One of our worse fears as parents is that something may be wrong with our children. my children are great, healthy, wonderful kids. I wish this for their future. Sometimes, we don't know there is Something different about our children until they are older.
...it is happening... the signs are clear...i've been through this... now... what do i do?
I wanted to come home and have a good cry is what i wanted to do. instead.. i blog. maybe someone else is in a similar position or maybe i can help someone.
My son is showing signs of anxiety. for the last 2 years little things have happened, and over the last few months it has gotten worse. Boy, this is a familiar story. My mother "suffers" from anxiety, it pretty much runs in my family. well say that. i am anxious, i had horrible panic attacks in high school, and my very first real episode of panic i was about 12.
Brody has become extremely anxious about death. this is really familiar to me, because i really remember this happening to me also as a little girl, but not to the point it drives my son to. when i was a kid, i remember thinking to myself.. the world just goes on and on and on??? there's no end? i just could not comprehend it. my little boy.. this was his problem tonight, as many times this is what hes afraid of. perfectly normal for this age group i understand, but my son had a full blown anxiety attack. im self diagnosis that btw, but after having this for so many years, i know it when i see it. so what do i do??...
my husband just came home after being away for over 2 weeks, we just got back from having an afternoon full of activities.. each boy got their hair cut... mommy got some new makeup, took a trip to target to look at legos and Nintendo games... then to game stop... and off to dinner. it was good. on our way home the sun is just about set, we are sitting in the car... my husband and i are talking when out of absolutely nowhere my son starts to freak out.. screaming in the car...mark and i look at each other in the dark, and hes kind of confused as to what happened but i know exactly what has happened.. and think i know what to do. My boy is worried about the world and that it isn't ever going to end and him living forever and ever.. a concept even i do not fully understand myself and it just instantly takes me back to being a little girl... wondering these same things myself. "why is this happening to my kid?"...
For his sake, i hope this goes away, but i know all too well it just may not be. so what do i do? i start with what i know, i start with everything ive read about anxiety, everything thats worked for me. i use touch to keep him as calm as i can in the moving vehicle.. put my hand on his knee, and just rub his knee...i teach him to breath... several times, just breathing... in 1-2-3 out 1-2-3- lets do that 5 times.. lets do that 1 more time.. lets focus on breathing.. lets try to minimize this anxiety so we can talk.
its late for them, near bed time.. he gets like this especially around this time. Once he is semi-calm.. i try to talk about something else. not to minimize his feelings, but the timing is all wrong for an in-depth convo about this topic... i ask about his day at school.. and he tells me he is learning math. we get talking about fractions. "you know mommy just isn't that great with fractions.. did you learn more about fractions after the homework assignment we went over together." once hes a bit more calm, i get more in depth about the math.. give an example of a math problem... mark chimes in... this is all working. he doesn't seem like he is in panic mode.. hes voice calmer.. hes able to focus on the question being asked and give appropriate answers...
we are near home and as we get closer he is back to normal as if nothing has ever happened. i really want to cry.. i feel like this is the beginning of me giving my kid the bad gene of anxiety.. but i also know, that at this little age of his, and with us being so close, its the perfect opportunity to teach him techniques and maybe this thing will either go away or at least not ever consume him. i don't want my kid to feel like a freak of nature.
these days, it is so common, so (we) he is lucky for that. many people have this. as a boy, and some day a man, i see how this could potentially threaten him in the future.
As of right now, well just keep trucking along and hope it gets better and if not, down the road we can go to a dr. but at this point, he is ok. he is an outgoing boy, and sometimes he gets a little embarrassed and i try to ease that for him, teach him ways to deal with that feeling. hes a lot like me in that aspect too. i also feel he is too young to get too in depth about my problem with anxiety, and just how bad i used to have it. that i think could make him more anxious, but for him to know we all have feelings like this sometimes, and we just have to figure out a way to live in this world with it, to me, that is important at this point. anxiety is not always a terrible thing, but when it gets to panic mode where you cant function or it consumes your life, that is different. At another time, if he brings the issue up of the world going on and on we will talk about it, or during the day when hes in a good mood, maybe i will hint at it a bit to see if he is ready to talk about it. to never bring it up again though would send a negative message to him i feel. "we brush things under the rug that we don't understand or that brings out an emotion in us that we don't want to deal with." not healthy.
we are also getting him into karate classes. He is a confident boy, but for more reasons than one, i feel activities like this, will build him up more, make him feel better about himself, and leave a hell of a lot less room for anxiety or anything that may be negative to him.
...one day at a time, well just work through it.
Showing posts with label venting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label venting. Show all posts
Monday, March 11, 2013
Monday, April 16, 2012
Mental health
Its no secret that i love mental health. Ive taken so many classes for mental health/psychology and it never gets old to me. I have to say my absolute favorite part of nursing school (ok my top 3) is mental health. several reasons for this. number one being that i come from an interesting family and as i explain it, thanks to them they helped me pass pretty much any psych class ive ever taken especially my psychiatric mental health nursing class.
Heres the thing...i have anxiety. ive had it since i was about 12 that i knew of, before i even knew what it was. i remember the first experience i really had was when i was in the car with one of my best friends and remember describing to her that i felt fake. now if youve never experienced this feeling it can be pretty scary and it can put you into a fight or flight mode and escalate to panic sometimes.
I talk pretty openly about my anxiety. infact, i welcome anyone to talk to me about it. to me, it is what it is, it is a part of who i am and im ok with it. ive also noticed since moving to cali people seem to not talk about issues like this openly. not sure if it is the area im in or if i am misreading this.. who knows. but i know back home and among the people i met east coast.. people are pretty open about it.
when i was in middle school i was pretty embarrassed about it. i felt like i was the only one with this weird thing..why the hell couldn't i do a presentation without feeling ill, or worrying about what anyone thinks.. ugh...so frustrating.
this blog can get pretty lengthy but ill keep it to a minimum :) ill try...
so back to middle school. now that was just an awkward time in life anyways and just everyones eyes on me...gah! i wanted to run. but i went through with my presentations anyways. praying to god for it to end quickly. my best friend also had anxiety so we kind of bonded that way and joked about our anxiety even though it was very real, it helped make us feel better.
then in high school it was at its absolute WORSE. when i say worse i mean i would pay 10 bucks sometimes just so i didn't have to ride the bus. i avoided presenting at all cost, i wanted to cry trying to explain to the teacher that i just couldn't do it. i would skip class because of this sometimes. not because i didn't want to be there (not always anyways) but sometimes. i always thought this was just not normal. no one else seemed to act like this or felt like i did. what the hell was wrong with me?
i mean, i had moved from rhode island to maine and i was PISSED for...well, for ever it seemed lol. until i became an adult and realized what a good move it actually was for me. so that made my problem worse. i was the new kid, with a weird accent, had no time to prepare myself for the move (if you know me you know i like notice so i can mentally and physically prepare)i was a teenager and felt like my world as i knew it was crashing down on me. at the time i had a lot of issues with my parents and i was going through that weird teenage stuff like when you feel like your feet are too big or your arms are too long..your face breaks out lol... so i was just pissed at the world for a while. a good...looooonnng while.
ok i was digressing a bit.. back to the anxiety...
so i avoided really making friends then the friends i did eventually make, some of them were into some bad habits but we got along and i felt accepted and looking back it was what it was and i wouldn't have changed it. but i just flat out didn't give a shit in 9th grade.
10th grade is when i started to care more, and made friends and knew i was there in maine there was not much i could do about it. i started wanting to make better grades. i attended school more often and skipped classes less. now really my biggest problem was the presenting still.
one other story i will share with you is that in 10th grade i met my high school sweet heart and we were in the same english class. well, he was more outgoing and actually added to my anxiety. after about a month of dating i just had to get out of that class. i think because he was a distraction and people knew we dated...something about that atmosphere and attention being drawn to us.. i just had to get out of there. so i did. it was really hard to try to explain to my teacher why i had to switch my class. i really liked that teacher a lot too but my anxiety had won. i lied to her.. my reasoning for leaving that class because i thought it was pretty stupid that a boyfriend could honestly bring this much anxiety out in me...during class. what the hell. well, i didnt really lie, but sort of.
so 11th and 12 grade were pretty similar, im going to digress a bit here again so skip to the next paragraph if you are so over with my digressing...although i started to show my sweeter side of who i was and dropped some of my bitchy "city girl" attitude....i wasnt a bitch, i just had an attitude and actually most people would disagree with me but i felt bitchy. lol. probably in part to being a teenager and life was kind of competitive especially at work. me and a friend of mine at work were always pissing each other off. we had a love hate relationship, trying to be top dog, but really, we just weren't. but we did try! i mean, we could slap the hell out of pizza dough and multitask like no other but it was just pizza. we were both good workers...teenagers trying to gain control. ahhh those were the good old days :) If i was one of the elders working there i probably would've stuffed he and i in the freezer during shift :) and also, being called a bitch by the people who were supposed to help build my self esteem, amongst other names.. but thats a whole other story.
OK.. heres where we pick up the anxiety story again lol. :) so.. i started college and im pretty sure somewhere within this blog site theres a post about this, so i wont get much into it, but i wanted control of it, i had enough of the BS with anxiety taking over who i was and who i wanted to be. funny thing is out of school i was different. in school i was kind of quiet and just hung with my friends at lunch and stuff... i mean i had friends in classes too but i just kind of stayed quiet i think not to draw attention to myself so i wouldn't panic. in high school.. it was panic attacks i was dealing with. out of my classrooms is where i could be myself. in the lunch room.. during break time. etc. in class forget it. hide me. my best defense against drawing attention was hiding in my hoodie.
i went through a thing where i used to like to wear my jackets and hoodies because i guess maybe it was almost like a security blanket. i could hide. problem was... that hoodie would get hot thus resulting in panicking sometimes when attention was drawn on me. you see how this cycle works? it is so vicious when it is out of control.
now if you are reading this and have anxiety, maybe you are sitting there shaking your head in agree-ance with some of these things ive mentioned. if you haven't experienced it, you may think knowing all this now about me that maybe you didnt, that i was tapped lol! and i cant say i blame anyone for feelign like that because a person who hasn't dealt with it just doesn't know the feeling... just doesn't understand how this could happen. i know.. i know. and i especially know because my mother has/had anxiety bad...waaay back when it was kind of thought to be "crazy" and us kids made fun of her horribly. we did. then i got this and thought oh shit.. im turning into my crazy mother.
...the good thing about that though is i've seen how my mom dealt with her problem which really made me consider my own issues and how i would deal with them. i had a few options at this point in life. i could drop out of college and give into this anxiety.. i could get medication... go to counseling... read books to self educate about this... hide in my hoodie for the rest of my life... i mean the possibilities were really endless lol.
i decided to do a combination of things which again i know somewhere around here i've mentioned in detail before.. (i think!) so ill keep it brief but basically what i did was everything i could. counseling, medicine, self educate, talking openly about my problem etc... and it all worked! it took a little time but it worked.
my main thing is i didn't want to be like a particular person, on medication for the rest of my life. the good news was I didn't have to. the bad news for me was that sometimes people really need medication and i could have been one of them but my view was already tainted about meds. i wanted to avoid them like the plague. over the years my view has changed about that and no one should be ashamed for needing to take medicine for a mental health issue.
for me though, i had really wanted to try to stay off the medicine. long story short.. i decided my little rituals weren't working any more, i was getting older and needed to get over my fears. so what did i do? i took the meds LOL!! BUT...i used themt o help me and only used them as long as i felt i needed to.
what i did was my second year of college i remember sitting in a class and i had to speak from my chair. i knew my turn was coming to speak.. now im going to walk you though my feelings... "im sitting here in my chair... theres about 10 people that have to speak before i do.. i know my turn is coming up, my hands are sweating, im swallowing about 20 times, my throat is dry.. i need water... but now after if taken a few sips i have too much fluid in my mouth what if i spit... ok ok.. theres just 4 people left now.. i feel like im getting hot, im gonna pass out. let me take my jacket off. i need to touch something cool so i can put it on the back of my neck because im gonna pass out if i dont. ok theres 1 person in front of me now.. omg.. ok ok how am i gonna start this.. ok jacquie i just gotta do this and not think about feeling like a freak.. deep breath, another swallow, another palm check yup still clammy.. ok my turn.." then i speak and while im speaking i feel like everyone can see im having anxiety but really, they probably didnt at all. i dont think anyone ever noticed. i mean i didnt get to say all i wanted to saya dn i wasnt too confident but i did it and before i know it my fight or flight response has chilled out and things are ok.
SO soon after that episode (it was in an english class btw...another freakin english class lol) i decided to try the zoloft. nothing too high, just 50mg.. something to help me out so i could help myself.
i felt like things were getting better. i used it for maybe under a year, learned how to deal with this, then got off the medicine.
now my next challenge was interesting. now i went through the cna schooling ok i was pregnant with brody.. did fine. used all the skills i taught myself while i was on my medicine. enrolled into my medical assisting program an found out OH i HAVE to take a speach class! unfreaking believable. an entire semester dedicated to my anxiety trigger. you kidding me??
well, instead of freaking out and stamping my feet, i decided now was a perfect time to take advantage of this class, volunteer to take it sooner rather than wait until the last possible moment when i wouldn't have a choice (having a choice really helped me manage my anxiety) so i took the class, got an A in it, did great and that really opened some amazing doors for me!
the only way to get over a fear is to face it head on. now i know for some people, this can be debilitating and really hard to do, you have to do it when you're ready, and if you ever feel you are ready to do it. if you are never ready then to each his own. only we know our own bodies and what we are capable of trying.
for years i stayed off any medicine. about 4 years? and i did really well off of it. i started RN school and like they say in nursing school if you weren't on medication when you started, you will be LOL! so true!
so the goal is to manage anxiety. it is never ever going to go away. i no longer take the zoloft. im starting to go swimming now that the weather is nice. yoga helps, my gardening, and remembering to let loose everyone now and then. go to dinner with mark and live in that moment and worry about school when i get home and have to study. its important to take care of ourselves mentally as well as physically.
honestly, i could go on forever with this however i have to be at clinical tomorrow morning so i suppose now is a good time to stop. That and if you actually are still reading this...holy crap!:D have a good night.
Heres the thing...i have anxiety. ive had it since i was about 12 that i knew of, before i even knew what it was. i remember the first experience i really had was when i was in the car with one of my best friends and remember describing to her that i felt fake. now if youve never experienced this feeling it can be pretty scary and it can put you into a fight or flight mode and escalate to panic sometimes.
I talk pretty openly about my anxiety. infact, i welcome anyone to talk to me about it. to me, it is what it is, it is a part of who i am and im ok with it. ive also noticed since moving to cali people seem to not talk about issues like this openly. not sure if it is the area im in or if i am misreading this.. who knows. but i know back home and among the people i met east coast.. people are pretty open about it.
when i was in middle school i was pretty embarrassed about it. i felt like i was the only one with this weird thing..why the hell couldn't i do a presentation without feeling ill, or worrying about what anyone thinks.. ugh...so frustrating.
this blog can get pretty lengthy but ill keep it to a minimum :) ill try...
so back to middle school. now that was just an awkward time in life anyways and just everyones eyes on me...gah! i wanted to run. but i went through with my presentations anyways. praying to god for it to end quickly. my best friend also had anxiety so we kind of bonded that way and joked about our anxiety even though it was very real, it helped make us feel better.
then in high school it was at its absolute WORSE. when i say worse i mean i would pay 10 bucks sometimes just so i didn't have to ride the bus. i avoided presenting at all cost, i wanted to cry trying to explain to the teacher that i just couldn't do it. i would skip class because of this sometimes. not because i didn't want to be there (not always anyways) but sometimes. i always thought this was just not normal. no one else seemed to act like this or felt like i did. what the hell was wrong with me?
i mean, i had moved from rhode island to maine and i was PISSED for...well, for ever it seemed lol. until i became an adult and realized what a good move it actually was for me. so that made my problem worse. i was the new kid, with a weird accent, had no time to prepare myself for the move (if you know me you know i like notice so i can mentally and physically prepare)i was a teenager and felt like my world as i knew it was crashing down on me. at the time i had a lot of issues with my parents and i was going through that weird teenage stuff like when you feel like your feet are too big or your arms are too long..your face breaks out lol... so i was just pissed at the world for a while. a good...looooonnng while.
ok i was digressing a bit.. back to the anxiety...
so i avoided really making friends then the friends i did eventually make, some of them were into some bad habits but we got along and i felt accepted and looking back it was what it was and i wouldn't have changed it. but i just flat out didn't give a shit in 9th grade.
10th grade is when i started to care more, and made friends and knew i was there in maine there was not much i could do about it. i started wanting to make better grades. i attended school more often and skipped classes less. now really my biggest problem was the presenting still.
one other story i will share with you is that in 10th grade i met my high school sweet heart and we were in the same english class. well, he was more outgoing and actually added to my anxiety. after about a month of dating i just had to get out of that class. i think because he was a distraction and people knew we dated...something about that atmosphere and attention being drawn to us.. i just had to get out of there. so i did. it was really hard to try to explain to my teacher why i had to switch my class. i really liked that teacher a lot too but my anxiety had won. i lied to her.. my reasoning for leaving that class because i thought it was pretty stupid that a boyfriend could honestly bring this much anxiety out in me...during class. what the hell. well, i didnt really lie, but sort of.
so 11th and 12 grade were pretty similar, im going to digress a bit here again so skip to the next paragraph if you are so over with my digressing...although i started to show my sweeter side of who i was and dropped some of my bitchy "city girl" attitude....i wasnt a bitch, i just had an attitude and actually most people would disagree with me but i felt bitchy. lol. probably in part to being a teenager and life was kind of competitive especially at work. me and a friend of mine at work were always pissing each other off. we had a love hate relationship, trying to be top dog, but really, we just weren't. but we did try! i mean, we could slap the hell out of pizza dough and multitask like no other but it was just pizza. we were both good workers...teenagers trying to gain control. ahhh those were the good old days :) If i was one of the elders working there i probably would've stuffed he and i in the freezer during shift :) and also, being called a bitch by the people who were supposed to help build my self esteem, amongst other names.. but thats a whole other story.
OK.. heres where we pick up the anxiety story again lol. :) so.. i started college and im pretty sure somewhere within this blog site theres a post about this, so i wont get much into it, but i wanted control of it, i had enough of the BS with anxiety taking over who i was and who i wanted to be. funny thing is out of school i was different. in school i was kind of quiet and just hung with my friends at lunch and stuff... i mean i had friends in classes too but i just kind of stayed quiet i think not to draw attention to myself so i wouldn't panic. in high school.. it was panic attacks i was dealing with. out of my classrooms is where i could be myself. in the lunch room.. during break time. etc. in class forget it. hide me. my best defense against drawing attention was hiding in my hoodie.
i went through a thing where i used to like to wear my jackets and hoodies because i guess maybe it was almost like a security blanket. i could hide. problem was... that hoodie would get hot thus resulting in panicking sometimes when attention was drawn on me. you see how this cycle works? it is so vicious when it is out of control.
now if you are reading this and have anxiety, maybe you are sitting there shaking your head in agree-ance with some of these things ive mentioned. if you haven't experienced it, you may think knowing all this now about me that maybe you didnt, that i was tapped lol! and i cant say i blame anyone for feelign like that because a person who hasn't dealt with it just doesn't know the feeling... just doesn't understand how this could happen. i know.. i know. and i especially know because my mother has/had anxiety bad...waaay back when it was kind of thought to be "crazy" and us kids made fun of her horribly. we did. then i got this and thought oh shit.. im turning into my crazy mother.
...the good thing about that though is i've seen how my mom dealt with her problem which really made me consider my own issues and how i would deal with them. i had a few options at this point in life. i could drop out of college and give into this anxiety.. i could get medication... go to counseling... read books to self educate about this... hide in my hoodie for the rest of my life... i mean the possibilities were really endless lol.
i decided to do a combination of things which again i know somewhere around here i've mentioned in detail before.. (i think!) so ill keep it brief but basically what i did was everything i could. counseling, medicine, self educate, talking openly about my problem etc... and it all worked! it took a little time but it worked.
my main thing is i didn't want to be like a particular person, on medication for the rest of my life. the good news was I didn't have to. the bad news for me was that sometimes people really need medication and i could have been one of them but my view was already tainted about meds. i wanted to avoid them like the plague. over the years my view has changed about that and no one should be ashamed for needing to take medicine for a mental health issue.
for me though, i had really wanted to try to stay off the medicine. long story short.. i decided my little rituals weren't working any more, i was getting older and needed to get over my fears. so what did i do? i took the meds LOL!! BUT...i used themt o help me and only used them as long as i felt i needed to.
what i did was my second year of college i remember sitting in a class and i had to speak from my chair. i knew my turn was coming to speak.. now im going to walk you though my feelings... "im sitting here in my chair... theres about 10 people that have to speak before i do.. i know my turn is coming up, my hands are sweating, im swallowing about 20 times, my throat is dry.. i need water... but now after if taken a few sips i have too much fluid in my mouth what if i spit... ok ok.. theres just 4 people left now.. i feel like im getting hot, im gonna pass out. let me take my jacket off. i need to touch something cool so i can put it on the back of my neck because im gonna pass out if i dont. ok theres 1 person in front of me now.. omg.. ok ok how am i gonna start this.. ok jacquie i just gotta do this and not think about feeling like a freak.. deep breath, another swallow, another palm check yup still clammy.. ok my turn.." then i speak and while im speaking i feel like everyone can see im having anxiety but really, they probably didnt at all. i dont think anyone ever noticed. i mean i didnt get to say all i wanted to saya dn i wasnt too confident but i did it and before i know it my fight or flight response has chilled out and things are ok.
SO soon after that episode (it was in an english class btw...another freakin english class lol) i decided to try the zoloft. nothing too high, just 50mg.. something to help me out so i could help myself.
i felt like things were getting better. i used it for maybe under a year, learned how to deal with this, then got off the medicine.
now my next challenge was interesting. now i went through the cna schooling ok i was pregnant with brody.. did fine. used all the skills i taught myself while i was on my medicine. enrolled into my medical assisting program an found out OH i HAVE to take a speach class! unfreaking believable. an entire semester dedicated to my anxiety trigger. you kidding me??
well, instead of freaking out and stamping my feet, i decided now was a perfect time to take advantage of this class, volunteer to take it sooner rather than wait until the last possible moment when i wouldn't have a choice (having a choice really helped me manage my anxiety) so i took the class, got an A in it, did great and that really opened some amazing doors for me!
the only way to get over a fear is to face it head on. now i know for some people, this can be debilitating and really hard to do, you have to do it when you're ready, and if you ever feel you are ready to do it. if you are never ready then to each his own. only we know our own bodies and what we are capable of trying.
for years i stayed off any medicine. about 4 years? and i did really well off of it. i started RN school and like they say in nursing school if you weren't on medication when you started, you will be LOL! so true!
so the goal is to manage anxiety. it is never ever going to go away. i no longer take the zoloft. im starting to go swimming now that the weather is nice. yoga helps, my gardening, and remembering to let loose everyone now and then. go to dinner with mark and live in that moment and worry about school when i get home and have to study. its important to take care of ourselves mentally as well as physically.
honestly, i could go on forever with this however i have to be at clinical tomorrow morning so i suppose now is a good time to stop. That and if you actually are still reading this...holy crap!:D have a good night.
Friday, March 2, 2012
the simplest things
For the last maybe 4 days ive been really kind of obsessing about life and my appreciation for mine and what i have and who i have in it. As some know, ive been following the journal of a family whose son had a horrible car accident back in November. I knew him from church when i was a teenager. Once in a while a situation comes along unexpectedly and kind of knocks me off my feet and makes me think ya know.. it could be me.. it could be my brother, it could be my kid.. my husband, my best friend etc...
Along with this, I have been going to church more often, and i feel it has been a realyl great move for me and my family, AND my relationship with Mark. We dont have too many times in a day when it is just he and I, and his work schedule hours are random as far as when he comes home sometimes. i usually dont even ask when he will be home. i just know if hes not home by 8, i should call to check that he is ok. brody is in school, so its just me and ethan together a lot. and even then, i had gotten so wrapped up in my own stuff, including spending way too much time bumming around. in previous blogs, i wrote some about that... this place has just taken away some of that drive to do anything that i had in me. but im getting it back :)
So over the last maybe 2 months weve been going to church and life's been moving forward in a direction im liking, so ive really been enjoying it, however, not to the fullest, adn i want that full cup. then 4 days ago things started coming full circle for me and im liking it. life really is wonderful. for some, maybe not so much but you gotta figure out a way to get back onto that path and sometimes, it takes someone elses story to make you realize this. sometimes even a total stranger.
ive been in these situations before where ive been so moved by another story its helped me get back on my own track of where i want to be in life. i thank god for those opportunities. I woke up this morning, and as soon as i sent Brody off to school (hes been riding his bike again because the weathers been nice and he is SOOOOO excited about that btw!) before i even got my cup of coffee, something came over me to write on my little pink wipe board top 10 reasons why my husband rocks lol. so i did, and i ran out of room. hes amazing! see thsi chain reaction happens when someone elses story touches your heart... and it extends to the world around you... its like a smile.. its contagious. so hopefully that made marks night.. which i believe it did, because in return, we spent some much needed time just snuggling on the couch, watching alton brown with the kids. we also decided not to go out tonight, just stay in and enjoy the night together. i made us each a nice drink and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. it was a great night. tomorrow is going to be another great day. were taking the boys to the movies which we havent all done together in a while.
anyhow... i just felt the need to blog because ive had so much on my mind and ive been feeling really good. we have a great life here. i may not where physically where i want to be, some days are tough being out here 'alone', my schooling has extended way beyond what i ever though it wouldve been.. in addition my upbringing, some of it, wasnt a fairy tale although far from being down right awful... but all of this is trivial compared to other possibilities. eventually i will complete school and i will be home with my family and who knows..maybe i wont like it being back home after all lol!! my personal life with my family members is in a good place, for everyone i want to be close to and im happy about that. even long distance i feel loved :) I have one life, thats it, and I am really enjoying it despite the obstacles.
Along with this, I have been going to church more often, and i feel it has been a realyl great move for me and my family, AND my relationship with Mark. We dont have too many times in a day when it is just he and I, and his work schedule hours are random as far as when he comes home sometimes. i usually dont even ask when he will be home. i just know if hes not home by 8, i should call to check that he is ok. brody is in school, so its just me and ethan together a lot. and even then, i had gotten so wrapped up in my own stuff, including spending way too much time bumming around. in previous blogs, i wrote some about that... this place has just taken away some of that drive to do anything that i had in me. but im getting it back :)
So over the last maybe 2 months weve been going to church and life's been moving forward in a direction im liking, so ive really been enjoying it, however, not to the fullest, adn i want that full cup. then 4 days ago things started coming full circle for me and im liking it. life really is wonderful. for some, maybe not so much but you gotta figure out a way to get back onto that path and sometimes, it takes someone elses story to make you realize this. sometimes even a total stranger.
ive been in these situations before where ive been so moved by another story its helped me get back on my own track of where i want to be in life. i thank god for those opportunities. I woke up this morning, and as soon as i sent Brody off to school (hes been riding his bike again because the weathers been nice and he is SOOOOO excited about that btw!) before i even got my cup of coffee, something came over me to write on my little pink wipe board top 10 reasons why my husband rocks lol. so i did, and i ran out of room. hes amazing! see thsi chain reaction happens when someone elses story touches your heart... and it extends to the world around you... its like a smile.. its contagious. so hopefully that made marks night.. which i believe it did, because in return, we spent some much needed time just snuggling on the couch, watching alton brown with the kids. we also decided not to go out tonight, just stay in and enjoy the night together. i made us each a nice drink and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. it was a great night. tomorrow is going to be another great day. were taking the boys to the movies which we havent all done together in a while.
anyhow... i just felt the need to blog because ive had so much on my mind and ive been feeling really good. we have a great life here. i may not where physically where i want to be, some days are tough being out here 'alone', my schooling has extended way beyond what i ever though it wouldve been.. in addition my upbringing, some of it, wasnt a fairy tale although far from being down right awful... but all of this is trivial compared to other possibilities. eventually i will complete school and i will be home with my family and who knows..maybe i wont like it being back home after all lol!! my personal life with my family members is in a good place, for everyone i want to be close to and im happy about that. even long distance i feel loved :) I have one life, thats it, and I am really enjoying it despite the obstacles.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
whoever said a mothers work is never done is so right!
this past week things have gotten out of hand. up until around this last week, i had pretty much everything under control then i stopped to look around and its just clutter everywhere! most people probably wouldnt notice but i have to have certain things cleaned and organized just so. idk where this came from because as a teenager my room was a slop.
i feel like i just did this stuff. last week i spent probably a total of 15 hours putting little legos together because theres models the kids took apart... thought it would be nice for them to have them together.. their lego bins were a mess and they were starting to get everywhere. that was the start of this..
then i reorganized our 2 closets out by the living room. there was just random things tossed in there. i blame mark :p i fixed up some of the garage. id like for it to be much cleaner than it is. today i cleaned off our desk for like oh i dont know.. the millionth time since marks been training! a few weeks ago i created folders to help us keep our papers organized and mark still cant manage to get his paper work in his folder.. properly labeled 'MARKS WORK' lol! i guess we balance each other out though because i need organization and he throws things everywhere...so he gives me something to do and i give him something to mess up.
i bathed harley a few days ago, somehow he just got really filthy and stinky again... bathed him again today. washed 2 loads of dished, 2 loads of laundry... i had a 4 and 5th load done but im not folding that right now. i need a break!
i think i was thinking about scheduling our dentist and dr appointments too and that made me feel like im just way behind. i have so much going on with trying to see what i can do about getting ethan into school, myself into school, teaching Ethan lessons at home, getting brody to school, helping with homework.. all the other thing parents do..i have gurnick academy appointments to get ready for LPN school, and im still trying to get my schooling situated with coastline community college. was told i had to take a class when after i got the book and started studying for what is similar to a clept test, found out i do not need this class. wasting my time and money. jeez.:P dont these people know i have things to do :D
...and i am all out of wine!
SO i guess this blog was just a rant. cant rant to my mom like i normally would because i dropped my phone in water. cant watch tv because something (idk what) happened to the cable so i have no cable for 2 more days. but atleast theres plenty of cleaning to do to ease my stress! (sort of does work for me.)
on a good note, life is great and going the way i want it for once. my relationships are good, my friends are awesome! the kids are lovely and now my house is clean (almost) aside from floors and my room of course. that room is always done last! and i still need to trim harley up, and finalize a gift for mark for his pinning ceremony on the 16th.
well, i better go and grab the kids because now i must get them showered and ready for bed and make lunches and blah blah blah blah.... :)
i feel like i just did this stuff. last week i spent probably a total of 15 hours putting little legos together because theres models the kids took apart... thought it would be nice for them to have them together.. their lego bins were a mess and they were starting to get everywhere. that was the start of this..
then i reorganized our 2 closets out by the living room. there was just random things tossed in there. i blame mark :p i fixed up some of the garage. id like for it to be much cleaner than it is. today i cleaned off our desk for like oh i dont know.. the millionth time since marks been training! a few weeks ago i created folders to help us keep our papers organized and mark still cant manage to get his paper work in his folder.. properly labeled 'MARKS WORK' lol! i guess we balance each other out though because i need organization and he throws things everywhere...so he gives me something to do and i give him something to mess up.
i bathed harley a few days ago, somehow he just got really filthy and stinky again... bathed him again today. washed 2 loads of dished, 2 loads of laundry... i had a 4 and 5th load done but im not folding that right now. i need a break!
i think i was thinking about scheduling our dentist and dr appointments too and that made me feel like im just way behind. i have so much going on with trying to see what i can do about getting ethan into school, myself into school, teaching Ethan lessons at home, getting brody to school, helping with homework.. all the other thing parents do..i have gurnick academy appointments to get ready for LPN school, and im still trying to get my schooling situated with coastline community college. was told i had to take a class when after i got the book and started studying for what is similar to a clept test, found out i do not need this class. wasting my time and money. jeez.:P dont these people know i have things to do :D
...and i am all out of wine!
SO i guess this blog was just a rant. cant rant to my mom like i normally would because i dropped my phone in water. cant watch tv because something (idk what) happened to the cable so i have no cable for 2 more days. but atleast theres plenty of cleaning to do to ease my stress! (sort of does work for me.)
on a good note, life is great and going the way i want it for once. my relationships are good, my friends are awesome! the kids are lovely and now my house is clean (almost) aside from floors and my room of course. that room is always done last! and i still need to trim harley up, and finalize a gift for mark for his pinning ceremony on the 16th.
well, i better go and grab the kids because now i must get them showered and ready for bed and make lunches and blah blah blah blah.... :)
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