EEEhhhh

So mark is getting ready to leave bright and early tomorrow. He will be gone for about 6 weeks. There is no one that can tell me 'thats the life style' i hate that.. yes, it is, yes i knew these things would happen, but no matter how many notifications you get about a loved one leaving for any length of time or how well you think you have prepared, you cant tell your feelings and mind to shutup... its like having a baby.. you can read all the books and get all the knick knacks, but your still not ever really ready...

i know for sure if i was near loved ones this would be so much easier to deal with. but then again i just dont feel like i really belong anywhere. we havent had time to settle here all together yet, so i feel like part of me is still scattered. i dont feel like home is RI, maine, or here. if anywhere, florida is where i feel i left a lot behind because thats where we spend the majority of our lives as a family..

im trying to get brody ready for school and soccer and im glad he will be very occupied. i am trying to start school again in january and im not sure how im going to do all of this and if mark will be leaving again for weeks at a time, if the school will be flexible with my schedule... and i doubt it. its a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and im going to have to deal with that when the time comes...all i do know is i have to get my ass in school and finish even if it mentally kills me. its 18 months of hell i had started to do before, and i will and can do it again.

..but for now, i have mark leaving tomorrow. i have to look at things in chunks. this is the 6 week chunk.. so for 6 weeks i have to figure out what im going to do, how im going to deal with it... then when he gets home, thats another chunk, then school in january, thats another chunk...etc... so these 6 weeks....eh...

ive been feeling a little depressed now and then just because im lonely and here by myself without much to do or anywhere to go. and if i do go somewhere, its no fun being alone, or just with the kids.. all the time. so if i do go anywhere or do anything, its because im making myself because i know if i dont ill get even more depressed and the kids need to get out and do things. i dont even know that i really want to meet people around here right now. if i had it my way, i would just hang around the house all day and not get dressed, watch tv, sleep, eat... lol.. but i cant... thats not a good idea.

so instead ive been exercising lately, and trying to get out atleast 3 times a week, even if its just to a store to look around. i enjoy my glass of wine at night, and taking care of the yard as needed, painting my nails, getting dressed, doing my daily routine stuff to keep that habbit going... and when i need to talk to adults, i have FB, my phone, and my good neighbor.

im just going to hope i can get through these next 6 weeks, and actually, the next 7 days... ill start with that. after 7 days, things should start feeling ok again... once the newness of mark being away again wears off. then ill deal with brodys school, soccer... etc...

so my goal is to get through the next 7 days, keeping everyone happy, cooking meals, living as if mark was right here in the other room. playing my music, watching funny tv shows, playing games with the boys, things like that...

im definitely not cut out to be a military wife lol. well, i am, because i dont have a choice but im not. it takes a lot of self discipline for me to do what i do. i hate being alone, sleeping alone, the dark, i like having mark do certain things for me... but along the way i have learned to do a lot more for myself than i had before... like loading that stinking dish washer, putting away the laundry not just folding it, mow the grass even when its hot out, take the trash to the end of the road etc... idk if other wives are like me and they just dont talk about their feelings like i do, i know i cant be the only one to have these things runnign through my mind.

and the kids.. they actually help keep me more sane than insane, because i have them here, i have to do certain things for them to be happy and live 'normal'... they depend on me to get up every day and put a smile on my face and make life happen.

well i guess this i should go do something else. writting is really a good therapy for me. always has been... and i know i will be just fine.. just need to get my feelings out and on 'paper'

<3