topic of choice when i first meet anyone lol, but eventually it comes up at some point... i usually have just anxiety and not panic attacks like i used to.

my anxiety has changed over the years where as before it was more social, now its more about my kids.. but its controlabe and im ok. like anything else we learn, it takes practice to become good at controlling it.

it is just anxiety, im not suffering, in pain, i have all my limbs, my health is good..etc.. im NOT suffereing!

what the 1950's has taught me...hehehe

I always feel like i dont belong in this time error. there is too much pain in families and individual people, many men i know unfortunately dont meet the standard of being great fathers and providing for their families, kids are so disrespectfu... people generally make life difficult for themselves these days.

Although i could not see myself conforming to certain ideas in the 1950's, like staying home with the kids for the rest of my life lol, the basic family traditions are what i wish everyone could experience today. To me, i love to cook and sit down together at the table adn eat, adn talk about our day, and everyone cleans up their own plates. my little boys at age 2 and 4 are taught certain things like the importance of earning... discipline, respecting adults, loving and depending on each other, contributing to the house by cleaning and letting the dogs outside etc... these are important things i feel that will set them up for success as adults. our society today is lazy. for our little boys today, what kind of men will they be tomorrow if they are not taught certain things at kids. they are someday going to be fathers most likely. we want great husbands adn fathers for our future some day.

My husband is excellent, not flawless lol, but he is perfect. i couldnt have asked for a better man. maybe this is because his parents are older and taught him from the beginning some of the things i mentioned. his mother is going to be 70 in december. one of the things i find funny is when mark and i first dated adn still toay actually, he always tried to open the door for me. well, i wasnt used to that and i never gave him the chance to get to the door before me.. to make a long story short, his mother taught him to hold the door open for her and it was just natural for mark to do the same for me. simple things like this i feel are worth the extra effort to teach our kids as parents.

brody holds the door open for me. i guess mark rubbed off on me a little bit lol. i dont make him, but now and then he does and he will hold it open for others too. its just a really kind act. it makes me feel happy too, to see a little old lady smile because a young boy held the door open for her. shes not used to that bahavior from the young kids these days.

I teach brody at this little age, how to respect women. i grew up in a home where that wasnt seen too often and it is very important. Brody and ethan used to pick flowers in the front of our house and take them to school for their teachers. when brody liked a little girl he brought her a flower. this is one of the many many things i teach my kids. While they are little and i have control of them i want them to get so used to the idea of being this way to females (elders, family etc..)that is just becomes second nature. i also teach them not to be walked all over too lol. to protect themselves, that just because they are good litlte men, doesnt mean they dont deserve respect also. if they dont like the way someone is treating them, i teach them to voice that and work out their problem instead of running from it.

Something else that i feel is important is the stress of loving your siblings even if you dont like them. it hurt me when i heard brody say to ethan 'your not my brother anymore'. it hurt because i have seen the fights my brothers used to get into, i know THAT is inevitable lol, but as adults, my brothers arent all super close, they probably arent too confident that they could totally rely on the other... some of this is because the way they treated each other in the past. while i can control my boys, like i said earlier, i want to teach them to grow together and love each other... be a support system for each other. there should never be anything that makes them never want to be close or talk to each other when they are adults.. so lets never do anything to hurt each other that badly. its too easy these days, in my own family anyways, for people to just shut off and not talk to months or even years and it is too too bad. but thats another blog topic :)

Breaking the chain-family (you WILL relate)

Another old post worth sharing:

Monday, June 23, 2008
"an original wounding"
Current mood: calm

I was talking to my friend jenny tonight and religion came up..and lack of also..

and she found this unitarian church in pensacola so i thought i would check out the home page, then i came across somethign i felt like sharing. the title was "Breaking the Chain" and i say that a lot when i talk about my own parents and myself..so i felt like sharing this with everyone who would be interested. its a bit long though, but its interesting.

it does give some light to why i feel the way i do sometimes. especially with this move to FL, and old friends, and myself feeling like people just dont care sometimes. i know its probably not the case, but still.. i get discouraged because every good friend i meet, it is very hard for me to let go when i need to. i hate having relationships end.. its very hard for me, and if its worth it, ill fight 'til the bitter end to save my friendships/relationships. ..and with my mother..this does apply. i get angry with her for some things she couldnt help, others she probably couldve.. and im sure someday my kids will feel the same if theyre like me.

i see so much of brody in me, he needs extra mommy time..extra attention to know that he is loved and cared about... he needs me to TELL him im proud of him and hes a good boy...much like what i feel i needed..and not for any reason at all..just because, and maybe my mom didnt see that? idk... but hopefully i can give my children what they need based on what they need individually (emotionally, physically.mentally..etc..) not every person responds in the same way.

so ...happy reading :)

"Breaking the Chain"

March 9, 2008

Rev. Julie Kain

Unitarian Universalist Church of Pensacola







Every person in this room today and every person outside of this room has experienced early in our lives what I am going to refer to as "an original wounding." This means that somewhere and sometime when we were young, every one of us was presented with one particular situation that caused us to feel deeply hurt. Some particular situation in our early life caused some kind of original wounding in the very heart of our psyche or being.



It could have arisen from a variety of situations, but most often this original wounding happens in the context of our family dynamics. That is, some kind of difficult and challenging habit of interaction into which we were born by destiny of fate. You know some people say –"we don't pick our parents in life." But a few other people say that "even though we don't pick our parents in life, there is something within each of us where our greatest learning in life comes from the challenge we are presented by some part of our relationship with our parents, or whoever was our primary caregiver in,what we can refer to as, our family of origin.



This "original wounding" has such a distinctive impact on the fabric of our personal being, that we often and most unknowingly will frame subsequent difficulties and challenges we encounter in our lives through a perceptual lens that is tainted, you might say, with the original wounding.



For example, perhaps when you were young your mother was compelled by circumstance to be unavailable to you. Perhaps she had to work outside of the home for instance, or maybe it was a relationship in her life that demanded primary attention from her, and left you with a mother who was not involved primarily with you. She was perhaps both physically and emotionally distant from you at a time in your life when she was one of your primary relationships.



And so to continue with this example, if your particular "original wounding" in life came from this kind of being hurt, what you might call a sense of abandonment or even rejection in your relationship with your mother, later in your life whenever you get close to someone, perhaps a good friend or maybe your first love relationship, if something difficult happens in that later relationship, you are likely to experience it in a similar way to this original wounding with your mother. The outside circumstances may be totally different but your internal perception of them will be filtered through the lens of your experience with abandonment or rejection. You will perceive this other person as behaving in a way which is familiar to you because you feel this sense of being hurt. This particular kind of loss. You may even unconsciously anticipate being hurt like this in your next closest relationship and have what we often hear called "trust issues." That is you are hesitant to trust another person for fear of being hurt, like you were hurt before.


This is an example of "original wounding" and somehow until we are able to work through consciously how we came to cope with this original situation, we tend to find it as a repeating pattern in our lives. we will see it occurring in other relationships and situations.

We may see it happening actually even in situations where it may not be warranted. For example, your first best friend disappoints you by choosing to do something with someone else rather than going to a movie with you. You respond by feeling that your best friend is going to leave you or abandon your friendship, or that they are somehow rejecting you. You take it perhaps too personally that they are going to do something with someone else. You make it mean something big about you when your best friend may simply be making a small decision that actually has no bearing on their feelings of affection and appreciation of you.



We naturally and unconsciously tend to re-experience an earlier painful situation, in our attempts to come to terms with it, to understand or figure out why this happened. Was the pain you felt caused by something you did wrong or some bad quality in you that somehow deserves this rejection or abandonment?



It is incredibly common, especially in young people, that we tend to make sense of something that has happened by internalizing the responsibility for it. "It was my fault that this happened", we tell ourselves. Does this sound familiar to you? Can you recall a situation in your life when you were young when you felt you had somehow caused a mishap and it turned out that it didn't even have to do with you really?



And so one of the major ways we have found to overcome the challenges we carry in ourselves as a result of an original wounding, is to bring our conscious awareness to the pattern as it manifests in our lives. At some point along the way, the child whose mother had to work, or whose mother was preoccupied with a daunting and problematic relationship in her life, that child comes to realize that her behavior had more to do with these other circumstances than it had to do with him or her. What we thought and experienced as abandonment and rejection was not intended by the mother. It happened but it was not her intention to abandon or reject.


It's good to find a way to reflect on the original woundings in our lives. We are presented with a painful and difficult situation early in our loves and we find ways to cope with that. These coping mechanisms work in our loves to manage the difficult parts, but when we keep using them even in other kinds of situations that don't warrant them, we fall into a cycle which limits us. We can end up defining ourselves by this original sorrow and overusing the ways we found to cope with it. We can fall into a destructive cycle that repeats itself in different areas of our lives. In our attempts to protect ourselves from being hurt again, we cut ourselves off from other people and even from parts of ourselves. The cycle is a destructive one because it limits who we are and our interactions with other people. We inadvertently set ourselves up to actually be hurt in the same kinds of ways again and again like a self-fulfilling prophecy.





Wayne Muller in his book Legacy of the Heart, the Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood writes—

"When we are hurt as children, we can quickly learn to see ourselves as broken, handicapped, or defective in some essential way." Muller brings his background as a therapist and a Harvard Divinity school graduate to his writing. He continues in the introduction of his book by saying "you are not broken; childhood suffering is not a mortal wound, and it did not irrevocably shape your destiny. You need not remove, destroy or tear anything out of yourself in order to build something new. Your challenge is not to keep trying to repair what was damaged; your practice instead is to reawaken what is already wise, strong and whole within you, to cultivate those qualities of heart and spirit that are available to you in this very moment."


Whether the original wounding in our lives left us with invisible patterns such as the inability to easily trust another person, or with the more visible patterns of physical or substance abuse, we are all capable of growing beyond these difficult limitations.



In the same way that our individual sorrow and suffering is a universal human experience, we all have access to tools for healing old wounds. There is a love in our lives that will not let us go.



May we each have the courage to look honestly at our lives and to take the steps that loosen us from the limiting patters we have inherited from the past. May we cultivate compassionate patience with the other people who have touched our lives. May we learn that the scars of our past have the power to teach us great strength and true wisdom. May we maintain our sense of worth and dignity even in the face of thoughtless and pain-provoking behavior on the part of others.


May we break through the chains of our past to embrace the fullness of this moment and the bright possibility of tomorrow.



Amen and Blessed Be.

Sushi and babies

I have SO much to write about but ill save it for another time.

so were in Chicago visiting marks side of the family. Tonight we decided to take the boys out for sushi... a nice, fairly quiet place. They are usually pretty good when we take them out. this place was not extremely kid friendly, but for my boys i thought we would be ok. HA.

So they put a couple behind us who you can tell have no kids. i see the mans head shaking now and then, his hand go up near his head now and then lol. i can tell he was a little annoyed, BUT if he only knew the adventure we had been on over the last week, and that i was trying my best to keep them happy.. they really werent THAT bad, they were just being kids! and ethans voice is naturally loud at times. they shouldve sat somewhere else and things would be fine. anyways...

so im going to make this kind of short because i need to get to bed!

well you know how you get glasses of water? ethan decided to dip his napkin in the water so he could wash his face... his WHOLE face lol. he left half of his napkin in the glass. so we had to give it to the waitress. no big deal. i brought crayons, and paper, i try to go anywhere prepared. ok, so were all just coloring... ethans fussing.. 'hey i dont want crayons, i want markers' well, i had no markers. eventually he decided he did want to color.

then all of a sudden i hear 'i farted' from ethans mouth... oh ethan shush!! lol. that was the first of about 2 or 3 times he said that. hes 2! were trying to teach him whats acceptable and whats not.. hes usually very polite ut hes not used to eating in a palce where it is so quiet. i guess. lol.

so then he is eating his rice, finally! after some convincing and almost having to take him to the bathroom so he could stop complaining... but we didnt need to. so anyways he drops the spoon and the damn thing breaks! it was the kind of spoon i got with my miso soup... so we sent that back to the kitchen.

then brody is wanting shrimp.. but i think since the museum he has been concerned about certain foods being 'real' or 'alive' so i have to get into a littl discussion about the food... i explain the shrimp was alive once, but its not now. so he tells me to eat it first then he will eat it. so i do. gladly btw... i love seafood! finally he tries it and thats all he eats for dinner.. that was ok by me at that point. he IS a good eater so ah well.. one time is ok.

so brody tries a piece of sushi... he likes the inside, but not the seaweek wrap part... 'thats gross' he says loud ..... uuhhh 'brody...shoosh!' he also made a loud comment about the smell of it lol. 'that stinks!'

so then i order them ice cream so i can enjoy my meal... hey i paid a good penny for this meal and its not often we get to do this ...i will never see these people again and my kids WILL learn to eat in nice restaurants.. they HAVE to learn so we can all go out together. and like i said, this was unexpected, theyre usually not that bad.

so then theyre eating their ice cream, its japanese style so its kind of got a flim on the outside, its kind of thick, and ethan is trying to 'cut' through it and all of a sudden "SMASH!!" the damn bowl falls on the floor beneath us and breaks... UUHHHH ETHHHAAANNNNN! lol. i felt a little stupid. lol. but its not like we caused such a scene, it was in my head though that we were, but most people, aside from that one couple, didnt notice our table. i dont think. lol.

so the staff were SOOOOO nice, and cleaned it up. i felt like more of a jerk because they have no idea who we are and about our traveling and busy schedule, and that my boys are good kids.. they probably thought they were little brats for all i know, but it didnt show if so.. because really they were SO helpful!

so finally moments later we get our check and leave and i had a LONG talk with both boys on the way home about appropriate ways of acting in a restaurant and la-de da-de da... like all you moms have probably told your kids... lol. so they came home and went to bed very well and tomorrow is a new day!!

'You Lost' ...and a baseball story

To get Brody and Ethan moving their bum-bums in the morning ill have them race to get dressed, but Brody is usually slower than Ethan just because Brody is just not paying attention. so I usually hear ethan say 'oh yeah I won!' and Brody feels sad... so anyways It has helped Brody to get dressed faster, adn pretty much anything I want them to do, if they are not doing it I make a game of it...

SO I did this to get them in the car too (get their belts on and stuff etc... just to get out the door and to school on time!) so anyways, lately i hear Brody saying 'Oh yeah I won, you lose!' Then Ethan would say the same thing...'You lose!' whenever he would win...well i didnt like that... 'you lose'?????

So i explained to my boys, ' you finished first, he finished second....everyone won because you didnt give up. you only lose when you give up' Brody seems to really understand this.

When Brody played baseball we were pretty srtict with him finishing a game. he decided he wanted to play he was going to finish the game even if that meant he just sat on the bench or stood in the outfield, he was going to be there with his team.. he was apart of that team. I dont want him to get used to giving up so easy and it being ok. if he really really hated baseball i wouldnt make him go, but he did like it. he just got side tracked here and there now and then especialyl in the beginning when they were all just learning...(well it was a little boring sometimes!)

i remember hearing one grandmother of another kid say 'that boy doesnt want to be here he should go home' talking about brody, not knowing i was his mom. i ignored it but i really wanted to give her a piece of my mind because hes just a kid.. he was having an off day...

funny thing though is that at next practice, her grandson was fussing, crying, whinning, not wanting to play and well he didnt go home. they had him stick it out... but the grandmother wasnt there that day...unfortunately! kinda wish she got to see that so she could see all kids have bad days!

ok so back to my story...

so i started thinking about that statement in the adult world and how true i feel that really is. we dont lose until we give up. we are not losers unless we giveup. I started thinking about some of the decisions i know others have made and if they are, by my statement well... a loser lol. and the outcome is YES because they gave up on something they could have worked harder on. Like Dr. Phil says (lol) dont give up until you have tried absolutely everything, everything in your power... mostly speaking on marriages and divorce, but i agree with this.

So then i started to think about my schooling, and replacing the word 'loser' with 'failure' i am not a failure until i give up, before all other options were tried. and im certainly not ready to do that. I havent tried everything yet. With everything i do i try to do it with all of me...all that is inside of me. Same goes for my close relationships and trying everything i can to salvage the important ones.. upkeep them, kind of like a spring cleaning...make a phone call if its been a while... send a note..whatever... you get my point...

with relationships they all need a little tweak now and then or a clean up... you part a little, get close again...etc... this is just the way it is and its ok.

I have a best friend who i have known for 22 years and not all of those 22 years did we get along, or were always hanging out, etc... mostly in middle school we kind of drifted a little bit, but we were still friends and friendly. we found other friends too, and then eventually we got closer again and now still she is one of the 3 people i consider my 'best' friend'. she definitely holds the number 1 spot though because weve known eachother SOOOOOOO long.

Avoidance

If there is anything i dislike, its avoidance.

I am a fixer... i like to think i can fix people, fix situations, make everything all better, find some kind of balance...etc.... i just want to help!!

If there is problem i want to solve it.
I can also understand how this could be annoying to some people who just dont like confrontation or just need a break and dont wanan talk about it at the time.

I like to repair my relationships with people and talk to people i havent talked to in 5, 10, 20 years. to me IT IS FUN! and yes i realise i run the risk of learning something about them i may not want to know or the possibility of me being hurt by them. im not blind to that, but it is a chance im willing to take in some cases. sometimes, however, things become too much and i just have to pull away from them. I dont just avoid them though usually theres an explanation, i just dont like to leave people hanging. and chances are things will change again, relationships change again because people changes... life changes... i dont give up on people too easily, BUT im also not stupid. i do think about the consequences of inviting someone in my life, i confide in my closest friends and some family... so when things go wrong yeahhhh they may say 'i told you so' or think it, but i also, i always knew i was taking that chance for things to go wrong and i was ok with that choice.

the power of LOYALTY (and how to become a loyal person)

Some of this i am just going to copy and paste to use from another website, because it is so great. my promise to myself is that i will strive to be a loyal person. At times, i feel as though i give and give myself, especially my heart and ear, to my friends and family, and this can be taken advantage of. I dont want to be mistaken for being a push over, because im not

so as mentioned in the previous post... i discovered loyalty... the word that defines what i have been striving to work towards without putting a word to it until now. I have good days and bad days, and days where i have so much built up inside of me i just want to explode on some people... my way to redirect that explosion is to frankly.. bitch about it to my best friend, or write about it and usually 9 out of 10 times i delete it after ive chilled out...

So anyways here it is:

We live in a world where selfishness seems to be the rule of the day, and personal gain the objective of most relationships and endeavors. One of the most honorable character traits a person can develop is the ability to be loyal, whether to family, friends, an employer, or clubs and organizations to which we may belong.

1. Understand what being loyal means. You must be willing to allow your own interests to take second place to be truly loyal to another person or cause. Loyalty is simply the act of putting someone or something else ahead of one's self.

2. Be willing to sacrifice. Being loyal in a patriot sense, as in loyal to one's country, has placed millions in harm's way in wars throughout history. The people who serve in the modern military are loyal to their nation, its flag, and the purpose they serve for. Being loyal to a friend or your own family can also require sacrifice.

3. Take time to look at the needs of whomever will have your loyalty. To take steps of loyalty, you need to recognize that it is a deliberate effort, and to be truly loyal to someone, you have to be willing to invest yourself, your time and energy in them.

4. Ask yourself if what or who you are offering your loyalty to is worthy of the investment. Is the person or organization who asks for your loyalty worthwhile?

5. Consider the benefits of loyalty. This may be most obvious in the case of employment. Being a loyal employee often creates its own rewards, with increases in pay, job security, and respect from your employer. Being a loyal employer, who is willing to look after your employees, will give them incentive to be more dedicated and productive for you.

6. Weigh the costs of being loyal. You should always structure the hierarchy of your loyalties according to your valuation of their importance. If being loyal to a group or club creates negative influence in your family or other social circumstance, it may not be worthwhile to continue that loyalty.

7. Balance your loyalties with the day-to-day needs of your own life and your family Being loyal to a volunteer group or social organization at the expense of taking time for your family may result in suffering loss in your personal relationships.

8. Look for reward and appreciation in your efforts to be loyal. Being loyal to an unappreciative person or group is not very rewarding, and although this implies a selfish motivation for your loyalty, it is a practical thing to expect the person or group to which you give your loyalty to be loyal to you in return.

IMPORTANT

I write with the intent ((usually)) of not hurting anyone, but just as a way to get my feelings out so sometimes i will write about a situation to vent, then later on delete it because it makes me feel better. Also, i may write about a situation and leave names out just because, at the time, i am venting, and thats one of my main ways to release some of my feelings.

The other day, i had made a post about feeling pretty bad about misunderstandings, and i am very glad to say taht the most mportant relationship within that, has been fixed... it never was really 'broken' as i said before, things were being worked through and so i couldnt be happier.

I am a person that has heavy emotions when it comes to my friends and family i love so much, and with everything in me, that certain things to any other person that may not be a big deal, are huge to me. dont get me wrong though, i am still with a tough outer skin when i need it GRRRRR!!! lol!!

truth is i just want happiness for myself. ive gotten very good at managing my relationships with people and being honest with not only friends and family, but myself. honesty is huge for me and loyalty.

LOYALTY... i was watching Wendy Williams today (how you doiiiiinnn!!!) lol and there was some chit chat about loyalty and family loyalty especially. in the next post, im going to talk more about loyalty. it never really hit me until now, the word and the actual definition adn what it means to a family...and how little loyalty i feel much of my own family has, and how i feel i have been working on this for several years. i plan to continue.

.. actually...i guess i should say there are a good handful of people who are loyal to me in my family (and friends)... theres a small portion who isnt. (of the people i consider important to me) when i refer to feeling much of my whole family has little loyalty to me, im referring to people i usually dont talk to... some i dont talk to anymore at all.