Mental health

Its no secret that i love mental health. Ive taken so many classes for mental health/psychology and it never gets old to me. I have to say my absolute favorite part of nursing school (ok my top 3) is mental health. several reasons for this. number one being that i come from an interesting family and as i explain it, thanks to them they helped me pass pretty much any psych class ive ever taken especially my psychiatric mental health nursing class.

Heres the thing...i have anxiety. ive had it since i was about 12 that i knew of, before i even knew what it was. i remember the first experience i really had was when i was in the car with one of my best friends and remember describing to her that i felt fake. now if youve never experienced this feeling it can be pretty scary and it can put you into a fight or flight mode and escalate to panic sometimes.

I talk pretty openly about my anxiety. infact, i welcome anyone to talk to me about it. to me, it is what it is, it is a part of who i am and im ok with it. ive also noticed since moving to cali people seem to not talk about issues like this openly. not sure if it is the area im in or if i am misreading this.. who knows. but i know back home and among the people i met east coast.. people are pretty open about it.

when i was in middle school i was pretty embarrassed about it. i felt like i was the only one with this weird thing..why the hell couldn't i do a presentation without feeling ill, or worrying about what anyone thinks.. ugh...so frustrating.

this blog can get pretty lengthy but ill keep it to a minimum :) ill try...

so back to middle school. now that was just an awkward time in life anyways and just everyones eyes on me...gah! i wanted to run. but i went through with my presentations anyways. praying to god for it to end quickly. my best friend also had anxiety so we kind of bonded that way and joked about our anxiety even though it was very real, it helped make us feel better.

then in high school it was at its absolute WORSE. when i say worse i mean i would pay 10 bucks sometimes just so i didn't have to ride the bus. i avoided presenting at all cost, i wanted to cry trying to explain to the teacher that i just couldn't do it. i would skip class because of this sometimes. not because i didn't want to be there (not always anyways) but sometimes. i always thought this was just not normal. no one else seemed to act like this or felt like i did. what the hell was wrong with me?

i mean, i had moved from rhode island to maine and i was PISSED for...well, for ever it seemed lol. until i became an adult and realized what a good move it actually was for me. so that made my problem worse. i was the new kid, with a weird accent, had no time to prepare myself for the move (if you know me you know i like notice so i can mentally and physically prepare)i was a teenager and felt like my world as i knew it was crashing down on me. at the time i had a lot of issues with my parents and i was going through that weird teenage stuff like when you feel like your feet are too big or your arms are too long..your face breaks out lol... so i was just pissed at the world for a while. a good...looooonnng while.

ok i was digressing a bit.. back to the anxiety...

so i avoided really making friends then the friends i did eventually make, some of them were into some bad habits but we got along and i felt accepted and looking back it was what it was and i wouldn't have changed it. but i just flat out didn't give a shit in 9th grade.

10th grade is when i started to care more, and made friends and knew i was there in maine there was not much i could do about it. i started wanting to make better grades. i attended school more often and skipped classes less. now really my biggest problem was the presenting still.

one other story i will share with you is that in 10th grade i met my high school sweet heart and we were in the same english class. well, he was more outgoing and actually added to my anxiety. after about a month of dating i just had to get out of that class. i think because he was a distraction and people knew we dated...something about that atmosphere and attention being drawn to us.. i just had to get out of there. so i did. it was really hard to try to explain to my teacher why i had to switch my class. i really liked that teacher a lot too but my anxiety had won. i lied to her.. my reasoning for leaving that class because i thought it was pretty stupid that a boyfriend could honestly bring this much anxiety out in me...during class. what the hell. well, i didnt really lie, but sort of.

so 11th and 12 grade were pretty similar, im going to digress a bit here again so skip to the next paragraph if you are so over with my digressing...although i started to show my sweeter side of who i was and dropped some of my bitchy "city girl" attitude....i wasnt a bitch, i just had an attitude and actually most people would disagree with me but i felt bitchy. lol. probably in part to being a teenager and life was kind of competitive especially at work. me and a friend of mine at work were always pissing each other off. we had a love hate relationship, trying to be top dog, but really, we just weren't. but we did try! i mean, we could slap the hell out of pizza dough and multitask like no other but it was just pizza. we were both good workers...teenagers trying to gain control. ahhh those were the good old days :) If i was one of the elders working there i probably would've stuffed he and i in the freezer during shift :) and also, being called a bitch by the people who were supposed to help build my self esteem, amongst other names.. but thats a whole other story.

OK.. heres where we pick up the anxiety story again lol. :) so.. i started college and im pretty sure somewhere within this blog site theres a post about this, so i wont get much into it, but i wanted control of it, i had enough of the BS with anxiety taking over who i was and who i wanted to be. funny thing is out of school i was different. in school i was kind of quiet and just hung with my friends at lunch and stuff... i mean i had friends in classes too but i just kind of stayed quiet i think not to draw attention to myself so i wouldn't panic. in high school.. it was panic attacks i was dealing with. out of my classrooms is where i could be myself. in the lunch room.. during break time. etc. in class forget it. hide me. my best defense against drawing attention was hiding in my hoodie.

i went through a thing where i used to like to wear my jackets and hoodies because i guess maybe it was almost like a security blanket. i could hide. problem was... that hoodie would get hot thus resulting in panicking sometimes when attention was drawn on me. you see how this cycle works? it is so vicious when it is out of control.

now if you are reading this and have anxiety, maybe you are sitting there shaking your head in agree-ance with some of these things ive mentioned. if you haven't experienced it, you may think knowing all this now about me that maybe you didnt, that i was tapped lol! and i cant say i blame anyone for feelign like that because a person who hasn't dealt with it just doesn't know the feeling... just doesn't understand how this could happen. i know.. i know. and i especially know because my mother has/had anxiety bad...waaay back when it was kind of thought to be "crazy" and us kids made fun of her horribly. we did. then i got this and thought oh shit.. im turning into my crazy mother.

...the good thing about that though is i've seen how my mom dealt with her problem which really made me consider my own issues and how i would deal with them. i had a few options at this point in life. i could drop out of college and give into this anxiety.. i could get medication... go to counseling... read books to self educate about this... hide in my hoodie for the rest of my life... i mean the possibilities were really endless lol.

i decided to do a combination of things which again i know somewhere around here i've mentioned in detail before.. (i think!) so ill keep it brief but basically what i did was everything i could. counseling, medicine, self educate, talking openly about my problem etc... and it all worked! it took a little time but it worked.

my main thing is i didn't want to be like a particular person, on medication for the rest of my life. the good news was I didn't have to. the bad news for me was that sometimes people really need medication and i could have been one of them but my view was already tainted about meds. i wanted to avoid them like the plague. over the years my view has changed about that and no one should be ashamed for needing to take medicine for a mental health issue.

for me though, i had really wanted to try to stay off the medicine. long story short.. i decided my little rituals weren't working any more, i was getting older and needed to get over my fears. so what did i do? i took the meds LOL!! BUT...i used themt o help me and only used them as long as i felt i needed to.

what i did was my second year of college i remember sitting in a class and i had to speak from my chair. i knew my turn was coming to speak.. now im going to walk you though my feelings... "im sitting here in my chair... theres about 10 people that have to speak before i do.. i know my turn is coming up, my hands are sweating, im swallowing about 20 times, my throat is dry.. i need water... but now after if taken a few sips i have too much fluid in my mouth what if i spit... ok ok.. theres just 4 people left now.. i feel like im getting hot, im gonna pass out. let me take my jacket off. i need to touch something cool so i can put it on the back of my neck because im gonna pass out if i dont. ok theres 1 person in front of me now.. omg.. ok ok how am i gonna start this.. ok jacquie i just gotta do this and not think about feeling like a freak.. deep breath, another swallow, another palm check yup still clammy.. ok my turn.." then i speak and while im speaking i feel like everyone can see im having anxiety but really, they probably didnt at all. i dont think anyone ever noticed. i mean i didnt get to say all i wanted to saya dn i wasnt too confident but i did it and before i know it my fight or flight response has chilled out and things are ok.

SO soon after that episode (it was in an english class btw...another freakin english class lol) i decided to try the zoloft. nothing too high, just 50mg.. something to help me out so i could help myself.

i felt like things were getting better. i used it for maybe under a year, learned how to deal with this, then got off the medicine.

now my next challenge was interesting. now i went through the cna schooling ok i was pregnant with brody.. did fine. used all the skills i taught myself while i was on my medicine. enrolled into my medical assisting program an found out OH i HAVE to take a speach class! unfreaking believable. an entire semester dedicated to my anxiety trigger. you kidding me??

well, instead of freaking out and stamping my feet, i decided now was a perfect time to take advantage of this class, volunteer to take it sooner rather than wait until the last possible moment when i wouldn't have a choice (having a choice really helped me manage my anxiety) so i took the class, got an A in it, did great and that really opened some amazing doors for me!

the only way to get over a fear is to face it head on. now i know for some people, this can be debilitating and really hard to do, you have to do it when you're ready, and if you ever feel you are ready to do it. if you are never ready then to each his own. only we know our own bodies and what we are capable of trying.

for years i stayed off any medicine. about 4 years? and i did really well off of it. i started RN school and like they say in nursing school if you weren't on medication when you started, you will be LOL! so true!


so the goal is to manage anxiety. it is never ever going to go away. i no longer take the zoloft. im starting to go swimming now that the weather is nice. yoga helps, my gardening, and remembering to let loose everyone now and then. go to dinner with mark and live in that moment and worry about school when i get home and have to study. its important to take care of ourselves mentally as well as physically.




honestly, i could go on forever with this however i have to be at clinical tomorrow morning so i suppose now is a good time to stop. That and if you actually are still reading this...holy crap!:D have a good night.

Preschool Education in CA

I am sharing a few emails i have sent back and forth between 2 people. The first email is with the superintendant which i forward to the assemblymans secretary. i have a slew more, trying to get things to change, but i wont bore you all with them. its kind of repetitive anyways. i really am livid the way california is doing things. if theyre gonna have a preschool, then they need to do it right, and theyre not, and im annoyed. as a mother of a 4 year old who was denied preschool, for a 3 year old to be accepted... its b.s. i dont care what their parents income level is. YOUR KIDS 3.. THEY DONT NEED PRESCHOOL.. THEYRE NOT GOING TO KINDERGARTEN NEXT YEAR... anyways.. tell me.. am i the only one who sees a problem here?!?!?



On Jul 6, 2011, at 5:48 PM, Jacqueline Antepenko wrote:
Hi there. My name is Jacqueline Antepenko. We are new to the area. My husband is in the navy and we have just settled in our home on base. I have two children. My oldest will start first grade. My youngest, unfortunately, will not be going to preschool this year because of our INCOME status which outrages me. As many military families, we have lived in several states and I was hugely disappointed to find out my son cannot go to preschool based on the amount of money his father earned for his service in the military. I would have felt better if it was based on something such as an academic test and he tested too high to be considered for preschool.
What is the reasoning for basing entry into preschool on income alone? Does this mean that a child who is behind academically misses out on preschool if their parents make too much money? We have never had this problem before. This is a problem that several of us here in base housing are wanting more information on. It just seems very unfair.
A response would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely, Jacqueline Antepenko


From: rseaver@central.k12.ca.us
Subject: Re: Please respond
Date: Sat, 9 Jul 2011 09:50:45 -0700
To: pinky7284@msn.com

Jacqueline,
Central Union School District operates a "State Preschool" at three of our school sites. "State Preschool" is funded by the state and has specific requirements for both operation and enrollment. One of the criteria for enrollment is income eligibility. Over the last several years the state has also lowered the income level making it even harder for our military families to qualify. In fact if it goes any lower Central Union School District will have to cancel the preschool classes on the base.
If you're inclined to write letters or emails to political representatives, I might suggest you write and complain about the income level regarding "State Preschool" to either Assemblyman Valadao or Senator Rubio. I would really push the military service issue and deployment issues. If you would like more specific information on the income levels I would be happy to provide that information to you.
My personal belief is that the "State Preschool" should be available for all military dependents. Unfortunately, the state doesn't feel that way.
On another note, you have access to two great schools out at the base. Both Neutra and Akers have great reputation and history. I'm sure you'll enjoy either school.
Respectfully,
Ron Seaver
Superintendent
Central Union Elementary School District



SO, I forward this letter to this lady here Jane, who has been very very helpful and actually called me and is trying to settle this issue with me. Herers her reply:

From: Jane.Chakhlasyan@asm.ca.gov
To: pinky7284@msn.com
Date: Tue, 30 Aug 2011 11:15:57 -0700
Subject: RE: from the superintendant
Hi Mrs. Antepenko,
I do apologize for my delayed response, but I did get more information back from our contact within the CA Department of Education. Apparently, there are several allowances that can be considered exempt from being considered as part of your total income, with regards to the income eligbility. For example a housing allowance, or a uniform allowance that is provided for in each paycheck can be considered exempt from counting towards the total income that determines whether your child is eligible to attend the preschool on base. I have the link below to the latest bulletin regarding the fee schedule, and the name and contact number of the person who handles the Kings County schools. If you call Lupe Lopez, at 916-332-4275, and have the above information ready, then she can determine whether your income is within the eligibility or not. If that does not end up being the case, then we definitely want to look at this for potential legislation in the fall. Please keep me updated with the outcome, to let me know how else the Assemblyman can be of service. Thank you.
Here is the Web link to Management Bulletin 11-26 : http://www.cde.ca.gov/sp/cd/ci/mb1126.asp
Contact info:
Lupe Lopez 916-322-4275 llopez@cde.ca.gov

Jane Metcalf
Office Manager
Assemblyman David G. Valadao
559.585.7170 w
559.585.7175 f


From: Jacquie Santos-Antepenko [mailto:pinky7284@msn.com]
Sent: Tuesday, August 30, 2011 11:51 AM
To: Chakhlasyan, Jane
Subject: RE: from the superintendant
you are saying housing allowance should not be considered as a part of total income? because when i went to sign my child up for school back in june they did consider it as income.
Jacqueline Antepenko


From: Jane.Chakhlasyan@asm.ca.gov
To: pinky7284@msn.com
Date: Tue, 30 Aug 2011 11:56:19 -0700
Subject: RE: from the superintendant
That may be the case, when I spoke with our contact in the legislative division, he said that it was recent federal policy that had passed indicating there are exemptions, and he mentioned housing as an example. He said not all child care centers know about it, but double check with Lupe and let me know if you have any trouble, I can always follow up with our legislative liaison to confirm the information.
Jane Metcalf
Office Manager
Assemblyman David G. Valadao
559.585.7170 w
559.585.7175 f




After getting off the phone with Lupe, she had called Linda here who is the person I registered my boys with for school. I wasn’t too happy after I talked with Linda. I sent Jane another email. I didn’t get the answer I was hoping for from Linda…so this matter is still being looked into…thank you JANE!


I talked with someone named Tina at our school district about this. thats who Lupe referred me to talk with. I am so angry with this entire school system. apparently, you have to make $3,908 to qualify and i make $3,441 a month. add BAH and that is about a thousand more. Until the school district gets a letter stating the change has been made in July, they are running things the old way, and we are not even considered anyways because of the BAH. They are allowing 3 year olds, who will not be even going to kindergarten next year attend preschool just because their parent made less money than my husband did, and this is so frustrating it makes absolutely no sense why they would do this. This is about the kids education as I said before, not how much money someone has or does not have. My son is 4, he is going to kindergarten next year, but a 3 year old is getting a better education than he is and it is not fair. you guys are failing the kids who deserve to be in this program just because their parent makes too much money. Why wouldnt the state give priority to all 4 year olds first, then the 3 year olds if there is room, and why wouldnt they do this BEFORE the school year starts? we are already into our 3rd week of school and they still dont have all the kids enrolled into school. This also means that the 3 year olds, based on income, will have 2 years of preschool since they wont be in kindergarten for another 2 years IF their parent doesnt get a pay raise. Then, if the parent does get a pay raise to an E6, what happens? That child wont be able to go to preschool and it is basically like throwing away a years worth of learning that could have gone to a child who is now in kindergarten, and behind, because a seat in preschool was not given to them when they were 4. . do you see the problem here or am I missing something with the way the state is run?

Jacqueline Antepenko